Hi weaver,

I just wanted to ask how you were doing these days? I noticed you told someone that you broke it off with the BF again and just wondered what happened.When I spoke to you last after being away a while,I think I asked you why you made the decision to go back to him and you didn't quite answer me.

If you don't want to talk about it,that's ok.Just wondering.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi O,

I have DD this weekend but she let me get on the computer inbetween movies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well to make a long story short -

After I found out he was seeing someone during the time we were supposed to be dating (but no longer living together, he moved out at my request) I gave him a letter that I was through and not contact me again. Anything dealing with our island property was to go through my sister. Almost like a Plan B, but with no chance of reconciliation as far as I was concerned, a loving letter but very final.

Anyway after 5 weeks he started writing to me, he was having a hard time functioning, had to go on A/D's. Well he sounded like he had some enlightenment as to his past behavior, so I started talking to him on phone. After a few more weeks of that I agreed to start dating him.

Well he's been working in Chicago, and I just don't get the feeling of any true change on his part. He isn't going to IC, isn't reading any books, is making independent decisions as far as the holidays.

He is going to be working up here this winter and it is too cold to live on the island during winter, so he asked me if he could "rent" a room from me this winter. Take it one day at a time, just see how it goes. Well that really ticked me off after I started thinking about it, because he knows that I don't want to live with anyone. It was something that really bothered me before, but I agreed to it before our wedding because he had no where to live. He lost everything in his last divorce and really has no money, etc. When I told him that it really hurt me that he would ask me to live together again, knowing that my DD's dad doesn't like it (not a good message to be sending her) and knowing that it is exactly what I didn't want.

I don't know O, I realize that he has had no real growth and really doesn't give a crap about my feelings, STILL.

I am unwilling to settle this time. I have worked hard at the MB concepts in our relationship and feel he still hasn't a clue about how to treat someone he supposedly loves. Only his own feelings seem to matter.

I can't do it again, I won't. And since I told him I won't live with him until we are married and won't marry him until he is truly in IC with a Pastor I asked him to see, I have not heard from him.

Sorry, this is so long and probably not very well written, but DD is timing me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm terribly hurt, again. But I am strong and this time I won't sacrifice myself for less than what I know a good, loving relationship can be. I will get through this by sheer strength of will, and with the help of God, and MB.

I love him O, and I miss him. But I am learning about self respect and boundaries and I can't go back to the weak person I was before.

Thanks for asking O, and I read where you wrote your WH will be back for Christmas. Yeah!

My only consolation is that I don't have children with this man, because once I get over him I don't think I could deal with seeing him again.

You know even if Thanksgiving is lonely, it is better than being with someone who hasn't made good on their promise or who doesn't really "get" the pain they have caused to others. Me and his ex-wives. I still just don't think he feels the remorse he should. I hope some day he does, but who knows, heh?

Hugs to you Weaver. You are so strong and provide so much inspiration for the rest of us out here. I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know I was out here and thinking about you. Take care and enjoy the weekend with your DD.

Hi weaver,

Thanks for being so open about your situation.

You know,when I was first going to counseling by myself,I kept asking,"What am I supposed to do with my feelings?" I was hurting so badly but yet I was worried about this enormous amount of love I had for my WH that was tearing me up.I was truly lost as to what I was supposed to do.Then one day,I read a post that TMCM wrote to someone here and he said that you have to let the love die.I was crushed.

But after all this time,I came to believe it's true.I don't know if it's really possible after loving someone for so long(in my case 20 years)but I do have to let these feelings subside if I am to live happily again one day and the only way I can do that is if WH is out of my life completely.Even with kids it's important that I do this for ME.

I know you miss and love your BF but as we all know,feelings alone are not enough to carry us through this life(WS's pay attention!).There is so much more to consider.Being treated in a way that is hurtful or downright dangerous is no way to live despite the love we have for someone.I am convinced that my WH(and many WS's for that matter) has a lot of maturing to do.

Many people have had to leave relationships to be able to be safe,grow,feel loved and protected even though it's a painful decision to make.I remember once breaking up with a BF because he was a workaholic and couldn't devote enough time to us for me to be happy about.It hurt to have to do that but looking back at that time in my life,I know it was the right thing to do and I almost never think about him anymore.I did get over him,completely.Of course that's nothing compared to what I am going through now but it's the same idea.I know I deserve better and I know I NEED better,my WH isn't capable of giving anything like that to me anymore and is on his own separate journey now that is not one I would like to be on with him.I will be forever sorry that things have turned out this way becasue I know we could have had a wonderful recovery if he wanted it but he doesn't.

You will be ok weaver.You sound like a strong person who knows what she needs and wants and is not willing to let her emotions govern her choices all the time.We all falter on occasion but after being here for over a year now,I feel even more grounded(if that's possible) in what my beliefs are and what I will not settle for.

Stay true to yourself.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good for you, weaver! Have you read The One by Willard Harley? (It was also previously called Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders.) If you haven't, please do! Your BF is acting like a classic Renter, and you are absolutely right to require him to move up to Buyer before you live with him. You go girl!

Thank you October, Kloe and Just J.

Your support and incouragement mean the world to me.

And I am going to order "The One". I need all the help I can get.

Sure I am strong and determined right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring, having a tendency towards flakiness where he is concerned like I do.

It seems like no matter how much I learn and how much I want to become a certain kind of person with a certain kind of relationship, I have to keep drilling it into my head. Or I find myself reverting to the old me with the same self defeating thought patterns and behavours.

"It seems like no matter how much I learn and how much I want to become a certain kind of person with a certain kind of relationship, I have to keep drilling it inot my head. Or I find myself reverting to the old me with the same self defeating thought patterns and behaviors"

Amen to that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Noodle

Old habits die hard.But....

Ask yourself what Dr.Phil does to his guests:

What's the payoff by reverting back to old ways?

Most people,I would venture to say,don't repeat painful behaviors once they learn that it is indeed painful.Like touching a hot stove.But for other's,the choice to repeat these acts has a complex reason behind them but not necessarily an unknown one with some deep introspection.

Just rambling <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


O