Suzet,

Just wanted to say what a GREAT post. You clearly outlined the difference of what the BS s/b responsible for and what is NEVER the BS' fault. Also I liked how you cut through the WS' babble.

Great job!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

Thanks Orchid! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You both have been great in your advice to me, I am very thankful for friends like you.

Have a happy Thanksgiving and may God bless all your friends and Family

Today seems to being well. I am still doing Plan A and the ww is going on day 9 of no contact. I could be wrong though, she found out where all my info was coming from and may have changed her tactic or maybe my daughter and cps finally convinced her of her wrong doing wither way I will except what I have..

Michael,

A few days ago, on another thread, one of the FWW [I forget who it was] said that when she felt like contacting the OM she contacted her BH instead and told him so. She said that her BH thanked her for doing so, despite the pain he felt when she would tell him this. Just the act in confiding this to her BH relieved the overwhelming desire to break NC. Maybe, if you are strong enough, you can do the same.

TMCM

I have decided to move forward on the exposure part od Plan A.. I have copied the two letters that are going to the OM's Boss and the one going to his Neighbors. please tell me what you think


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I know I may lose the ww over this but in my heart if I don't I will not have done everything I could to save my marriage. If this moves us into plan B then I feel it's whats best for me and my children. And if she should get upset over this then we all will know she has still been in contact with OM..

<small>[ November 25, 2004, 07:26 PM: Message edited by: Mschluter ]</small>

Michael,

You realize you c/b charged with slander. Even if it is the truth. Also you come across as threatening.

So does that mean your hands are tied? Nope, just limited. Even if you said and did everything perfectly, the A may still continue because the Ws and OP are NOT listening, nor are they perfect. In fact they are sooo far from perfection of all that is good, that all your good acts w/b misconstrued as a direct attack against them. In this warped state of mind, the BS is often painted into a corner of the WS doing.

The point is to let the WS/OP do themselves in. You can execute a good plan A, work on yourself, protect your family and their assetsm, build your own support system, identify and implement your personal boundaries and then if still needed implement a solid plan B. If the WS still is off her rocker, then D w/b a better option.

I understand the feelings that created the letter, just want to let you know that all your effort s/b put to something that stands a better chance of succeeding.

JMHO,
L.

Michael,

I think you might want to take that man's name and address out of your post here on this very public forum.

weaver

Orchid,

Where do I come across threatening? I do not want it to be seen that way.

Your letter was already deleted when I read your response but the fact that you wrote you would do whatever it would take to......, regardless of what followed that statement c/b construed by the less knowing as a threat. So while that may not be true, it still c/b misinterpreted and people make decisions daily on misnterpretations. Sometimes governments make national decisions on partial info. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Just be careful. There are many ways a BS can get their point across. Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart, then ask for lots of patience. Your time will come.

L.

MS: I have vowed that I will do anything within the guidelines of the law to keep this person from ever going near my wife again. ......I will as a husband do everything I can to save my marriage and to build it into something that will overcome the evil that xxxxx has brought into it. ...... He is the worst kind of neighbor you would want and one you should watch very carefully......

MS,

Regardless if he has a criminal record or not, your commnets about doing everything you can (even if you stipulated to do so within the law), can be construed as a threat. You should see how a prior OW took a WS to court and tried to do the something similar. The judge told her she was borderline in her charges (she claimed her life was in danger yet she had thousands of correspondence with this so called 'dangerous man'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> In reality she was perceived as the lunatic she was but even an innocent yet distraught person c/b viewed as the same.

Did you already distribute this info?

L.

<small>[ November 25, 2004, 08:08 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

I emailed the om's company with brief information and was asked by the owner to forward him a letter. He is a kind man who has been a part of my community for over 90 yrs, this is a business his grandfather started and he is highly upset that one of his emplyee's would do such a thing. I told him I had proof of this and could forward it along with the letter which I did. As for the letter to his neighbors I have not done that yet. I have 250 letters made up that a buddy is going to put in all the doors. But i will do as you say and calm down before I do that. I just feel there is no way to make this person stop. He does not care what danger he puts my kids in. My wife has been ordered by cps to stay away from Om but he is the one not listening..

Michael,

You are treading on very, very thin and very, very dangerous ice here. I guarantee you that if you distribute those letters, the effect will not be a positive, marriage-building one. You are bordering on criminal behavior, and you are behaving in an irrational way.

At a time like this, it is not the OM's job to stop. It is your WW's job to stop herself. It is your WW's job to protect herself from his onslaughts, to protect the marriage from his harm, and to protect you from his actions. It is absolutely, positively NOT YOUR JOB to "make" the OM stop, and furthermore, the more you try to make him stop, the more irrational and lovebusting your behavior will appear.

Michael, you have GOT to hear this!!!!

