Ok...I was out with friends at a party and for some reason, I have been a basketcase this week. Someone asked me how things are going and I just lost it...had to leave to regain my composure. I was crying uncontrollably the other night, triggering an asthma attack, am sitting here now with tears streaming down my face. It has been 6 months already...why am I havin such a hard time with this?

I guess it is because I never really got a straight story or closure from WH...he basically just left one day with me in complete shock and has ignored me these past 6 months after we have been best friends and lovers for nearly 5 years. How come I am hurting so much and he seemingly has no problems with just brushing me off his shoulder and movin on? It would be one thing if I was some pscyo b*tch or neglected him in our marriage or we weren't compatible BUT none of this is the case. I am not saying I was the perfect wife but I didn't do anything to hurt him or anger him to deserve these actions from him?

I talked to WH's mom last night...she said love is not supposed to hurt and I have never hurt so bad in my life these past 6 months and all of a sudden the pain has elevated again. It doesnt matter that I despise this man that WH has become...I miss the man I married so much and I am not sure I'm going to "get over it" like I want to. Some therapist said it takes 1/2 the length of the relationship to fully recover...well, I don't want to wait 2.5 years to get out of this basketcase state I am in. I am a very level headed positive person normally and now my emotions are all over the map....sick of it. It hurts my work, my body, and the story is just gettin way too old.

So the divorce papers I am supposed to sign when I get back from visiting family for the holiday will trigger a hellish day I am sure. I have a heck of time signing something I don't believe in or want. Why is WH so stubborn? Why can't he show face to tell me what is really going through his head so I can have some closure? He has continuously told lies and cheated this past year and consequently has inflicted so much pain on me and other significant influences in his life.

Sorry for the venting session...am just on a real downer lately despite a lot of other positive in my life. Don't know how to get out of the run...must be the holidays coming up.

-K

Me: 28 yo faithful wife
Him: 31 yo WH
Married: 3.5 years, together 5
His Affair: Started fall 03, exact timeline unknown.
I Plan A'd thru Oct, he signed divorce papers Oct 04, Plan B begins, I sign divorce papers post Thanksgiving <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Divorce takes 6 months to finalize which means on our 4 year wedding anniversary, our story will be over...so sad!

I'm not in any shape to give you advice, but a couple of things come to mind.

Have you seen a doctor? You should, to protect your physical and mental health. You probably should be on antidepressants, as many of us on this site are. For me, they level out my moods, and keep me kind of calm. That's the only effect I have from them, but I would be just like you without them. It helps a lot. Before I took them, I would shake uncontrollably. I don't do that any more.

I don't know (can't tell from reading) if you have read the books by WH. They have helped me to understand some things and keep me going through all this. Also read the articles and things on this web site.

If you have already done those things, please forgive me for making comments that may not be appropriate in your situation.

kjb, I was doing okay for a month or so in midsummer, then for a couple of weeks lapsed back into horrible sadness. For the first time since being on ADs I was going on big crying jags, all that.

Your hurt doesn't go in just the one direction (less, less, less), unfortunately. But it does trend that way.

Don't be in too much of a hurry to be done.

Oh, and that "half the length of the relationship" stuff is hooey.

GC

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Someone asked me how things are going and I just lost it. I was crying uncontrollably the other night, am sitting here now with tears streaming down my face. It has been 6 months already...why am I havin such a hard time with this?

Personally I think we have flashbacks to when our life was good and uncomplicated...like before D-day in our case. We were naive of course and that was ripped away from us. I think we cry for what we have lost in ourselves as much as for having lost our mate.

How come I am hurting so much and he seemingly has no problems with just brushing me off his shoulder and movin on? It would be one thing if I was some pscyo b*tch or neglected him in our marriage or we weren't compatible BUT none of this is the case. I am not saying I was the perfect wife but I didn't do anything to hurt him or anger him to deserve these actions from him?

As I am discovering in my own situation, my W had 6 months or so of knowing she was moving in the direction of an A, whereas I've been in a reactive position. I think that changes things a lot for us. He obviously wrote off your M in his mind at some point so it doesn't bother him nearly as much as it does you. Will he come back???? I guess it's going to depend on how the new relationship plays out.

I talked to WH's mom last night...she said love is not supposed to hurt and I have never hurt so bad in my life these past 6 months and all of a sudden the pain has elevated again.

