I have a four year old son. My H moved out a month ago. He has been really great about calling him every day to talk and they spend Friday night and all day Saturday together. Here is the problem, I have been noticing that since H left, my son has been acting up. He won't listen to anyone, he is whining and throwing fits, telling me and others "no", If I try to correct him he says "I want my daddy". He tells me "I miss my daddy" at least 50 times a day. And this weekend he told me he was mad at daddy for leaving him. Help, how do I handle this. It feels like my son is being punished for our problems.<P>------------------<BR>That which does not kill us, will make us stronger.<BR>* Viki<P>

Viki,<P>I am not an expert (no kids at all) but I am confident your son is not punishing you. I know it feels that way but he is not. He is expressing himself the only way he knows how. He does miss his Daddy! (And you do too.) He can't come here and rant and rave so he goes where he can, to his Mommy who loves him.<P>I don't have any advice, but just the confidence that he is expressing himself and his loss and disappointment the only way he knows how to.<P>Best wishes to you and your son,<P>------------------<BR>RobinAnn<P>*********<P>Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape!

My children are 18 and 22. The 18 year old (17 at the time it all hit the fan) started doing things waaaaaay out of character. Nothing major but he was a real pain. My counselor told me children will act up and do things to be a pain to take the negative focus of the parents away from each other and onto them. Makes sense. Son had to have counseling, but he's come out of it better than I thought he would a year ago. Hang in there and just love him.

What he is doing is "normal" at this stage. He doesn't understand anymore than we do. He has much the same feelings as we do. Anger, resentment, fear, guilt, etc. Be gentle, but firm with him. Let him know it is not his fault. Tell him it is okay to ask you questions or tell you how he is feeling. Don't prod him t otalk though. Just let him know you are there for him at ANY TIME! You have to be a rock for him at this time.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html</A> <BR>

Perhaps when a child is caught between two people he loves and trusts and in this situation he cannot do anything to make a difference to his world so he reacts to his pain in this way...our 2 year old had to go to hospital..she came up in boils and made herself very sick...so she reacted to our breakup in her way...<P>The only advice I could give would be to keep reassuring him that he is loved by you and by his father both...and that he is not to blame for Mommy and Daddy not living together.....that it is not his fault and Mommy wants him to be with her...he needs to know that he is wanted...(kids cannot understand adults behaviour so can make up stories for themselves that have them as the cause for the trouble cos they must have been naughty in some way)<P>It is also important not to cater to him by giving in to his every tantrum and whim...he needs guidance that is firm and caring without being unfair (as he would if you were a family with no breakup involved) he needs guidlines to live by but with love and constant reassurance that he is loved by both you and his Dad...and that he will always have a place with you...<P>Talk to him as you would an adult, give him the respect of being truthful...maybe like saying that Mom and Dad still care for each other but at this time cannot live together...and another....every time you cant have your way Mommy wont let you go running to Daddy so that you will get your own way...Mommy loves you very much and maybe will let you get away with some things but sometimes she cannot let you get away with too much...or she would not be looking after you too well now would she..?<BR>Something in your own words that is simple and sincere would carry depth and meaning...kids are more understanding and intelligent than we sometimes give them credit for...<P>Good luck<P>cossie<P>------------------<BR>To know who you are is to see who I am....<P>

My older daughter was 4.5 when her father left with no warning. And I was pregnant. That was 8 months ago.<P>I went through the same stuff you are going through. It's just heartbreaking. My daughter was behaving like a monster (hitting, kicking, biting at preschool, constant tantrums, whining, clinging to me), and I was afraid it would be permanent! IT WILL GET BETTER!!! As you start to get your emotions and life under control, your son will get better, too. He takes his cues from you. But give yourself a break if you fall apart sometimes -- it can't be helped! Consistency and routines are very, very important. <P>Take advantage of friends and family to take your son from time to time. Not so much that he feels neglected, of course! But kids need to be kids and it will help him to get away from the pain in the household sometimes. <P>Of course, my daughter had the added stress of a new baby in the house. But I'm happy to say that 8 months later she is doing much better. She started kindergarten and has none of the behavior problems she was having in the spring. She loves school and enjoys her friends. She is anxious and has started biting her fingernails. Transitions between Daddy's house and mine are tough. <P>In addition to telling her how much I love her and how we are going to be just fine, lately I've started telling her how happy I am that she has such a great Daddy. Of course, I have to bite my tongue not to say some of the petty thoughts that come to mind. But she knows this is not a joint decision, so I think she needs to hear from me that I support her relationship with her Daddy. <P>For many months, my daughter ate too much junk food and watched too much TV. I just couldn't handle things. Now we have rules again the household and I manage to get a balanced meal on the table most nights. The happier and more stable I am, the better she is. But it will take time and this is very new to you! So relax and realize that your son will be okay in the long run even if you're not all together right now. <P>Handling the "I want Daddy" stuff is difficult. I tell my daughter that she can call him ANYTIME she wants (even the middle of the night). She rarely wants to -- but I think knowing she can is important. I think "I want Daddy" is a way of saying "I'm hurt, scared, and confused".

We have two children, ages 17 & 12 when this all came out and things were "felt" at home. They are now 13 & 18.<P>The oldest, out daughter did most of her acting out pre-discovery, when she thought I didn't know and didn't know how to tell me, if she should tell me, etc,etc,etc. She's doing pretty well now, although I wonder sometimes that her choice in dates is less then great. But we talk, talk talk, and I know she'll get through this fine.<P>The youngest, my son, however, "knows" there are problems, has seen my emotional state go from fine to less then great, but we decided not tell him the reasons for the problems.....just that we're working on it. His behavior has been so irrational, he does things without thinking, his grades fell......and he became VERY protective of me, and is hostile towards husband. I tried to get him to talk, but it's no use. But I've noticed in these last few weeks, with me focusing more on me, he's gotten better behaved (not back to normal yet) and I think that if he see me handling things well, he feels more secure, and everything will work out. Another reason to focus on my self-esteem and less on deparately holding on to this marriage. I'm hoping that we'll all be fine.<P>Just keep being a loving mommy, someone they can count on, and be there for them. All of the recations from children in this circumstances, seem very normal to me. They're world has changed and it's scary. Just be there......in what ever manner they need you to be....