Here's a question I'd like some perspective on:

I understand the need to set clear boundaries as part of Plan A. But...how should they be communicated to the WS?

Is it appropriate, for instnace, to say "I will make sure that all of your needs are met. I love you and I want you to be happy and fulfilled in our marriage. But if you cheat on me again, the marriage will be over?"

On the one hand, that approach makes the potential consequences clear. On the other hand, though, I think it might discourage the WS from talking honestly about issues that arise - if NC is violated for some reason, for instance.

Is it better simply to tell the WS clearly what he or she can expect from you and what you expect from him or her - and to leave implied the consequences?

So, the statement above becomes something like "I will make sure all of your needs are met. I love you, and I want you to be happy and fulfilled in your marriage. I expect you to be honest with me and to devote yourself to making our marriage better."

AndrewA,

Setting a boundary is a little like issuing an ultimatum. I'd avoid it if I could. It's flirting with love-busting, big time. The only time I'd set a boundary is if I were 100% committed to following through on it, in which case the M would be over and the fact that you LBd wouldn't really matter.

I don't think you should say "I will make sure all of your needs are met" because you can't guarantee that. I think you can say something like "I will make our M a safe place for you to tell me what your needs are, and I will listen with an open mind and an open heart, and be receptive to what you have to say. I will do my best to meet your needs."

BTW if you still want to set the boundary about "no more cheating" then you have to clearly define what cheating is. That is going to be really tough. Perhaps instead you could say you expect her to never ever contact OM for any reason and that if OM ever contacts her you expect for her to tell you about it as soon as reasonably possible (this leaves some room for interpretation but you need to make it clear that she should tell you quickly rather than six weeks later).

Turtlehead,

Thanks for the perspective!

The appraoch you mentioned - telling her what I expect in terms of contact - is basically the one I have taken. And..it's worked well, so far. She's told of me two instances where the OM tried to make contact: once, when he waited for her outside our kids' school, and once when he had a friend call her. She told me that I had made it really safe for her to talk about these things.

Boundaries are very important in marriage...how you state them is crucial to keep them from being ultimatums. We had an interesting convo a while back on this; although not specific to Plan A you might find the thread interesting:

Boundaries thread .