HEY ALL,

I'M NEW TO THE SITE AND CAN'T QUITE GET A HANDLE ON HOW TO NAVIGATE SO I FIGURED I'D START A NEW TOPIC. LOOKING FOR ANY ADVISE THAT MY HELP.

I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH AN UP AND DOWN RELATIONSHIP FOR ALMOST 18 MONTHS. JUST A LITTLE BACK I'VE BEEN MARRIED TO MY W FOR 13 YEARS AND WE'VE BEEN TOGEATHER FOR ALMOST 19. IT'S BEEN A BUMPY ROAD AT TIMES BUT I AM LOST FOR WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW. ABOUT 6 YEARS AGO I HAD AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. THE REASONS BEING SEEM NOW TO BE SILLY. MY W FOUND OUT ABOUT IT AND I IMMEDIATELY ENDING THE EMOTIONAL NON-PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP. SINCE I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH WHAT I FELT WAS MY PENNANCE FOR MY MIS-DOING ALTHOUGH UP TO 18 MONTHS AGO FELT EVERYTHING WAS BACK ON TRACK. IT WAS THEN I STARTED TO SUSPECT SOMETHING WAS GOING ON WITH MY WIFE. I DID LEARN THAT SHE WAS ENGAGING IN AN AFFAIR THAT LED TO A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP. SINCE THEN I CAN TELL THAT THERE IS NO LONGER A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GUY BUT SHE DOES HAVE TO INTERACT WITH HIM AT TIMES DUE TO WORK. SHE IS SOMEWHAT UP FRONT ABOUT IT AND ALTHOUGH I DON'T LIKE IT I REALIZE THAT IT HAD TO DO WITH WORK.
MY FIALURE TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT ALTHOUGH I'VE FOUND A WAY TO GET OVER WHAT SHE HAS DONE SHE STILL IS REMOVED FROM OUR RELATIONSHIP. LIKE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE HERE. WE HAVE 3 KIDS AND LIVE COMFORTABLY, I TREAT HER WITH THE RESPECT SHE DESERVES AND PROVIDE FOR MY FAMILY. WHEN I GET FRUSTRATED AT HER LACK OF INTEREST IN OUR RELATIONSHIP SHE SEEMS TO MOVE FURTHER AWAY FROM ME. SHE HAS INDICATED ON AT LEAST 6 DIFFERENT OCCASIONS THAT SHE WANTS A DIVORCE. I TELL HER THAT IT'S NOT WHAT I WANT BUT I CAN'T STOP HER FROM DOING WHAT SHE FEELS SHE SHOULD DO. I'VE TOLD HER THAT I KNOW WE CAN WORK THINGS OUT AND BE HAPPY TOGEATEHR BUT SHE NEEDS TO WANT IT AS WELL. SHE GOES THROUGH CYCLES WHERE SHE IS SOMEWHAT NICE THEN ALMOST JUST EXISTING TO TELLING ME SHE IS UNHAPPY AND WANTS OUT. SHE THEN CALMS DOWN AND IS NICE AGAIN FOR A WHILE.
I KNOW IT SOUNDS ALMOST IRRATIONAL FOR ME TO ENDURE THIS, BUT WHEN IT'S GOOD BETWEEN US IT'S GREAT. I GUESS IT'S THE INCONSISTENCY THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I FEEL AS STRONGLY ABOUT HER TODAY AS I DID WHEN WE FIRST GOT TOGETHER EVEN THOUGH FOR THE LAST 18 MONTHS IT'S BE CRAZY.
SHE TELLS ME THAT SHE WANTS TO BE HAPPY AND TO HAVE SOMEONE TO LOVE ETC AND I;M MORE THEN WILLING TO BE THAT PERSON FOR HER YET SHE STILL SHYS AWAY FROM IT. I'M KIND OF LOST.

WHAT ELSE IS THERE TO DO???

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. You will get lots of help and support here.

Start in Plan A - you can read all about it on the link in my sig line.

You might also want to check out the emotional needs questionnaire on the home page. See if your wife will fill it out with you.

Also try to spend 15 hours together each day, doing fun things.