This post has been copied from "Diaries and privacy" in another thread but it needs to be here to get the exposure.
My wife of 28 years took up with a work collegue this spring and after an EA of about 6 moths it turned PA.
Confronted her in week 3 of A and she admitted and promised to end it. We were working through withdrawl and a pretty good Plan A and things were starting to improve and I knew she really missed OM...she admits to loving both of us. She promised she would not lie to me anymore.
For the last week or so I was uneasy on some kind of subliminal level and her diary verified it wasn't without cause. About when I started feeling like something was wrong, she had gone back to the OM for a couple of dates.
I'm not looking forward to this pm when she gets home from work. She doesn't know I know yet.

We have been talking hypothetically about how to divide the spoils of our Relationship for the last little while since we recognized that success wasn't a sure thing.
Do I keep my mouth shut about this knowledge and doormat myself (grrrrrr!) or risk driving the wedge in really deep. Maybe too deep.
My heart says keep her my head says change the locks. If she goes, I'm pretty sure she is gone for good, even though it might not be into the OM's arms. Boy oh boy do I need guidance and the benefit of the collective experience.

This sucks.

I'm in similar situation. It really does suck. We actually moved and I had those strange feelings as well that something was up. And sure enough abika.com came through with OW call records indicating that there was C. I confronted H right away. His response: that should be against the law (retrieving phone records). He also said that phone calls are not the problem, he really is trying. How many times can you say that contact does not go together with Marriage building. Anyway, I have found that 2 weeks is the mark of repeated C.

So, no suggestions here, but I have an appointment with Steve Harley tomorrow (H has even said that he will participate). I am hoping that SH can talk some sense into him. Maybe if H hears it from someone other than me it may start to sink in. I have heard that SH is good. H is deciding what he wants to do, but we have decided to not talk about R until we speak to SH.

I'll let you know what SH says.

Brian,

My experience was that contact resuming is a common problem. Are you and your WW in MC? I do believe you need to tell her what you know before they try to meet again. Have you done exposure? Keep doing plan A in the meantime and hopefully someone more knowlegeable will come along soon.

I am sorry you are in this boat. I think sitting on information does no good. All it does is build resentment and anger in you towards her and that will not help your recovery. That and who really wants to be a door mat? Also do you really want to share her? Why don't you confront her with the information that you have in a cool calm non- LBing way? Let her know how disappointed you are and how it can not continue. If she leaves- let her go. Hard to do, but letting her walk on you is not good. She will learn, most likely want to come back eventually as well, who knows maybe you will have moved on by then....and are HAPPY.

Hang in there.

We had a lunch hour meeting for our conversation. She will be moving out shortly and she says not to him. Doesn't mean she's not going to see him anymore...she can't/won't cut him off.
So now we go to Plan B. My only hope is she is such bad company to everyone because of her guilt that this relationship falls on its face.
How do you ever come to terms with this kind of mental tornado??? I want to pull the dirt over my head.
The Gods sure must have a lot of time on their hands when they can throw stuff like this at us poor humans to see us squirm.
What's next, I wonder and where do I go from here?

brian

Brian, Feel just terrible for you. Sorry I've got no time right now. I hope you are getting some good advice. This is just awful. It's plan B yeah? Can't even read the responses you've received. And no idea what to advise, which is even worse! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

AN

LCF

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am sorry you are in this boat. I think sitting on information does no good. All it does is build resentment and anger in you towards her and that will not help your recovery. That and who really wants to be a door mat? Also do you really want to share her? Why don't you confront her with the information that you have in a cool calm non- LBing way? Let her know how disappointed you are and how it can not continue. If she leaves- let her go. Hard to do, but letting her walk on you is not good. She will learn, most likely want to come back eventually as well, who knows maybe you will have moved on by then....and are HAPPY.

Hang in there.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She is going and I'm not blocking the door. Her recovery is going to have to start without my help or presence.
So far the thought of being without her does not make me feel very happy...we have been together out whole adult lives (28yrs)
And the confrontation went pretty much as you suggested...no name calling or yelling. I told her I needed to be treated like a caring human being...don't lie to me anymore and we can work through this together. But without trust there is no honour and no relationship so she is leaving to figure out what she is going to do.
I miss her and our life together more than I can bear at the moment.

Can you ever be happy after this? We've no kids, it was just the 2 of us against the world. Where does a single 50 yr old (51 in a week) guy go these days???

brian

BBRRIIAANN- I feel so sorry you are going thru such pain in your life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . This is a very very difficult situation to handle. The best for you is just to let her go, I know this will hurt you,but you cannot prevent her from doing so. If thats what she thinks she wants to do, she will do it no matter what you say to her.
You are still young at 51, dont see everything so gloomy. If things dont work out with your wife,you will eventually find happiness with another woman. I know it seems difficult to see right now, but things will get better.
I wish I can say something that will make you feel better, but there is really nothing I can say that will do that. Brian, your wife is very foggy and confused right now. Give her up on the surface,(let her think that) but dont give up inside of you. Things might be completely different in a month.
Good luck,take care, my prayers are with you.

MYRTA

BRIAN-
Hang in there. Set some boundaries with yourself. The bare minimum she will have to do to come back in your home. Odds are after a few days, weeks or months she will try. Make sure you have a line drawn in the concrete that she can not pass until she does XYZ. Things that you need to happen before you will take her back. I was dumb- took WH back with only him asking- I am struggleing now with getting my boundaries respected many many months after he moved back. he has little respect for me or my feelings as he feels he does not need to. He does what he feels like first thinks about us second on most things. I do not want you to fall into that trap just to get her back. You would be better off with out her. You will find happiness again, either with her, or with some other wonderful lady. 51 is young- and you are always as young as you want to be. Go out with friends, have some fun, try new things. Refind the Brian, the one without WS, I bet you are going to like him.