Hi.
I am pretty new here but found this site very helpful. My H and I are trying to rebuild our marriage. I have for last 11 months been working on a project on a small island in the Pacific.My H stayed and worked in a place where we live. I would only fly home every 2 months for a 10 days or so.During that time I had an affair with a co-worker.I still do not regret it, althought I feel very sorry how much pain I caused to my H.I guess I might have been feeling alone and therefore I had an affair. I felt in love with this guy and I really didnt know what to do and who to share my thoughts and feelings with.I didnt want to leave the island, job and I didnt want to call my H to tell him I am having an affair via phone. Well to top it all,I got pregnant.I have never been pregnant before - I would be over the moon ofcourse if situation different.... Cut the story short, I left the island, went to have abortion, told my H I had an affair - I was honest but I am not sure if I should tell him also that I was pregnant.DrH's concepts are suggesting we should be brutally honest with each other... Is anybody out there who experienced the same before. I would love to hear and talk about this with someone. Please..

Hi Sydney26,

Welcome to MB!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Cut the story short, I left the island, went to have abortion, told my H I had an affair - I was honest but I am not sure if I should tell him also that I was pregnant.DrH's concepts are suggesting we should be brutally honest with each other... Is anybody out there who experienced the same before. I would love to hear and talk about this with someone. Please.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you told your H that you had an actual physical relationship with this OM, then I think you should tell him that you got pregnant and that you had an abortion...

In order to rebuild your M, you must be totally honest with your H and give him the opportunity to make a decision based on the truth. Any ommisions that you leave out now, will eventually come back around and bite you again later if you two do decide to rebuild...

Semper Fi,
RIF90

I second what RIF has said. Nothing to add..totally in agreement.

Noodle

Oh, and welcome of course! Silly Noodle <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Full agreement.

How would you feel if 4 years down the road you had to have a medical procedure and on the question form you had to put you were preg and H saw it? Tell him ASAP.

Also an abortion can lead to other medical and emotional problems. Best bet is to be totally up front

A friend of mine had an abortion years ago. When later, happily married, she got pregnant, she was over the moon. Went to the doctors together and was asked the question (husband present) "is this your first pregnancy"? She couldn't lie and it all came out. He was very upset but also understanding. She had not been married to him at the time of the abortion but they were a couple.

I don't know if you should tell him or not but somehow lies and untruths seem to come back to haunt people. Good luck, TT

RIF 90,Noodle and John3479, thank you very much to your responses. I know I have to tell him...it's better and he deserves nothing but the truth.
He loves me so much but I feel like I dont deserve that at all.
MB is a great site and it is helping both of us to hear that we are not alone and reading the post is also very helpful..

Dr Harley has said that careers that force spouses to be away from each another for long periods of time, are very bad for marriages. If you plan to continue working for a company that will require you to be away from your H for long periods of time then you should seriously consider ending your marriage. Beleive me I am not trying to blast you but you have proven that you cannot be trusted to hold your marital vows when you are away from home for extended periods of time. How is your H going to feel the next time another project comes along where you will be required to leave him alone? If your are truly serious about saving and rebuilding your marriage, then you are going to have to decide which is more important, your career or your marriage. Chose wisely.

TMCM

TMCB, thank you for your kind words. My H and I were talking about ending my career as he ended his for me. I have asked for us to separate as there has been to much mess in my life lately. I just need time to think what I really want from life and from my H. I feel bad and guilty that I have hurt my H but I dont feel any remorse towards what I did. I really want us to separate, not to be with OM but to be on my own, to be independent, to have fun, to be happy and not be controlled like I was in my life by my H.We have tried to give it a go but I have realised that he has not really changed. When you are in love with a person you tend to be a little blind, when the initial love stops you either want to be with the person no matter what and love him for what he is or you realise that you cant live with the person and no MC can change that. I am sorry to have been true with my H,as he has now gone back to his home, and our friends and has been telling everyone about my affair, about my pregnancy, about my abortion and about my rejection. I know he is hurt but he is telling everyone the very personal thing that should not be shared with that many people.
I appreciate this forum and I have learned a lot from here but sometimes it doesnt just work out, and it is better to separate and try to start a new life. We are both very young (26) and i am sure that we both can be happy.One day again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sydney26:
Hopefullinc,I am sorry what you are going tru. I understand it is not easy. I have betrayed my husband also. I have hurt him beyond point of pain and yet he stood up there and was ready to love me and to forget me. We were in recovery for a few weeks. I have decided not to go through with it. I do want to be on my own for a while. Me and my husband were married for 4 years, he is my first love, you and your wife were married for 30 years - I have learnt many things from what I am going tru right now and that is do not give up. Never say never, do fight for her, surely you come to a point in your life where not everythings seems perfect but surely after 30 years you would pass that. YOu should fight for your wife and try and make her happy - surely she was happy most of your marriage. Do not let her go away.
I wish & your wife all the best.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sydney, thank you for explaining your situation a little better.

As far as hopefulinnc story is concerned, his WW [wayward wife] is still in contact with the OM. Hopefulinnc has implemented Plan B because his WW refuses to end contact with the OM. Have you written a NC [no contact] letter to your OM [other man]? Without NC there can be no marital recovery.

TMCM

<small>[ December 11, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Sydney, you may be solely responsible for chosing to have your affair but BOTH of you are equally responsible for the bad state of your marriage.

It is your right to decide whether or not you want to continue with your marriage and divorce your H, but a separation is not a divorce. Many WS [wayward spouses] use their separation as a time to act like single people, have relationships with others, and expecting to come back to the marriage when they are ready. Sorry it doesn't work that way because by the time the WS is ready to come back, the BS already will have moved on with his/her life and will want nothing more to do with the WS. So please, make the choice to either commit to save and rebuild the marriage or end it once and for all, otherwise you will be doing that which you have accused your H of being, controlling.

TMCM

You need to tell him!!!!