My STBXH's b-day is tomorrow. For some reason his birthday is much harder on me than my own was. I always took so much pleasure planning on doing something special for him. I still want to but I'm not going to. He says the things I do now only make him feel bad.
We had lunch yesterday together. Spent about 2 hours talking and another hour after that going through things in his basement trying to find more of my things for me to take. I hate that I had so much fun with him. We talked and laughed. I didn't want to leave the house. My cat doesn't even recognize me anymore. When we were alone in the basement we joked about times we had when we came across things from the past. I wanted to be held so badly.
I miss him all over again. I just want to share everything with him. Right now he thinks of me as his ex. Nothing more than a former flame. There really isn't anything I can do. I haven't been able to forgive him for all of the pain he's caused me but I hate the way things have turned out.
The only talk of the DV came up when I signed my check at the restaurant. He wanted to know what I was going to do about my name. I almost cracked then but I kept it together and told him that I wasn't sure yet. That I just got all of my things changed over to this name and that it will be a pain to switch it all back right now. Of course he says I have a whole life ahead of me that the time I spend changing everything back isn't really significant when you think of it that way. Also he says he hasn't had a chance to really work on the paperwork. I wish his reluctance to get that done was because he was unsure about actually leaving me but I know that's not the case. It's just not high on his list of priorities.
I metioned to him that there was a posibility of me moving out of state in the near future and he seemed pleased about that.
Once again I feel miserable. I want to try to convince him to give me another chance but I know that would never work. I thought it would be better to let this out here than making a fool of myself again with him. Last time I tried to let him know that I still missed him it took weeks for him to even talk to me and he said he felt there really wasn't anything good to say so he decided just not to respond.
I still can't think of him without starting to cry. I hope he knows how I still feel. All I know is that his former gf's before me continued to try to let him know that they still wanted him for years after their breakups and he really didn't care at all. Once he's made a decision he sticks with it. I think he only took it as an ego boost. I don't want him to feel that way about me. I feel like I should still be special to him after everything we've been through. I thought I meant more than what I feel like now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