I think Mom is wrong...dead wrong. There is nothing that can hurt more than love BUT on the other hand there is nothing that can feel better either!

Some therapist said it takes 1/2 the length of the relationship to fully recover...well, I don't want to wait 2.5 years to get out of this basketcase state I am in.

Yikes! I don't want to wait 14 yrs...I'm going to be 51 in a couple of weeks (but still really hot)


So the divorce papers I am supposed to sign when I get back from visiting family for the holiday will trigger a hellish day I am sure. He has continuously told lies and cheated this past year and consequently has inflicted so much pain on me and other significant influences in his life.

When you consider that so much of what makes a relationship good is the trust between people what makes you think he will change into the honourable person you need him to be? (Sorry about the tough questions, btw)

Sorry for the venting session...am just on a real downer lately despite a lot of other positives in my life. Don't know how to get out of the run...must be the holidays coming up.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Vent away...Up until this happened me I didn't believe such anguish was even survivable.
brian

<small>[ November 20, 2004, 11:42 AM: Message edited by: bbrriiaann ]</small>

Thanks guys

Starz...I have read "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" along with non-Harley books and websites to try to understand this mess I find myself in. I pulled all the tricks...plan A, now plan B and nothing seems to get through WH's head. It's like he enjoyed my nice gestures but doesn't really care that it was coming from me(when I was in Plan A). Now that I am in Plan B, I wonder if he even thinks about me, if he ever misses me, if he even enjoyed our marriage together???

GC...thank god that stat is wrong...don't want to have to wait 2.5 years to feel love again. Right now, I just feel completely deflated. I would do anything to return to the holidays I spent with WH these past 5 years and just completely skip over this forthcoming one. This is sad too because I normally LOVE the holiday season.

B...this whole mess is really surreal to me. I am just waiting for someone to slap me and things return back to the way they were but I know that is not possible. Love never hurt before. Well, I have never been in love with another man other than WH. I used to laugh when other people would say marriage was hard work cuz it seemed so easy to me. Having the love in a household, sharing a life with someone was the best feeling in the world and I never once thought of marriage as hard work nor did love ever hurt. Oh have things changed...really hard to fathom how much my life can change over just a year's time. Last year, I was writing a Christmas letter boasting about my WH's work in the San Diego Fire Storm and sharing our plans about starting a family soon. This year, I have nothing to say...for the first time ever, I may just have to sign a card and send it off without sharing any news...how very sad.

I am having a hard time focusing on work right now...my eyes are puffy, my nose sniffly, and body achy...what a day. I go home to Chicago tomorrow and don't want my family to see me like this.

-K

I think we all have days and weeks like that, where the grief just washes over us and we feel like it's never going to end. One of the things I learned was to just -let- it wash over me. When it hit me, I didn't fight it. I would really cry, as hard as I humanly could. Sob and shake and wail and moan and all that stuff. And I would try as hard as I could to stay completely "with" the emotion. Not question it, not wonder why I felt that way, but just FEEL it.

And the thing is, it's like standing in the waves in the ocean. The waves wash over you. If you fight them, you can get hurt and scared. If you float with them and allow them to take you where they will, you come out of it pretty much fine -- though a bit salty. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I've also found that when I'm stressed or tired, or coming down with a cold, it hits me particularly hard. Last Thanksgiving eve I sat in my house and cried for hours. I was coming down with a cold, exhausted, and Thanksgiving had always been "our" holiday, the one we kept for ourselves and didn't go to other family for. It was awful thinking of the meal we weren't going to cook together, the silence where there would have been laughter, the friends who were not coming over.

But you know, I spent last Thanksgiving with my cousins and we had an absolutely marvelous time. It's one of the best Thanksgivings in my memory, and I'm really glad to have replaced that memory with the sadness of what wasn't there.

So -- feel sad. And don't hide from your friends and family while you're sad. And at the same time, allow them to give you comfort, allow them to help you replace the sadness with good memories. Let them feed you a couple of glasses of wine and entirely too much pumpkin pie. Laugh. Remember that there are people who love you. Remember to laugh when something is funny. The wave will pass and you'll be left in a safer, calmer, more serene place afterwards.

Regarding the pain -- I had a session with Steve Harley this week. One of the things he asked me was about some other things in my history. He asked me which of the painful things that have happened to me in the past 15 years hurt the most?

