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#1230515 11/18/04 04:10 PM
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Cymanca Offline OP
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Just a general question. How many BS's on this forum have had the courage to move on to a D fueled by having a possible new significant other enter their lives? I spend a lot of time browsing these forums, and I marvel at the strength of some BS to proceed to the D process.

Now I know this is a M forum but I wonder how many of us BS's have found some one else and that gives them the impetus to move on?

I do not want to enter a discussion of the wisdom of starting another relationship so soon but want to confine the answers to my above question.

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Hasn't happened to me yet. And if I don't put myself in the position it probably won't.

Personally, I think that it would be a bad idea to do such a thing. The reasons seem obvious to me.

I'll D when I'm satisfied that my W is dead and only the WW is left in her place.

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I don't know if I'd call that courageous. I think I'd call it a cop-out - I'm sure D becomes more appealing if a BS gets a nice R-E-B-O-U-N-D affair going.

Believer remembers somebody who did that. The way she put it, IIRC, a pretty girl smiled at the dude from the other side of a pool table, and he jumped on that ole slippery slope and went "WHEEEEEEE".

The high road is all I've got! I sure don't want to lose it, even for nookie.

GC

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Cymanca Offline OP
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GC,

I stand corrected. Courage was a poor choice of words.

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I would have to agree. I would only go for the D after I have tried my hardest at making the M work. I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life even with someone else, knowing that I could have done something more. Mabye thats religion or moral character or I don't know, but I think I'd have to stick it out until I saw absolutely no W left.

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Hi Cymanaca,

That would be me.

My first M was in the toilet (married 6 years, the last 5 had been BAD). I got him to MC twice over the years, things just kept deteriorating, and I was already thinking about D. Then I met this nice man. He was nothing but polite to me; never flirty, never hit on me. But it got me thinking about what was out there in the world for me. It got me thinking I needed to get out of my marriage quickly, so I could try again (while I was still young). I asked H for a D just a few months after meeting this man.

So now, I know I had an EA, but then it just looked like Very Green Grass. I never dated the man, even after my D, but I know he sparked my interest in having a real relationship/marriage, although he never knew it. He gave me hope, I guess. Is that what you mean? - Dru

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 04:40 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

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Cymanca Offline OP
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Drucilla,

Precisely. Thanks for your input.

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Cymanca,

I'm going to go out on a limb here. Knowing that I am going against the likes of Dr. Laura, Dr. Joyce and most experts.

However, you are 51 yrs of age, you have stated you want babies. If you have met a woman you like or one who has piqued your interest and you know that you have no feelings left for WW, then I say GOOD for you! Just don't hurt anyone, like Gray said with a rebound relationship.

Life is short, is what I say.

In my opinion, you earned your way out of your marriage. And can now have a great marriage or relationship, if you so desire.

And yes, I believe that divorce is easier if you realize that their are other fish in the sea.

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 05:12 PM: Message edited by: weaver ]</small>

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I was gonna post about that "dude" GC was talking about. He is from my state, believer hooked us up (not in person, on MB). He was in lots of pain, his WW was in her 3rd PA since they'd been M'd (11 year M, I think). She had moved out, they had no kids, their dog died (they shared custody - kinda like their "kid") while WW was moved out, and she had filed for D. In our state, D is "no fault."

He was going to fight it, drag it out, but after meeting the cute girl, and sliding down the slippery slope, he decided to just sign the papers when he got them. He did, they did, and believer and I haven't heard from him in many months.

I think each sitch is so unique, it is hard to answer such a question. For instance, I had an opportunity once to become interested in someone who made it clear they were very interested in me. My H had left me and the boys, he was chasing after OW who had dumped him. My self-esteem was in the crapper. It felt soooo wonderful to feel desired, funny, like someone wanted to be with ME.

BUT, I realized that very night I had my opportunity, that I only wanted that stuff from my then-wayward H. That is how I knew I was not ready. I still had hope and desire for my M to work.

My thoughts are with you. I saw your pic on the MB photo thread - very handsome. You will do just fine, no matter what. And as believer and I kept coaching our friend, don't rush into anything. Give yourself time to heal. The other thing we told our friend is that it is his decision and we love and will support him no matter what. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

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Hey SS!- I have to say that the person in question did an excellent Plan A, and tried his best to get his wife back. She was living with another man.

The folks that he worked with were trying to set him up with someone, and finally he got lonely. He went out to lunch and was going to stay just friends.

