Hi there

my h and i had a heart to heart this afternoon. We had an extended lunch and had our talk. I poured out my heart to him and told him that i am ready to walk away if he tells me that he does not want me anymore but i am not going to walk away without first knowing that i did everything in my power to make it work.

If you read my post of a couple weeks ago you will know that i lashed out at him physically for the first time. He is now saying that it is up to me if i want to stay in the relationship but that he would not accept me lashing out at him or embarrassing him.

I know that what i did was inexcusable but he still will not admit to all that he has done to cause the deterioration of our relasionship. He admits to the A but claims that he is no longer in it and that if i were to look closely i would see that. As to his avoiding me, he claims that it is because of my recent attack towards him.

Anyway i have decided that i am going to do a plan a which in all honesty i have not been doing a good one of and see where we go from here.

If anyone has any tips or ideas as well about a good anger management book, course etc i would be most greatfull.

Sindy

Sindy,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I know that what i did was inexcusable but he still will not admit to all that he has done to cause the deterioration of our relasionship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You say you know it is inexcusable, but... you go ahead and offer an excuse. I will tell you that compliments followed by a "but". Apologies followed by a "but". Words of love followed by a "but" ARE, infact none of the above.

If you don't remove the "but" from your conversations, they really only say that you have not changed, you are not sorry, you don't really love him, and the apology is a joke.

Do me a huge favor and go read the articles about Love Busters, LB's. You will see the power of them and how they tear a marriage apart. Pay special attention the the LB, called the Disrespectful Judgement, DJ. They are the most deadly because people base their actions and feelings on DJ's and more often than not make a big mess of their marriage.

I am thinking you are doing that. So step back, calm down and really really work on the LB's. And every time you speak consciously focus on NOT using the word "BUT".

If you want to compliment him do so. IF you want chastize him do so, but don't mix them with a "but". Say what you mean and mean what you say. What you are telling him now is that you are blaming him for everything.

please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

It's just all so frustrating. I try to be as reasonable as possible but unfortunately sometimes get mad. Dealing with people who won't admit anything can drive you crazy. One outburst and in their minds you are always just too difficult to speak to.

My IC has me working on I messages instead of You messages. Like instead of saying "Oh, I guess you were at work last night!" (usually in a snide, angry manner) Now I try to say, "When you don't answer your office phone or cell or call back within an hour or so, because you've betrayed me before, I will think badly of you." That comes a little more calmly.

We're early days in our A. I'm sure we've got a long way to go.

Utterly ridiculous. If you asked me, I think you're very much entitled to **** *** ****out of your husband, and for him not to take it into account, just shows what a loser he is. I personally don't believe that a marriage cannot survive once one of its partners resorts to adultery. You'll never get over it, I assure you that. He decides to touch another woman other than yourself...who knows what kinds of positions they engaged in. the point is, I suggest you have your fill of the cup that he drank from to hurt you, so he can finally feel what it feels like to be betrayed. My 2 cents.

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 08:02 PM: Message edited by: Justuss ]</small>

hi thanks for your replys. JL i understand what you mean and i try i really do try. My question is how do you deal with being neglegted all the time without it getting to you eventually.

I want so much to stop the LBing, and for the past week i have not done any which is good for me. I am starting to see how lbing could backfire on me and sometimes all i really want to do is to make him hurt as much as i do.

I am not over his betrayal, which is what he is saying to me and i don't know if i'll ever be. i love him, i just don't know how i'll get past this, and trust me i have a lot of anger built up inside becase i feel he has betrayed me.

Sindy

...If you asked me, I think you're very much entitled to beat the crap out of your husband...

Uhm... no.

Violence is never, under any circumstances, okay. Period. "Beating the crap" out of someone is illegal and you get to go to jail if you do it.

And many marriages survive infidelity. Please check your stats before you say otherwise.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Sindy:
<strong> Hi there

my h and i had a heart to heart this afternoon. We had an extended lunch and had our talk. I poured out my heart to him and told him that i am ready to walk away if he tells me that he does not want me anymore but i am not going to walk away without first knowing that i did everything in my power to make it work.

.... He is now saying that it is up to me if i want to stay in the relationship but that he would not accept me lashing out at him or embarrassing him.

.....If anyone has any tips or ideas as well about a good anger management book, course etc i would be most greatfull.

Sindy </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sindy,

These comments run piggy back on top of JLs. He dealt with the issues about your making excuses. I would like to point out that from your description above you and your H did not have a heart 2 heart talk. You poured your heart out but he wants you to fix his problem. He is under the foggy impression that as long as he has stopped the dropping his pants act, he is done with his part. WRONG!!!!!

So what do you think you should do?

L.

Sindy, You have every right to express your anger if you don't feel your WH is truely trying to work on the marriage and make it stronger than can be imagined. It is true that physical harm can not be an acceptable form of rebuilding. Just Learning and Hurting Carol makes very good points that needs to be followed through. However, Yoka Kurama, as bitter as one can understandably be, I feel is not forwarding the advice you need at this time. Marriages can and HAVE been successful after an A. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />