H's A started a year ago with D-day this March. I Plan A'd it for six months--then Plan B #1, false recovery and Plan B #2 just ended. The second Plan B came swift and sudden and WH started to realize he was going to lose me so he really committed to recovery.

He changed cell phone number and many other actions to back his words. He went is on a trip to try and withdrawal. I will join him in about a week. He says, "I am working really hard on my problem." That is the first time, he ever took responsibility for his part in the A. He also calls me everyday which he did not do before. We talk a long time on the phone which is a good sign.

The trouble is the OW. She called the house at the beginning of the month when H was still here. He did not get the calls because we were out. I told him about it later, and he asked how she get our number. I said that I didn't know. He gave me permission to change our home number.

Then she wrote him a note. He does not know he received it since he is not here and I did not tell him. I opened it and it said:

"To you and your beautiful family traveling around the world to appreciate what a beautiful earth we all are together. Thank you for the "Thanksgiving Day." We can say "thanks a lot." to a very special person from this little card."

(I apologize for the bad writing...WH didn't pick someone too smart. She also misspelled his name!)

Couple of other things:

*I sent Plan B letter to OW and she freaked out and LB him. She was scared that I was going to threaten her, but she has not stopped C.

*H ended it with her and supposedly she freaked out and cut off all her hair.

*OW has constant male companion that has threatened WH and her friend has told WH to stay away from her. Okay, but OW keeps contacting WH. I do not know her friend's address or I would expose OW to her friend. Her friend falsely charged WH with battery when WH tried to talk with OW.

*H told me that he tried to end it with her before and she started to faint and gag.

*H and OW has very stormy R with yelling matches, arguments, lies, and several dramatic incidents--WH told OW's daughter that her mother lies about her whereabouts when she stays with her friend. H also threw her cell phone over a cliff.

My question is:

What will it take to make this psycho bit@h to go away?

She keeps trying to make contact with H even though he has told her no and she is scared of my reaction. What gives?

Why doesn't her constant companion tell her to quit calling my H?

Is she some sort of ego maniac, crazy that is so insecure she has to keep several men on the line (she has been divorced twice and still stays in contact with husband #1 and husband #2--WH picked a crowded field)?

WH is addicted and trying to come out of the fog, will he ever see how psycho and manipulative this person is?

Would OW get the message if I send her a voodoo doll with head cut off and a nail through its body?

The good news is that I have been calm about this with H and not LBing....but MB'ers....I could use some help today. I am feeling powerless and helpless. I wished it had ended sooner although I know I am on the right track so far.

I could use any help I can get today. Thanks to all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 05:59 PM: Message edited by: SureSurvivor ]</small>

Have you looked into filing a restraining order against OW? Threatening legal action could work.

When my husband ended the affair, the OW got really nasty. Blocking her phone number and calling us constantly, leaving messages on his cell phone (until we changed the number), sending threatening emails, etc.

To start things off, we filed a police report for the harassing phone calls. Ironically, they stopped as soon as we called the police, we think she had a police scanner. We then printed out all of the emails, and each new email that she sent was added to "the pile". The day that we had the appointment with the lawyer to file for the restraining order, she had sent 5 emails!!! The restraining order was approved, and now I have peace and quiet for the most part.

Be careful, and don't underestimate her need for "revenge".

Edited to add: Our OW has been married and divorced twice. She's on her third marriage now and is constantly looking for new victims to extort money from. Long story....but your OW sounds eerily similar to the one my husband got himself involved with. Hmmmm.

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 03:21 PM: Message edited by: Arabesque ]</small>

I think everyone here has had to deal with a clinging OP to some degree following d-day. There are some real psycho stories out there. H's OW still works with him - it's been almost 3 years since d-day. So I know what it's like to have a FOW still hanging around. She could contact him without me knowing - by just talking to him in a normal conversation at work. Have you read the information about the Love Bank?

That is how my H and the FOW finally whithered away. Their love banks got depleted. He quit flattering her, giving her attention, talking to her etc. and those were bank withdrawals. So she chewed him out about his actions a couple of times (treated him like a spoilt child) and of course those were HUGE LB's for him! She still tried to to him some favors, but even those started to be LB's because he saw it as her trying to sabotage what we were trying to rebuild together after he clearly had told her to back off and back out of his life.

Yes, she is insecure. She needs to know that he left her for some strange reason that still would leave her as the more beautiful, smarter, etc of the women in his life. Some women just can't live without male approval and if a man decides they no longer approve of them, it crushes them. Unfortunately it is often these women with such low self esteem that instead of finding one single available man to develop a mature relationship with decide to leach onto taken men because they are often easier prey.

Thans to A, K and J for your insight....it helped tremendously....I forgot about the Fatal Attraction thing....I guess if I anticipate the OW to be pyscho..it won't be a surprise and if it gets really ugly...I'll go the legal route.

Just when I thought it was safe to go back into the water. Someday I hope life will go back to normal. Thanks, ss

SS - Sorry to hear that you are having OW causing you so much grief. If OW won't leave your H and you alone, the a restraining order may be the way to go. If she sends you threatening e-mails voicemails etc, keep them as they can be used to help make your case stronger.

