What is the diffrence between being dishonest and being sensative? I have told my wife somthings that are the radical truth, as nicly as I know how. They have turned out to be the wrong thing to sa, or are they? Will she thank me later or will this be a bruise in or mariage?

I feel like if I am going to be honest then I should be totally honest, hiding nothing.

i.e.
W: Honey do you think I am fat?
H: Sweety, NO! I am really attracted to you. You look great.
W: I feel like I need to loose more weight, what do you think?
H: I will support you in what ever you want to do.
W: I want to loose 40lbs. I just don't have the time and when I do I am to tired to go to the gym, I really want to loose the weight.
H: I tell you what, if you really want this.
Work at you own pace and when you achieve you goal I will take you to Europe for a 10 day vacation.
W: Sounds great.

This may all sound ok to you but when we went to MB I expressed that one of my need s is a need for an attractive spouse. I rated her a 3 on the test scale(highest score)and circled the note that stated physical fitness and normal weight. Now this is a need that she expresed for her self prior to this and I did not htink that she is fat. She took this as me thinking that she is fat.
If I would have hidden my feeling on this would I be dishonest? Am I being stupid?

HELP!!!!!

<small>[ November 20, 2004, 01:16 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

ROFLMAO,

I am honest in every way, BUT NOT STUPID.......I always tell my wife it's just the mirror not her and that I love every curve on her because it's those curves that gave me three wonderful children...

Hey art!

Plan A is going to be a lot easier for you from now on. You just learned how NOT to LoveBust!

Always answer any question your W asks you about her height, weight, size of boobs, size of butt, or any other physical attribute, or her intelligence in the most complimentary way possible.

Screw radical honesty in that department, and replace with clever and loving tact.

To do otherwise is like driving a loaded gasoline transport into a train!

Best wishes
SD

Well I have thought about Melody's and Ms's response all night. After I cooled down for being called STUPID!!!!! and CLULESS!!!!! I was thinking how dare they respond in this way when I am trying to learn how to be a better husband. All my life I have live the same rule as Ms(along with much bigger lies). So I am working on being radically honest. NOw, if I understand correctly I should be radically honest (on this topic)by being supportive and encouraging. Telling my wife that she looks great, and she does, giving her time to go to the gym if she wants and I will watch the kids. Maybe we can go together and spend some quality time. We used to do that and I got out of the habbit when I got sick, that was 4 weeks ago. I should use this as part of my 15 hrs. We talked encouraged each other and even laughed a bit. Then wew would sit in the hot tub and talk some more. OK so maybe I am stupid and clueless, I have lost sight of my goal to be a better husband(selfish of me).

Now my W has not been willing to start the MB recovery program ever since this little situation. I got a phone call from my wife last night. She in Lake Tahoe with friends scrapebooking all weekend. She told that she took her Personal History Questionare and would fill it out, if I would do the same we could talk about it when she gets home on Sunday. This is a huge step for us and is an opputunity for me to compensate her for my actions.

So, thank you for you brutal honesty with me. A bit of advice, I think that we should try to be more encouraging to those that are just starting out. My first reaction was to give y'all a single finger wave and try this on my own. Well that abviously doesn't work. I came her for help and I suspect that I will get it when I ask.

Wish me luck!

Actually artdawg, I don't agree with the advice thus far. I think it's absolutely NECESSARY to be honest while filling out the EN questionaire. I clearly remember the FIGHT that H and I had over those numbers! My my!! He gave me a 2 for domestic support...OMG!! I gave him a -3 for Honesty. We were both quite put out and angry by the ratings...but when the dust settled...we had information that was VITAL to our recovery and the ability to put energy into the places it mattered was integral in saving our marriaged.

But lets talk a second about the question of "do I look fat?" because obviously this is a sensitive issue for women. Most women will tell you the correct answer is "of course not!" but unless that's the truth...I think it ultimately only avoids conflict and that eventually when the truth comes out....the lie will be exposed anyway. The truth (if attractive spouse is one of your major needs) will manifest itself in many many other things....lack of sexual attraction, lack of affection, lack of recreation...and drive a wedge that honesty might correct. Answering this question dishonestly, is one of those funny stereotypical phases that has become part of our culture...but it merely avoids conflict. That doesn't mean that I believe it shouldn't be handled tackfully and delicately (which I thought you did!) but NOT dishonestly...and certainly NOT dishonestly on the EN questionaire.

