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#1230955 11/19/04 12:48 PM
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I read your story and one of the things that struck me from your posts was how your W has been violent with you prior to your marriage and during the 1999-2003 time period. I urge you to please not get more involved with her until she goes to therapy to deal with her violent outbursts. If you also have been violent with her, then you to need to go therapy to deal with your own violent inclinations. No matter how you cut it, there is NO EXCUSE for domestic violence no matter who the spouse is.

TMCM

#1230956 11/20/04 01:20 AM
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TOO MUCH..

I hear you....I did some serious IC'ing right after the divorce action as did she. Right now we're doing joint counseling. It is going well.
We have a pretty bad past. I'll never understand a man who hits someone just because they're mad, let alone a woman. I have, in the past defended myself resulting in minor injuries to her. Some how I could never defend those actions and I still can't. She tells me now that she wanted me to hurt her after her brief affair and that was why she was violent. That came out in therapy. Recently during a disagreement I was quite disresepctful regarding her liasons and she went to slap me. I left not speaking to her for 3 days. I will not allow that back in my life and we spoke again during counseling. My response during it was that right below "screwing around on me" is hitting me....How can she say she won't do either ever again....I know, in my heart...she wanted to punch me....for my remarks....

So...long and short of it..we're in counsleing both I and Joint....we're working on it...it's amazing how good (and bad) we can make each other feel....

#1230957 11/19/04 11:20 PM
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I'm glad that BOTH of you are owning to your individual issues by going to counseling but you must make no more violence against you a deal breaker otherwise she is going to do it again, and again. One more slap and you are gone.

#1230958 11/20/04 11:37 AM
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I wish I could honestly say that would be "it"....but I love her. When our counselor told her that my "feeling like a victim" was a geniune feeling my XW got angry. I was a victim of emotional abuse as a child and of the trauma of her voilent behavior, her emtional abuse, nasty divorce action, her affairs, etc. My reaction was NEVER violence but her perceptions, especially if I learned of her affairs and of my reaction to her divorce actions was that I would "kill her". My belief is that is HOW SHE WOULD HAVE REACTED! I do know that if I did learn of her affair when she asked me to leave 6 years ago I would have and we never would be where we're at today. I am a different person today. What I learned was no matter how hard I tried to hate her I could not and do not.

I was guilty of emotional and physical abuse ( only as a defense she was ALWAYS the iniator of any violence) as was she. I really just learned of her affair from 6 years ago within the last month (I had disclosure in June but the "details" did not come until early this month- the pain is very new). My reaction to her last encounter was one of immense disrespect as I informed her she was a hypocrite for always accusing me yet she made the plans, made the reservations, got herself ready, arranged care for our boys, drove over an hour (so she would not get caught "in town")and slept with some "older, wealthy customer who made her feel special"...then decided she could not live with herself or I. Those ensuing years were hell....a hell I can't get over. I'm angry over it. Plus I trusted her with my life and I should not have. She knows all of these feelings I have and I have told and written to her what my needs are regarding it. My reaction was one of immense disgust. I asked her if she realized she was this guys "special piece of A$$. And it just went down from there. As I said more she got angry and raised her hand to slap. I left not saying anything....

She wants me back in every way. Honestly, I more friggin scared now than I ever was....I absolutely KNOW that I could never live with the hurt this woman has put on me. So my brain tells me "What in the name of GOD are you thinking??"

I appreciate your concern and the concern of others. This is a long and difficult process. Just like I knew it would be. Thank God this place makes me feel normal.

#1230959 11/20/04 11:59 AM
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I could honestly say that would be "it"....but I love her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beg to differ because to love another person you MUST love yourself first and to do that you have to have self respect. Do you have self respect?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As I said more she got angry and raised her hand to slap. I left not saying anything....

She wants me back in every way. Honestly, I more friggin scared now than I ever was....I absolutely KNOW that I could never live with the hurt this woman has put on me. So my brain tells me "What in the name of GOD are you thinking??"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I beleive you should listen to your brain especially since you are no longer married to her.

You may not realize this but YOU are in the driver's seat as far as allowing her back in your life or not. Your XWW has a long way to go before she is healthy enough to be in a committed relationship. If you take your XWW back at this moment I can almost guarantee you that you will rue this day. I humbly suggest that you start living your life and start dating other women not to get into another committed relationship but to get to know what an emotionally healthy woman looks like and not to settle for anything less.

#1230960 11/21/04 01:24 AM
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Too Much

A little back ground. We have been divorced for over a year. I have dated many women and actually had a wonderful "affair" with a woman for about 2 months. However, we both knew how I felt about XW so I ended it. She on the other hand did not date. She just took an EA to the next level. She says she never loved him and he knew it. I had a very difficult time with it and still do. It just confirmed to me that my perception that he had something to do with our divorce. She dated no one else!

Do I have self respect? Absolutely. It is the main reason I can not make the committment she is looking for. Not yet. Is it a goal? Yes. But it is time that I need. If we discuss ANY issues things can go bad quickly as she withdraws. She is obsessed with the fact that I "let" someone love me. That I had sex with other women. She is quite insecure about her looks (she is georgeous! Nicole Kidman look alike). I had a lot of 2 week relationships until I was divorced for 9 months. Now, 9 months doesn't seem long but mind you my XW and I lived totally seperate lives for 4 years! I hated "dating"...but did I enjoy someone "loving me"?? Sure did. It was great and I could have fallen. I just knew that she would always be second best...I followed my heart and was true to myself.

So in a nutshell. I'm a long way off from where she wants to go. However, I am in a committed "dating" situation with her. I spend a lot of time with her and the boys at her home and vice versa. It's done if I date someone alse and to be honest I do not desire anyone else in the slightest way. Been there; done that. However, today is "cleaning day " at her house. I'm taking care of my place...we have a romantic dinner date tonight. The changes I have seen in her are immense as they are with me. We know we need to KEEP changing and as long as we do I think we'll be OK.

Again, thanks for your input, I respect it. I am in a very different place than many posting here. However, I'm here to deal with my emotions regarding her past infidelity. I think of it every day..within minutes of waking up.

This road will be long but I'm willing to keep working on it. I have aton of self respect for myself for doing it. There are som ewho do not support my decision. However, I resect it more from someone who has walked in my shoes.


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