Oops. Although we warned him, he took the plunge. Last I heard, they were very happy together. And she was 8 years younger than he and his ex-wife.

Also he continued IC.

I've done this thing for 22 months and it gets old real fast.

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SS, believer, I certainly didn't mean any offense toward your friend by calling him "dude".

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

GC

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None taken, GC! We actually lovingly referred to him as the "one-legged, toothless (well, except for his one molar, crowned in gold, and he was looking at getting extensive bridgework done, anchored off that one molar), butt-crack, chew-spittin', hillbilly."

We had a lot of time on our hands back then, apparently. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

believer, did I make your ears burn? Cause I was talkin' for ya? I thought about that after I posted. Thanks for adding all that pertinent info I left out. I can't wait until I ever experience an entire, whole thought again. Maybe when my kids grow up, and move out? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

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Cymanca Offline OP
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Guys, guys, guys.

I was just asking a rhetorical question based on my reading.

I am a married man.And will be until the ink is on the paper.

Six months of Plan B just make me a LONELY married man.

That's all.

<small>[ November 18, 2004, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: Cymanca ]</small>

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Hi Cy,

We all jump from one club to another don't we? First it's the BS club,then either the Recovered or Divorced club,then those who divorce enter the Lonely Hearts club.At least until we find a new mate.

I think that "dude's" name was Brett wasn't it? gblogbd(get busy living or get busy dying).Not sure if I remembered that correctly.I think he posted briefly here recently and was still talking about his ex.Oh well.

A lot of us are lonely Cy.I'm not really yet,maybe a little but for what I had not for someone else.I have to get over this marriage/divorce crisis first and it's not nearly quite done yet.Lots to settle and deal with.I actually like the idea of being without a man for a while.No baggage to handle.I can only imagine what I will encounter out there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Makes me wonder.One thing's for sure,my decision to file for a D had nothing whatsoever to do with a potential someone out there.That's not on my list of reasons.

O

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Cymanca Offline OP
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10Girl,

How are you. It seems that you have either cut back posting or are off the MB boards altogether. I have tried to really cut back, it can really be painful at times and I need to shake that " I can fix it" mindset.

Can't wait for 2004 to be over. Just found out my mom has a variant of ALS and my neuro buddies are giving her 1-3 years. Man, I can't believe that there could be any tears left.

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I think the possibility ..the very real and acknowledged possibility of having another SO could definitely be helpfull for the BS who is considering divorcing.

We so often are just..stuck. It's miserable, it ain't gettin' better and frankly..we have somewherebouts inside ourselves figured out that it's over. Still we haven't quite had the *courage* to file and be done with it. Not because we don't want to, but because we are afraid to. That's where the courage comes into play. Once we are done with it, and it's done..and then..and then..what? We have been married people and now?

The idea is the thing..it doesn't have to be a real person, and shouldn't be [I'm not volunteering my life and emotions for that purpose, how 'bout you?] but the concept that life will continue after this. The sun will rise, you will meet new people, and there may yet be a happy marriage in your future.

Very motivating indeed.

Nice post Cymanca

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Oh {{Cy}}.I am so sorry about your mom! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Boy,when it rains it pours doesn't it? My Dad was just recently diganosed with bladder cancer so I have another family crisis to deal with too.ugh.I keep getting hit with all these major life changes and I don't know how much more I can take.I am still standing though.Alone but standing.

I actually have been posting quite a bit lately.I seem to go in spurts.Sometimes I will take a week or so off and then I get drawn back in and feel a strong desire to help people here.I'm still at the stage where MB helps me mentally.To know that I am doing the right thing and that I am not crazy.I used to post a great deal on WebMD for years helping people with my medical background but I don't anymore.It got to be too overwhelming and I just couldn't devote the time any longer.

Well,the good thing about being a doctor is you can be your mom's advocate and really see to it that she gets the best care.You both will be in my prayers.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cymanca:
my mom has a variant of ALS </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am so sorry... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

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Oct:

"I think that "dude's" name was Brett wasn't it? gblogbd(get busy living or get busy dying).Not sure if I remembered that correctly."

Brett is the dude, but Steve is gblogbd. Yep, Steve's been here recently, is DV'd, but ol' Brett the airplane mechanic hasn't been back since he slipped off the slope!

Blissfully, I hope <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

-ol' 2long

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TX 2long.I had a feeling that I was fusing two people together.I wonder if Brett's married yet.HA

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />


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