Hello all. I wish that I knew how to link my previous posts so that you could read my story up to now. Hopefully, some of you will remember.

My ww's last contact w/OM was Nov. 1, and she has been doing great about NC, and I have been trying to be as supportive of her as I can through her withdrawal.

Yesterday she called me to let me know that OM called her at work around noon-time. Our MC had advised that if he called that she should simply hang up. Of course, she didn't do this, and talked w/him for about 10 minutes, and told him that she could not work on our relationship if she has any contact with him. I am very grateful for the honesty, and see it as a positive step that she came to me about the contact. However, I am worried about her conversation setting her withdrawal clock back to near zero.

Here's the rub. After the Nov. 1 contact, when I discovered she was violating NC, I called OM, and told him that if there was any more contact I would expose (again) to his wife that he was in contact with my wife. Many of you advised that I should expose right then. After about a week I did go ahead and contact OM's wife and let her know that contact had continued up to Nov. 1.

Well, after he contacted again yesterday, I decided to contact his wife and let her know again. When I did, my ww blew up at me because I left a message on their home answering machine, and "they have kids, and how can you be so selfish. Those kids don't need to be involved" etc etc. She even mentioned that OM's infirm father lives with them, and it might upset him.

I am just amazed at the anger, and that she can tell me that I am being selfish. On the selfish meter I don't think I come anywhere near her actions or OM. Get this, according to OM he told his wife that he was going to contact my W whether or not she wanted him to stop, and if she had a problem with that she could just leave him. How's that for selfless giving?

How does your W know that you called and left a message? It had to come from the OM which makes me wonder if he didn't get the message first and erase it. If I were you, I would call back until you get the OMW.

Tell your W that its not your job to cover up OM's sleazy behavior. If he doesn't want to be exposed he should stop doing things he has to hide!

I think if the OM wants to continue calling your W, that you should continue calling his house. You did the right thing. There is no reason that OM's aging father can't find out. Maybe you should call him up directly?

There is nothing "selfish" about trying to save your marriage. That is nonsense.

<small>[ November 19, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Don't be certain that OM's W will get the message. Whoever gets there first gets delete privileges. Don't trust what either affair partner says they've told anyone, either. Lies are the rule of thumb. Unless you heard the words directly, don't put any faith in them.

You may want to contact the OM's W, either in person, or on the phone, to verify she does know about the A and/or the continued contact.

You are on the right path. When your WW gets angry, make sure to explain you are simply doing this because you love her, and you don't believe your marriage can have a chance at being successful so long as she's in an affair.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A !!!!!

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks ML.

My wife knows I left a message because I called with her in my presence (the whole time she was trying to stop me).

I know that it is not selfishness on my part, I am just exasperated that she had the audacity to tell me that.

Nothing you have described is unusual, unfortunately.

Did your wife send OM a NC letter?

I suggest you expose to OM's W each time you know contact is continuing. Problem is, now your wife is less apt to tell you whenever OM calls.

She's still on the fence and OM isn't anywhere NEAR the fence.

Do you know if OM's W has the capability to digest MB information? If so, can you suggest she come here? Can you get her a copy of SAA?

Thanks ML.

My wife knows I left a message because I called with her in my presence (the whole time she was trying to stop me).

I know that it is not selfishness on my part, I am just exasperated that she had the audacity to tell me that.

Well, I would say that you did exactly what you said you would do and, like children, which is the way they are behaving, they are having a temper tantrum.

OM sounds like a real gem, if he told his W that he was going to continue contact no matter what, then what would it matter if you took out a 30 second ad on TV to expose this A.

IMO, I would be suspicious of your W. I believe, just by her reaction, that she is giving you tidbits to keep you happy. It goes something like this...OM called me today, I just hung up, aren't I being good, no more questions from you, happy your W told you...what she doesn't tell you is about the 15 other times she has been talking to him.

Just food for thought. We are dealing with SP who are acting pretty low here. Sometimes you got to get down in the gutter yourself to understand it and figure through the lies.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by trippnbillies:
<strong>My wife knows I left a message because I called with her in my presence (the whole time she was trying to stop me).</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't do it this way next time.

Don't tell your W you're gonna do it nor tell her after you do it. Just do it.

WAT

Thanks for the replies.

OM W is aware of the affair, and when I left the message last night, I mentioned that I would also send an e-mail to her at work in case OM deleted the message.

I have suggested that OM W take a look at MB. It appears to me that OM is a predator, and he is also a Psychiatrist (Dr. heal thyself). He has no interest in counseling, or it would appear in working on his M at all.

What a mess!! My WW does understand now that she can't have contact, and I believe that she has been working very hard to live up to her end of the bargain. I just want OM to stop contact, and I wish I had some type of leverage w/him. Apparently his W and family are of no significance to him.

trippn

Was she a patient of his? If so, you have the leverage of an Abrams Tank.

Just a thought...

SD

ooooh boy, SD beat me to it!!

He's a shrink?

Pennies from heaven!!!!!

Find out how/what he's licensed to practice and expose to the licensing authority pronto. This will get his attention.

WAT

HA!!!

Look at the times SD, Mel and I posted our last responses!

Think we were excited?

WAT

trippnbillies,

I am sorry but a lost track of your previous thread. I had suggested a while ago to contact this OM's state medical board. Was this thought entertained and/or initiated. Believe me,this exposure is the equivalent of a pair of channel lock pliers being applied to the gonads of any practicing physician, especially a psychiatrist.

LOL!

Battered souls, crouched and ready to pounce in the blink of an eye! Fresh red meat!

Still laughing!

SD

She was not a patient of his. She worked with him for about 2 years. He has since changed jobs, and is self-employed. Prior to that he worked for the state.

If I were to speculate, I would make a bet that he lost his position at the state because of his "dalliances" with the help. My W was unfortunately not the only person that he got involved with there.

Cymanca,

This was not a Dr./Patient relationship. Does the state board care if he has an affair outside of a Dr./Patient relationship?

My guess would be that they don't, but I have entertained turning in a complaint. Just didn't think that it would make any difference/State wouldn't care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shattered dreams:
<strong> LOL!

Battered souls, crouched and ready to pounce in the blink of an eye! Fresh red meat!

Still laughing!

SD </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> And you know we all loved the Abrams Tank allusion!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Cymanca:
<strong>Believe me,this exposure is the equivalent of a pair of channel lock pliers being applied to the gonads of any practicing physician, especially a psychiatrist. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was thinking more along the line of vise grips - they can be locked in place.

Dern right the State ought to care - whether they do or not you deal with later. A second route is via whatever professional organization he might belong to - they all have a Code of Ethics. Any way you "clamp" this, a shrink engaged in infidelity is no-brainer unethical.

WAT

I was pondering why WSs get so upset with these type of revelations.

After reading posts in the OW/OM web site I finally understood why the WS gets offended. During the affair----- during the so-called we are soul mates stage the two participants feel they can trust each other with anything and that there is no chance in hell that they could betray each other (they feel this way even though they are actually betraying their spouses). The thought of betraying the affair partner is something that they cannot visualize.

After D-day the WS still feels loyalty to the OP. When this lady notified her husband that OM had called she was in fact breaking her loyalty to the OM. However, she still wanted to let OM believe she was true to her prior pledge of fidelity during the soul nate stage of the affair. Once the OM learns that his affair partner is not trustworthy there is a huge disappointment from OM’s part and the WW is seen as deceitful and not to be trusted.

Yep, the OM and OW perceive the WS as deceitful when they try to rebuild the marriage and when they no longer hide anything from the BS----- amazing!!

<small>[ November 19, 2004, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>