I lost a child in 1990 due to tragic accident. I survived because I had the love and support of my husband.

I had breast cancer in 1997. I survived with the love and support of my husband.

I am trying to survive my H's A - this is ultimately the worst of the three. I no longer have the love and support of my husband. This betrayal is a double whammy. It is by far the most painful thing I will ever endure.

JJ...I really like that analogy with the ocean as I am an oceal gal...can see it from my balcony as I write this message ( : It is true...let these waves of emotions just come out. I have never been one to bottle things up inside...for those who do, it seems to be worse. Kind of wonder how WH kept his emotions bottled up for so long before finally exploding on me?

I do think Thanksgiving will be bittersweet...I have great memories of Thanksgiving at home. Those memories were built upon with WH these past 5 years as I have spent time with his family in Phoenix during Thanksgiving. WH's mom says it is going to be somewhat of a sad holiday since there will be so many people missing, including WH's grandma (who is sick), WH's step sister (who just was dx with breast cancer and is undergoing treatment), WH's step brother (whose wife left cuz she is gay), and me (cuz no invite from WH). It is going to be hard on all but I shall persevere through all turbulence brewing inside me...guess the ocean is angry!

Starz...man, you are a rock solid woman to have conquered all that. That foundation hasn't gone away...you'll get through these hard times just like previous times even if WH is not by your side. I'll be thinkin of ya.

-K

kjb,

Everything you are feeling is completely normal. I'm in a pretty close place to where you are now emotionally. It's been a long time, and my emotions haven't let up either.
I don't know if you mistyped what your MIL said about love, but I've never heard or read anything like that before. Love does hurt. I don't know of anyone who has not been hurt by love ever. It's all part of life.
Maybe she meant something like, "In a perfect world, love is not supposed to hurt."

Regarding the D papers, look, if you don't want to sign them then don't. While you can't stop a divorce, you don't have to help enable one either. You can always refuse to sign and make him file. But that is totally your choice, and do whatever you think is best for you.

Hi KJB23. I have been keeping up with your posts, as well as everyone else's. I haven't posted nor replied in quite a while.

My story started out pretty text book as far as infidelity goes. Now three months later, I am stronger and much more in touch with myself.

I can hear in your words, the same types of emotions that I went through. They probably aren't the exact same, since you are a woman and I'm not, but they sound so descriptively similar.

I feel for you, and I wish you the absolute best. I know at times you feel strong, like life is getting better and then a day or so later you are stuck in a rut again, and can't get out of your own way.

Things will get better... I know others say it, and that it is hard to trust. But they will get better. Wednesday, November 3rd is when things turned the corner for me.

Just have faith in God and yourself. You are one of his children, and he loves you. Have faith that you are exactly where you are meant to be at this time. Trust that you will not be forced to bear more than that which you are capable of handling. There is a lesson that you are being taught... and it may take time to understand that lesson. I am certain that when you do... you will be a much brighter, stronger, and loving person for it.

God bless...

TTsi...thanks, I think in a perfect world, the world I once was living in, love doesn't hurt but now my heart has been exposed to the pain of love and it will take some time to heal. I will never understand how easy WH seems to be handling the split...almost as if he is immune to any showing any emotion. This is hard because I know he has a sensitive side that he once shared with me and now it is like he has this barrier put up...I am guessing he is trying to build his ego after feeling like crap about hurting me???? Just a guess. The thought about not signing the divorce papers was brought up by someone else too. I don't want to draw this out as it is way too painful for me but at the same point, it is hard to fathom signing something I don't believe in...I believe in fixing what you have, making it better, rather than throwing something out to find something new. I think that is the main difference between WH and I. I run races that have a finishline, I confront my fears. WH is running away from issues that he is scared to confront, giving up on a lot of what provided good in his life and unfortunately, there is no finishline in his race. I am afraid he is going to hit the wall and be knocked down unless he changes this direction he is headed. I don't think he wants to try because it is too hard to face the truth of what he did. His bad choices are bound to catch up to him and as someone who cares about WH, I hate to see that. I have a hard time giving up on people but at the same point, I need to start focusing on me because I have put my body thru too much stress and it is starting to affect both my mental and physical health.

ejb-thanks for the words. This is the hardest obstacle that has been thrown towards me in life and I know I have the strength to get through it. I have just been knocked down quite a bit, bruised, cut, shattered and some days, my strength waivers a bit. All it takes is for me to send a nice gesture to someone else and/or talk with my friends/family and then I am able to pick myself back up and put a smile on my face. I know I'll never forget about WH...he is always going to be on my mind...but hopefully the pain he has caused me will subside so I am able to move forward with the next chapter of my life.