The initial reaction to hearing this kind of information is often not well recieved...but sometimes, a small amount of early discomfort pays big dividends for the future. Sounds like your wife had to time to think about things and as you say....it's something she is not really happy with either....I'm still very happy you revealed your truthful thoughts no matter how stupidly brave that might have been...LOL! Radical honesty is HARD! But you have very good communication skills and I do NOT think that this was selfish...I think it was a necessary part of this process.

art

star*fish makes some really good points (she always does)... however...YOUR response indicates that one can become uncomfortable when confronted with what another perceives as the "radical truth".

Let this thread be a lesson for all of us that however stark the truth, the message can be delived with with love and care, rather than with a hand grenade!

Welcome to MB. Visit and post often. Great people here, and you'll get all sides of your questions answered, as you've seen.

Best wishes,
SD

Edited to say: I missed the part about that being your response on the Questionairre. Yes, radical honesty, followed by constructive conversation, is the correct answer. In everyday converation, I'll still lean towards the loving, caring and clever compliments. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ November 20, 2004, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

You guys are awesome thank you again. I love my W and will do what ever it takes to make our marriage better than ever. I will start with a 12 red roses with 7 white carnations sent to the cabin in Lake Tahoe. Roses for my one love and carnations to thatnk all her friends for spending well deseved away time with her. She does this once a year and every time I am reminded of how much work she does during the week with our children. Two girls(1 and 4 years). Man its hard to do a 1 year olds hair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks

You know, my response was meant to be tongue in cheek and I think some missed the humor in it. artdawg, I was teasing you, not calling you names. I work with all men and this is a subject that we joke about often. I forget that others may not have such a sense of humor. So, please don't take offense at my post, it was not meant to offend but to be amusing. Apparently I missed my mark.

artdawg,

That reminds me of something I once saw during a documentary about "mr. moms" whose wives were the primary bread winners. They all agreed...that the part they found ridiculously challenging was little girls' hair!! LOL. It was funny!

Melody, I realize that you were trying to be funny and maybe I took it wrong. For me it was the timing. I appreciate you clearing the air.

Star, I am only good at one thing, ponytails! I need to expand my hair skills. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hey Melody....I should have mentioned I knew most of what you guys said was all in fun...that's what that reference to "cultural" humor was about, but I wasn't plain....sorry! I just wanted to clear up the difference between "fielding" that question in normal conversation and the EN questionaire. Didn't mean to step on any toes...sorry all!

OK...We talked opinions here...do I look fat? that's an opinion or a preference. My questions about honesty is how do I answer these questions to my EX wife (over a year divorced now trying to reconcile) about others I had in my life?

1. How many people did you date?
2. How many women did you have sex with?
3. Did any tell you that they loved you or vice versa?


I answered all of these questions truthfully and she has issues with teh answers. My point in being honest with her was I am not ashamed of anything I did.

I won't answer these questions:

1. How many times did you have sex?
2. Graphic questions as to acts that were done
3. Comparisons in that depatrtment (other than I tell her that no one compares to her and I mean it).
4. Any questions regarding betrayal by her friends who told me of her infidelity.
5. I will also not speak of the time period right after I was served, thrown from the house and restricted from seeing my children. We will never agree on that and I know it.

Our biggest problem was open and honest communication about how we felt about things. That has changed now...however, she will occasionally obsess with the above questions and "can't get it out of her head"...my response is "I can't get your infidelity out of mine either" which to her is a love buster...but it is true...I am honest about it...

How does this work??

If this is your EX wife...you don't have to answer these questions at all. Radical honesty is for folks who want to remain married...because honesty is part of a true union. The rest of the time...you totally get to decide WHO you reveal yourself to and who you don't.

Send me,

If you are goiong to reconcile, I would have both of you fill out the personal history questionare. If you do get back together and move back in these things will always be a sore spot in you relationship. I say tell her man, air it out that is the only way to get it behind you. There will always be questions otherwise.