My FWW and me have been in recovery for about 20 months (see sig for dates). After she changed her mind about leaving we went through the 'normal' process of her withdrawal and gradual recovery. This lasted till earlier this year. She then said that I wasn't meeting her most important EN - physical attraction - because of my weight. This has always been an issue for me. I tried but failed to lose weight until August. Then on vacation in Hawaii I realised how much I was missing out on life by being overweight and determined to do something about it.

Since then I have lost 30lbs (prob about 30 to go) and starting going regularly to the gym. The results are beginning to show. The strange thing is the reaction of my W. Instead of being happy things have gone downhill fast. She now says " I no longer lover you" and "I'm worried its too late" and "Maybe I would be better finding someone to be happy with before I'm too old". We haven't had SF for six weeks which was never a problem even during her A. I'm completely confused - it's like her one excuse not to love me is going and she's fighting it like crazy.

The one thing I do know is she is not going to shake me from my goal. I'm doing this for her, us and me and I will make it.

Any ideas what's going on in her head ?

Dear Cherimoya,

I have a few questions for you, if you don't mind.

How do you know Physical Attractiveness is her greatest EN? Did you actually do the EN questionnaire? I'm asking because people don't always realise what their greatest EN are, and their partners often don't know either even if they think they do.

Are you sure there is NC? That the A is really over?

I'm having a hard time swallowing that your W would want to leave you just because you're overweight, especially now you're handling that problem. She might still be in withdrawl and uncertain about her own feelings - in that case, she'll need time and plan A from your part to get over it.

And what about YOUR EN?

If she is truly NC and is acting that way I would give her the walking papers. I am not sure there is anything else one can do. I do admit it is always easy for an outsider to say dump her or him. So in the end you do what you want to do.

Some foks need to lose what they have to realize they had a great thing going--------- there may be no other way.

<small>[ November 20, 2004, 12:06 PM: Message edited by: Stanley568 ]</small>

Hi C,

My initial thought was something like Brown's....

Are you sure there is NC? And if so, are you certain there is not another EA or PA going on?

After further thought, what other things have changed in your M? Although meeting her primary EN (physical attractiveness) might help recovery, it will not "fix" everything . She would be a rather shallow person to not love you based on looks alone.....

That being said, I think that if there is truly NC, and no other A going on, then there must be some other things she is unhappy with.....and is just not being honest about them.

JMVHO

This is important!

Were you overweight when you married?
What kind of physical shape were you in as you courted your W?

Pep

Thanks everyone

To answer your questions

Yes I was overweight when we courted/married although I did get heavier at times. I'm now about 15lbs lighter than when we met.

There were other issues (sociability being the main one) but she says they are fixed and she appreciates the changes in me.

She says she realises she sounds shallow but that is how she feels and maybe "problem is with her"

Our ENs are the opposite to what is perceived as the normal M/F order of importance. My most important are for affection and romance. I'm definately not getting those at the moment. She wants PA, admiration and a social partner. But I guess what seems most important is what you're not getting.

As to the A, there is contact as they still work together. She says purely business relationship and I know to my cost she is capable of switching off her feelings if it suits her. The OMs W threw him out when she found out about the A and then took him back.

She says her big problem is how can she trust me not to regain weight. That I mean it now but will I stick to it. She has a point based on past experience. My answer is the same way I have to trust you not to have another A by having a strong, supportive marriage.

A lof of what she said post A was true. Problem is as I am beginning to sort myself out and regain a zest for life that I haven't felt for years, I'm beginning to wonder if I need such a negative influence in my life.

Hi Cherimoya,

I am having an almost imposible time believing that your wife would be having this much of a problem with your weight. Especially since you have and are continuing to lose weight and stay active physically.

I know everyone is different, but it just doesn't add up. And to say she can't trust you to keep the weight off really blows my mind.

I am an attractive naturally thin person and the man I fell in love with weighed 300 LB's at 6'6" when we met. Yeah, his big fat belly kind of threw me for a loop at first. And I thought his innards must be getting squeesed, but he was fun and active and sexy.

He lost 70 lb's after that to avoid having to go on insulin shots. And to me he looks as sexy as ever, never held his weight against him.

Sex was possible in more positions after he lost that belly and his kidneys breathed easier I am sure ...

Anyway I think there are underlying issues here that she may not even be aware of besides the fluctuation in your weight.

I'm at a loss at what the real issue may be, but if on the odd chance it is that 30 lbs, then I think I feel for you to be with such a woman. Are you a good dad? Are you fun? Are you passionate and good in the sack? Are you a good provider? Do you keep a nice appearance, meaning well shaven, dressed nice, smell good, good teeth, warm smile, easy laugh? This is attractiveness in a male to me. But then again I'm not your wife, so who cares? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks for your input Weaver

To answer your questions

Yes I am a good provider - I make the UK equivalent of $200,000 a year and she works as well so money isn't one of our big issues thankfully.

I like to think I'm a good Dad. She's currently away for 10 days with some girlfriends in Dubai so I'm looking after the kids. We're having a good male time - went to the movies today (saw Incredibles - kids liked it but storyline a bit close to home for me) and had Pizza after (not me of course - I had low carb chicken!)It's the kids more than anything that's keeping me going in all this. When we told them eighteen months ago we were splitting they were devastated - in fact I think the strength of their reaction was one of the factors that changed her mind.

As for passion - we certainly did have it even during the course of her A. She even told me at the point of leaving that sex as in the act wasn't the issue and I was more adventurous than the OM, it was the desire that was the problem.

