I finally got the transfer I had been waiting for at work, and was really busy today for the first time since d-day. My FWH actually had a class where he could call and at first he was upbeat but towards the end of the day he seemed really down (seems he thought they might be able to come home for the night and then told no). I had had a rough day too and was not in the mood to cater to his mood. That was when I figured it out.

For us, we were soo busy the last few months trying to do what we thought would make the other person happy, knowing it was not what we wanted, that we lost all communication with each other. He applied, accepted and took this position solely because he felt I could not stand living in the city anymore. He really did do it to make me happy. I encouraged him because he had been complaining of the beaurocracy of his job and how he did not like the quality of partners he was getting and I felt this move would help all that And let us have the life we have always wanted, with children, our own business, and time to spend with each other.

He did not really want to move and I had a job I liked that was not commutable and I also have 1 year left of school. But somehow we stubbornly insisted we were doing it for the other person and kept on this path. It left our marriage wide open to the ea. We were both unhappy and grouchy, really busy, so we weren't as intimate, and really needed to talk to someone. What never entered either of our minds was that our marriage would be threatened. Both of us have made strong efforts in the past to make the other feel secure in the others love. So the warning signals tended to get blown off, as just the other person blowing off steam. I was as much to blame as him, even if I had not gone so far. I had my friends that I "complained" to about him and his lack of interest in the move. My friendships could have easily gotten out of hand as well.

So the question is how do I take this insight and improve our marriage now. The move is over and done with, we both have to deal with it. The ea happened, and we have to deal with that. But I want to concentrate on us, and moving on. I still have my moments of anger, and hurt. And there are times, I know I will feel the urge to check up on him, but I know that he loves me and he wants this to work to. How do we deal with the past without getting stuck in it?

Dear slacker1975,

So.. start again. "The move is done"... so what? You can move again to any place you'd rather be. You can find a new job that suits you better. Or you can discover the upside of the place you live in now, of the job you have now. But why would you be stuck in something you don't want? So it'll cost money to change again.. so you'll need some time perhaps, to save that money again... but is some money really worth being in a place you don't like?

Btw your name brings back memories of Back to the Future <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> for me.

If you are both committed to the M now, that's wonderful. You'll find a lot of good stuff on this website, read up on Emotional Needs, maybe check the www.fivelovelanguages.com website.

we would not be able to move again for at least 1 more year (I signed a contract with my co. to get the transfer), plus I need to finish school. I just meant that the move happened, and even if it was not what either of us really wanted, we did it and now we have to deal with it and the ea.

I miss the trust. I miss the feeling of love I would get thinking of him and the feeling of anticipation for when I get to see him again. Now, I get those but they are tainted by memories of him and her. I need to get past that. I just wish there was a magic spell to get the bad thoughts out of my head. Then we could move on.