-K

k -

You are still early in this. And yes, the tears do stop. If you realize that your WH is behaving just life the script says, it may be easier for you.

It is quite strange how they are all the same. They are in a "infatuation high" and it completely changes them.

So hang in there. I promise things will get better for you.

Thanks Believer...it is quite funny how all the stories, all the lil speeches given by WS's are similar. I was trying to explain this to WH's mom, who has been e-mailing me/calling me a few times a week to see how I am doing. I feel bad cuz she is stuck in the middle so sometimes I wonder if I should be pouring all my emotions to her BUT it helps me cope. She is trying to redirect my energy towards moving on rather than trying to reconcile with her son. She doesn't understand what her son is doing and has told WH's family that she thinks he is crazy for leaving me BUT she also knows that her son is a grown man (31 years old) and she NO longer can make decisions for him. Thus, she can only support me and tell me things she believes will help me cope and in her mind, leaving her son behind is the answer. I feel the same around our common friends...there is definite discomfort level when WH comes to topic..yes, they are disappointed in WH's actions but it is hard for them to really give advice when they care for both of us. I know things will get better...it is just hard right now cuz this will be my first holiday season in 5 years without WH by myside. I am off to Chicago tomorrow and am hoping that I don't lose it on my flight home...has happened previously and I just put sunglasses on to hide my tears. How are you doing?

-K

k -

I'm doing fine. I am in recovery - but by myself. Just know that you will be better soon. You'll be a completed changed person. Hopefully your WH will wake up.

Just out of curiosity....are you in contact at all with WH? Is it him contacting you or you contacting him? I am trying Plan B and just going with the flow of the divorce based on what the mediator is telling me to do...haven't been in contact with WH in a couple weeks and don't plan on contact unless something comes up with insurance or the divorce papers. It is just hard some days since as you know as well as I do, letting go of a best friend and lover is hard to do even with their betrayal of both roles.

-K

k -

I never initiate contact with WH - he calls me, or leaves letters at my house.

We always had a great relationship, before OW. But I have moved on. I can't really even say that he is a friend anymore. Just a person that was once in my life, one who I hope has a nice life, but that is it.

Is he still with OW? Or his convenient ploy to get you back in his life as a result of his relationship with OW blowing up? I am assuming the letters from your WH are similar to my early desperation letters trying to bring WH back into my life...am I correct? It is just messed up...people keep telling me that my WH's relationship with OW will die a natural death and that is when he will show some emotion. The thing about my WH is that he is very closed minded once he justifies a decision in his mind...something he definitely needs to work on. BUT even if his relationship with OW blew up, I am not sure he'd come crawling back to me like your WH is seemingly doing. And I may be in the same shoes as you in a few months just wanting to move on with my life even if he did crawl back to me. Ugh...hate all the confusion!

-K

kjb,

I don't know if it will help you at all, but I'll tell you my feelings on my situation as I'm kind of stuck in a similar place...

From all that my W has done, I have every right to divorce her. There is no person I think, on the planet who could say otherwise.
However, with how I feel about it right now, I will not. I do not believe in divorce, except in cases of abuse and/or drug abuse. Of course, she can divorce. But I don't have to make it easy for her. I'm going to stand up for what I beleive in, even if it kills me. That is a part of who I am, and I will not let more of what I am die because of this situation.

If I filed, would it help me in the short term? Probably. And it is tempting, to get on with my life. But in the long term, I think it would cause me more grief if I did it or just went along with it. I see too many people, (here especially) who went along quietly with the divorce, who now wonder, if things would have been different if they hadn't made it so easy for their WS. Maybe they would have had the same outcome, maybe not.

So for now, I choose the short term pain. My W will have to file and go through all those motions. She won't get me to just sign the papers and be done with it. I won't put up roadblocks, but I also won't give her the expressway either.

Who knows though, my feelings about it may change. They have for others here, but for now that is where I am at...

I think that ALL WS wake up at some point, and realize how they've ruined their own lives. Seems most do it in time to recover their marriages. A few take longer than the rest, and it's too late.