If OW doesn't seem to want to "get" the message and give up the A, you were probably very accurate in your description of her as an addict. She will probably keep trying until a new victim comes along, so be patient. If you and WW can work through this together it's a good sign that you are on track for rebuilding the relationship.

How have you been holding up? Try not to be discouraged as you are going to need to be the rock in your relationship for some time yet.

Cheers R-Man

If xow is truly psycho and it sounds as if she is, the best thing to do is ignore her. In her madness, negative communication is better than no communication at all. She cut her hair when he broke up with her!?! That surely speaks of mental instability!

The psycho xow in my life kept up harrassing for almost 3 years. Occasionally I'll see her around but at this point, who cares. I doubt it won't totally stop until she finds another loser who will spend more than 15 minutes with her...you get the drift.

Eventually your H will fully realize how he dodged the bullet. Give it time. Don't respond to anything she does but keep notes on all her activity. There may come a time when you will need that information.

Psycho xow too had a gay friend who apparently loved the drama and fueled the harrassment. How pathetic they both are. I pity the next family they set out to destroy..they sure helped to destroy mine...

Thanks for the support and info. I was procrastinating getting my home number changed...but after I started this thread and read your responses...I called the phone company and now have a new number. Whew.......I feel safer already! Next I will work to change the email address.

I thought it was just me that this woman seemed psycho so I really appreciate your validations. Luckily the woman does not drive more than 10 miles and we live 30 miles away!

During this process, I have often asked myself...do I want to be a part of this soap opera and there have been times when the answer is "no, I want to be around healthy, well-adjusted people." We'll see if I can hang in and H can emerge from fog into the sunshine.

Thanks RM and J for your insight....our city has many, many crazies...OW should have pick of the litter...hope she finds a new victim to drain the life out of them. Thanks, ss

Can I speak from the other side of this discussion? I was the WW in my story. I had an A with another woman (first time for me). It ended abruptly (after nearly 3 years) when I threatened to "out" us to my H and to her H. (She had ended the sexual part of our relationship months before that--or she tried to).

I started in that relationship being the strong, self-assured one, wanting to befriend this person and help her! Her marriage was suffering and she looked to me for advice. We fell in love months down the line. Weird.

We were co-dependent in our relationship, and yet she became the stronger one who ended it, VERY ABRUPTLY. I didn't deal well with that. My point is this: All along, she assured me of my importance in her life. Without me, she had "no one", etc. I don't think it was a line. I think she really felt this way. So, to go from being so all-important, to being cut out of her life, was a shock to me.

I tried calling her and emailing her, not believing that the end was for real. How could it be, when she assured me of my importance? Maybe that's what these OW are thinking too?? Yes, I did go overboard and she accused me of "stalking". Yes, she obtained a lame attempt at a Cease & Desist letter, which she mailed to me. Yes, she returned all of my mail for a while, and didn't take my calls. The more this happened, the more I couldn't understand how I could become this unimportant in her life.

So, I could see what the OW are going through. They're not all "insane". They weren't looking to snag someone. At least I wasn't. I know that my situation made me act totally unlike myself. I felt out of control and unbelievably depressed. I'd never cross the line and actually make threats though. I never felt that angry about it all. Just sad. I still can't speak badly about her. I'm forever confused and sick about it all.

I guess I'd do all I could to protect myself, my H and my family if I felt threatened, but I'm just adding that MAYBE the OW had cause to feel so out of control. JMO.

CC

Thanks Confused...reading your post...it almost seemed as if it was from my H! That is how his A started.

I have been trying to understand the "slippery slope" that leads to addiction. I don't think I am a very addictive type personality (except for the MB board..haha) so I have a little harder time understanding the predicament.

I have worked really hard to fill H's EN's so I hope in time after withdrawal, he will become addicted to me. I really do love him and wish him well what ever happens. Your perspective is important and I appreciate the view from the other side. It helps me to gain an additional vantage point. ss

SS,

I'm glad my post was of some use to you. I apologize in advance if anything I said hurt you. I'm sure that hearing from a WW or a WH is hurtful.

What you said was helpful to me! I *do* have an addictive personality! My therapist helped me see that. It's something that I always used in a positive way and it's never really gotten me into trouble, luckily, until now! So, yes, I certainly did become addicted to her. I became addicted to helping her, befriending her, and then addicted to wanting to BE her whole life. That withdrawal is STILL hurtful, 6 months later, but I'm trying...

Good luck to you. I'll try to check back when I can!

CC

Not much I can add here, except to definitely check into getting a restraining order. Don't let it escalate further. Do you know if your H is keen to that idea?

H called tonight and I told him that I changed our home phone number and he said..."good." I felt better about that. I also changed our email address so I am on a roll. Thanks to all the posters...it was very helpful and I hope it does not come to an ro, but I understand how this end stuff might work. Thanks to all.

SS its scary how the addiction of infielity an affect some people.
Has your H actually told her to F'k off ?

My Squid was obsessed with OM but when HE told her to f'k off and went uber-dark she gave up after a while and is coming around now. Mebbe your H needs to be foreceful ?

Your post makes me realise how blessed I am to have this OM so dark and working on his R.

All blessings