I am an alcoholic who has had a problem about a year ago. I have been sober for 22 years but got involved with a woman last year. It was overseas and we broke up when I left. My marriage had been bad for many years, we actually worked hard at providing me the excuse to have the affair. However, when I returned home, Mary and I decided to try and save the marriage. Mary never met the other woman. We have utilized the concepts in MB to repair our lives. I am more in love now than the early years of our marriage because Mary and I have decided to do whatever is necessary to save it and our love.

If I were to attack Mary, a younger thin woman would be the perfect weapon. The other woman was not by choice, 42, the same age that Mary was when we stopped our marriage. 14 years later the affair, my affair.

During November of last year, I got honest at Mary's insistance and told her the truth. We were in Paris and used the MB web site to start to work on repair.

She has lost about 100 lbs. and looks great and still loves me. I am madly in love with Mary. She is more than my sexual partner, lover, friend, companion, travel partner, person to talk to with. etc. We have followed the process of MB and our love seems more wonderful than ever.

Question: When does she start to feel better about herself? She still complains at times that she needs to know what this woman looks like? I have been completely honest about the affair to the point of providing information that might not be the best advice of my 12 step program. About once or twice a month she goes off on a hate Mary period of time. She dcoes not look good enough! She has destroyed herself through her weight gain even though she has lost the weight now. Real loss of self respect. I try to help her as best I can. Last night I held her until she went to sleep. Am I doing this correctly? These bad times are getting further apart in time but they do not seem to have lessen in the intensity.

Will these bouts of despair at herself ever go completely?

Hi Bill,

Sorry you haven't had an answer so far. I just wanted to chime in and say that since the times that Mary feels down are herself are getting fewer and farther between, that she is going in the right direction.

When a BS finds out about the infidelity, it is most common to believe that the OP was more beautiful, more handsome, had a better body, was stunningly attractive, you get the idea. In our minds we make up this person who is a 20 on a scale of 10 and we can't compete.

I understand Mary's need to see the OW. I certainly had to and eventually I did. I was surprised at how far off my "vision" of her was.

In the end, I realized it was not about OW's looks anyway, it was how she made my husband feel that drew him to her.

Holding her when she feels down is absolutely the right thing to do. Keep assuring her of your love. Eventually her comparisons between herself and OW will no longer have their hold.

~ Snow

Bill,
First I want to say great work. Your story is heartwarming. I hope Mary reads your post, because the love you have for your wife just jumps out in sentence after sentence after sentence.

You ARE doing this right. It will take some time.

The work you're both putting in is fantastic, it seems you both have your to do lists in order in meeting each other's emotional needs.

Remind your wife you love her for who she is, not what appears on the outside, but for who she is, for her grace, her beauty of forgiveness...and then ask her what SHE doesn't like about Mary.

So many times, people seek validation in the wrong places. Mary has to like Mary, and she is experiencing some insecurites, as many BS do during recovery.

I can't tell you ONE thing to do, because I think you offer MORE help, than you NEED. You two have such committment to your marriage. That's not so easy to come by now a days.

You're both very lucky people.

Give her some time, and lots of love....but it seems I didn't need to tell you that.