Out of the blue my wife shows up last night. Says she had attended a training course in a nearby town(I think this is true). I know she went half way across the country last week to be with OM. Says she only got about 2 hours sleep last night, so I took her out to dinner and let her spend the night. No relationship talk at all only talked about the children. No kissing, hugging or SF. I was kind. I treated her as a house guest. I could see her tearing up several times at dinner but made no mention of it. Did I handle this right? She has read my Plan B letter and has been on her own for 6 weeks now. OM is sending her money. So I am so hurt by her actions but I felt like I needed to be kind to her.

Doesn't sound like you are in Plan B to me.

Good Plan A behavior if that what you want to drop back to, but not good Plan B behavior.

If you had previously sent a Plan B letter, I think you probably should have asked her if she was ready to do the things she needed to do to come home. If she wasn't, then send her on her way.

BUT, it sounds to me that you still have a fairly high love bank balance for her...maybe you went to Plan B too soon?

Low

I went to work and left her sleeping. I took 1/2 day off and played golf so when I get home, she is still here. What do I do? I assumed that she would leave again. I am lost. Do I be real assertive and tell her she can't stay here. Help!!!

HINC,

I don't have much time, but you might ask her why she is there since she has chosen OM. Don't be mean, but I think it is a fair question to ask. Her answer will probably provide the guidance you need to decide what to do. You are in plan B remember and she knows it, so it is reasonable that she answer that question.

God Bless,

JL

ack! It sounds like she might be trying to ease in the back door and/or get a fix. You can't let that happen, h! If she can come in occasionally to get a "fix" then she will never end her affair. That defeats the entire point of Plan B.


I would remind her that she doesn't live there anymore and it is time to go home. Tell her you made a mistake letting her stay there and refer her to your Plan B letter. Remind her that she shouldn't contact you again until she has ended her affair and is ready to commit to your marriage. You can't back down on this, hopeful.

Could be that she really really wants to try to make it work and is ready to do what it takes, but maybe shes so nervous and ashamed of whats happened that she needs assurance from you that its actually "ok" to come home, even with boundries.?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
I don't have much time, but you might ask her why she is there since she has chosen OM.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes... ask her "why" she is there ... and, unless she is willing to NC and do all the requirements stated in Plan B letter as of right NOW ...
tell her it is time for her to leave.
Then pick up her suitcase, deliver it to the front door, and ask if she needs you to call her a cab.

Is she cruel or just insensitive????

Pep

I did ask why she is here nad her reply is "I wanted to be home". She said to be here is comforting. We had a big fight with lots of LB's. At the end of it all I told her she was still my wife and I love her. She is sleeping now. She did call OM and tell him it was over in front of me. That caused more disagreement because she said "I Love You" to him and then asked me if that was enough and I said no. Because you have not acknowledged my pain in all this. You still love him. I told her that I was not gonna be the 2nd choice. No question about that one. She got real angry with me after she called OM. I know not to believe her. I made her a bet that within 1 week one of the tow would call one another. She is hopelessly brain dead. I Love my wife but I don't need this ****. I need a woman that picks me #1. I need a woman that doesn't go outside her marriage to solve her problems. But I amhopelessly in love with her or am I just reistant to change. I know I have a fear of change but the last 6 weeks have taught me that I cn survive this. Advice?

You know, h, her utter lack of respect for you is breathtaking. She needs a flop house and a warm bed and will say anything right now to get a "fix" so she can continue on with her affair. But I assure you she is not ready to end her affair and commit to her marriage.

If you allow her to ride roughshod over you and trash your Plan B you are in for more weeks and months of watching the affair up close again.

You see, Plan B IS WORKING!! But she does not want it to work. She is finally seeing what she is missing but she still does not want to give up the affair. The only way she can keep the affair is to have you propping her up. If you aren't there to prop her up, she will eventually give up the affair and come back FOR REAL.

But if you let her get away with this charade, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! DON'T GIVE UP BEFORE THE MIRACLE!

H, kindly show her to the door and tell her that you can discuss reconcilation when she has demonstrated, over time, that the affair is really ended and that she is committed to your marriage.

Nothing has changed yet, h!

I agree with ML..I think she should leave tonight.

Noodle

MelodyLane, I think and feel that you are right. I know the A isn't over yet. I am leaving in the morning to play golf and I hope she isn't here when I come back but who knows maybe she does need a flop house and I amit. If she is here tomorrow I will send her on the road. She has not indicated any remorse. I feel extremely hurt that she has not said to me that she is sorry for all the pain she has caused. All she says is you cause me pain for all those years. Maybe I did but but I can't fix the past, I can only go forward. Thank you for replying to my post. I welcome your 2x4's

nc....

I did not realize you were running a motel for unrepentant WWs... (sarcasm on a Friday is permissible, ya know)

Seriously ... this is a RESPECT isssue.

If you break your own rules (the Plan B letter) then you TEACH her to disrespect you. You either mean what you say, or you don't . Which is it?

Get her out until she agrees to Plan B reconciliation behaviors.

Pep

Hopeful -

I have always believed that your wife would be back. Sometimes when they come back, they are not sorry right away. That takes some time.

Your wife did call OM in front of you. Ask her if she will write a no contact letter to him. See what she says.

H,

Didn't the OM dump her first? If this is the case, then her little theatrics of calling the OM and telling him it was over is nothing more than a farce.

Pep is right when she tells you that respect is the issue. There can be no love without respect and your WW does not respect you [at this moment anyway] and because of this you must ask her to leave. Remember that which is given cheaply is never valued.

Don't set yourself up for a false recovery.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
Your wife did call OM in front of you. Ask her if she will write a no contact letter to him. See what she says.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and .... during that call your WW said, "I love you" ... not to YOU, but to OM ... which is highly DISrespectful ....

The affair is not over.

Believer, false recoveries begin when the BS bends his/her own boundaries that were clearly outlines in the PBL.

Recovery without respect is ... well, I think pretty much impossible.

Pep

<small>[ November 20, 2004, 10:07 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Pep -

You are exactly right.

And the most dangerous thing to the marriage is if WW keeps this up, NC is likely to run out of love for her.

Believer....

*THANK YOU*

for helping our wounded men and women ...

I cannot tell you how grateful I feel for what you do to help our troops.

REALLY... THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

Pep

Pep, your right. There can be no recovery without respect. She has an apartment in another town. She needs to go there and really end the affair. I don't think it's over either. I won't be a #2 choice. Not for any one. I am a person of value.

Hopeful -

You are a good man. You are a good man. Repeat after me, I am a good man. You don't deserve the way your wife is treating you, and hopefully she will come out of it.

My WH (after 22 months) does seem to be sorry. He doesn't do anything about it, but I feel he has a lot of regrets. And before, he felt absolutely nothing. It just takes some time. So hang in there and stick to the advice here.

Believer and Pep, thanks for your support. She has left for the night and I don't know where she has gone. I can't help her now. She can only help herself. She is in a jam financially, I suppose because she was counting on OM to help her out. I know I am not gonna help her run her A. So I will just hang out here. My kids are coming home for Thanksgiving and it will be a festive occasion. I am made plans to cook for them. With their help we will have a happy holiday. I am sure of that. I bet she tries to show up. I am so tired of this. Believer, how did you do it for so long? You are truly an amazing person. Your husband is a fool.