The point of exposure is not to "embarrass" or "destroy" or slander the OP into stopping. The point of exposure is to keep your focus on yourself and your own spouse, and expose to the least number of people necessary to encourage stopping the A--and let me be clear: to encourage stopping YOUR WW from continuing the A, not the OM. The point of exposure is to expose to your OWN family and HER own family--to your own boss and her own boss--to your own pastor and her pastor.

Do you see how the concentration there is on YOU and HER? And how it is not on the OM??

Furthermore, your WW wandered from the M because her EN's were not being met and/or because of LB-ing behavior on your part. YOUR JOB AT THIS TIME is to keep your focus on yourself, to once again become the man you were intended to be, to once again find the characteristics and qualities about you that met the WW's EN's naturally, and to be ATTRACTIVE to your WW.

Michael, you are a fully-grown, mature man. You must know by now that you can not "make" anyone do anything. The OM is going to make the choices that he is going to make--and he is going to have to experience the consequences of his choices. Furthermore, your WW is responsible for her choices and her behavior. If she does not want to contact the OM, then SHE is responsible to not contact him--HE is not responsible to not contact her. Your anger is misplaced my man. You are aiming it at the OM, and he is not responsible for your WW's actions!!

Please stop this knee-jerk, reactionary behavior. Please take a moment and calm down and stop wasting your time aiming this anger at the OM. Keep your focus on yourself and your WW.


CJ

Michael, listen to Orchid and CJ.

Do not drag OM's name through the mud. It will only reflect badly on you.

Do not do belligerent, conspiratorial things.

Imagine if you received a ranting letter in your screen door describing the unsavory actions of one of your neighbors.

You might have some doubts about that unsavory neighbor.

You would probably have some doubts about the person who put the letter in your door as well.

People don't want to be dragged into what they perceive to be a vendetta. Most people who find out about an A talk about not wanting to get "in the middle".

Think of WW and OM as crawling around in the mud.

You must stay out of the mud.

Being encouraged to expose an affair is not permission to start a feud with OM and drag your community into it.

Please don't distribute those letters. It's crazy.

Disrespectful judgements abound.

GC

Michael, I know this is confusing and frustrating, being on this learning curve. Don't get too upset about these admonishments.

And Happy Thanksgiving, dammit.

GC

I'm sorry everyone, I was having a very bad moment and just damn it, feeling sorry for myself... I'm a human male with feelings and I just got tired of Om laughing in my face about his little PA/EA with my wife...

It seems like some days it is so fresh and other days I can get buy...

Thos sent me the book SAA and I will start it tonight if the WW can give me enough room to breathe before her next attack on my manhood.

Well WW is having a very emotional day. She is thinking of Om and has been doing really good with NC. Today she asked for a hug and cried on my shoulder. It's very hard to be there while she cries for another. I don't know if we'll make it through this only because I don't know what else to do. I feel like she is still not being honest with me on a few things.

Last night she actually intiated Sexual Contact with me, And also mentioned that maybe tonight we could play around, is this like a game she ios playing or should I just take what I can get?

As for my letter to OM's Boss. I am still waiting top hear the outcome of that one. Not the smartest move on my part but I was surprised that this family man took it so serious, He told me he would be getting back in touch with me on Monday once he had a friendly talk with OM.

WW does not know about all of this and i'm sure it will set me back a couple weeks at most.

Well, the SF is one of the nicest ways of reconnecting. It's not uncommon for the libido of the WS to fluctuate along with their emotions. Like all of Plan A, give without expectations. There is never a MAJOR change as radical as flipping a switch, however, sometimes the surprises you get with baby steps keep you motivated to carry on.

Glad you got SAA. It's a godsend, and makes all of the advice given here a foundation.

Be prepared for a firey blast when the exposure info makes it back your way. Look upon this as a natural part of the chain of events. It will be difficult, but not so difficult as holding your W while she sobs in withdrawal from an OM.

You are making LB$ in a big way. Keep it up. Be prepared for twists and turns, and remember to keep your wits about you, and operate within the confines of Plan A, without LoveBusters.

You have done very well, and you seem to "get it". Stay on task. There are many people counting on you, whether they know it, or not!

Best wishes,
SD

Whats LB$ ? I just need to like vent in such a big way. I wish I could just let my guard down for a minute on any given day. This reminds me of combat stress and I have had plenty of that in my 12 yrs in the military.

I wish I could just shut down and ride this out.

Ok now I know my ww is F****** with me, She came home from the library with a book called "The Proper care and feeding of husbands By: Dr. Laura Schlessinger"

Not sure what this should mean but she is sitting here on the bed next to me reading it. We also spent time tonight with the kids watching a movie.

She made me a cup of coffee and snuggled right up to me. I almost felt like having my dog check the coffee for some kind of poison..LOL

Well I just thought I would give another update...