Dresswise I did let myself go when my weight was up I admit but not now. I must admit I haven't done a lot of laughing with her lately but that is partly her choice. I've also always shown my affection but she's asked me not to lately because it makes her feel guilty she can't respond and she feels under pressure.

The plain fact is she loves me as a person, soulmate and someone to have around but not as a lover. And that seems to have assumed enormous importance in her mind. It's almost like she's having a mid life crisis and wants to feel that rush that comes with all new relationships and is willing to sacrifice everything else to feel it. Sad.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As to the A, there is contact as they still work together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As to the A, there is contact as they still work together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As to the A, there is contact as they still work together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As to the A, there is contact as they still work together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As to the A, there is contact as they still work together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As to the A, there is contact as they still work together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As to the A, there is contact as they still work together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

So, Stanley, what's your point?

[dewt ducks and runs for cover]

I'm kinda with the others here. Something is not adding up. Especially the bit about her not wanting affection from you because it makes her feel guilty.

I do not believe she is being totally honest with you.

dewt

Yeah I think I got the point <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Of course it's a possible (probable ?) that the A has restarted. I asked her directly and she denied it and said this was about us but then she would wouldn't she.

She's certainly acting differently than the first time when she was happy and was having SF with both of us. Now she seems upset and confused. She always calls and lets me know what she is doing and even now she is sending me text messages every few hours telling me what she is doing whilst she is away but all factual and devoid of any emotion.

If she is hving an A again I don't think I've got the energy or inclination to deal with it. Let him have her and as Stanley said let her know what she is going to be missing. Lifestyle will be the big thing - alimony won't even cover her clothing expenditure. The OM will soon find out what it costs to keep her looking so smart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course it's a possible (probable ?) that the A has restarted. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We don't know

But we now there is contact.

She needs to get another job.

No need for walking papers yet, because NC was not done.

Yes, very sad.

Sometimes on here I think that some people just have it too easy, not enough struggles. She is in a home where finances are not an issue (huge issue right now in most average homes), she gets to take off on vacation with her friends with her kids well taken care of by their dad, she has a stable, loving husband, good dad, sex was wonderful, healthy kids. A blessed life.

Do people who have it so good just need to go out and stir up problems so they can experience the growth that comes with devastation?

I would give anything to have what she is running from. And so would most people.

Sad indeed!

Hang in there and stay here, many have survived their spouses midlife crisis, and affairs.

Marriage and your childrens family is too precious to give up on without a fight.

Thanks Weaver - your comments mean a lot to me

Don't get me wrong I'm far from perfect and I take most of the blame for being blind to where our marriage was going. I think the need for excitement is strong when apparently you have everything else going for you. She is very conscious of her own physical appearance and I think she is terrified of getting old, so the thrill of someone new finding her attractive was powerful. Much more powerful than me telling her she looks good. But maybe not so powerful when the flame dims and she finds the OM lacks the qualities she professes to admire in me but finds so dull.

I'll hang in there and carry on sorting myself. That way I figure I'll be prepared for all possible outcomes.

Cherimoya,

OK, you probably don't know me, but, I'm almost at one year of recovery with my fww, just so you have a bit of perspective.

You said something that just yelled out at me. She considers you her friend and soulmate (not to mention you are her husband)...ok, when we hear these words, aren't we normally yelling at the WS? Don't we yell, find out what she is doing, all the time, account for every second?

I know alot of us in these boards tend to jump ship very quickly and accuse of an affair, but, I have yet to see a poster respond on here that their spouse didn't have an affair. How 'bout them apples? Too many gut instincts intune with all the buzz about affairs, for them all to be wrong. I'd start preparing my heart, I'm sorry my friend. It almost sounds like your not sure where to start...and I totally sympathize with that...but, you have an edge!

I'd call the former (?) other man's wife...initiate by apologizing straight up for disturbing her, but wanted to know if she could assist you in some doubts you are having. She may respond in anger or cooperation, either way it doesn't matter...she will now go on the major alert and offensive with her husband. Fantasy time over again! I'm sure it will be a hard call to make, but, you need to do it.

Are you 100% positive about this trip she is on? Unless it was with her mom, I'd have my doubts, considering the current state of things. I would do some investigating, probably start by calling her friends husbands...(hopefully she isn't out with just single women, another HUGE red flag), ask them if their wives are checking in, what time of night they 'say' they are coming home at, things like that. If they are 'her' friends, generally, there husbands will be friends with you, or at minimum, friendly. Don't go overboard, but, you could poke them for some knowledge of what they might know.

The things your wife is saying, they are a fraud. She may be realizing that PA is not actually as high up on her EN's as she thought, but that she wouldn't respond to your efforts with love is ludicrous, and very very very un-feminine/wife-like. I'd guess most of the fww's would agree to that one, and encourage you that their husbands would be getting some top-notch SF, if things are as you present them to be in your walk.

Is she aware of MB? It sounds like she is, and is covering her tracks by sneaking around the MB tactics. At the first daylight of it being true, I think you have go drastic. I don't think she believes you are strong enough to do it (ironic following the success of your diet...shows a great strength ... congrats) and go right away to plan b. Being financially sound, and cutting your income in half are two drastically different worlds...I don't care if you make $30k a year or $1 million, your type of living takes an enormous hit...we all live at our financial accustomed level, and it hurts to cut that in any fashion. Things like 10 day vacations with your hsuband at home watching the children are not quite so easy. Oh, and another big btw, what the hell is up with her going on a 10 day vacation with girlfriends? A night or two maybe, but anything that long is not healthy...if it was with her parents, ok...but, they would want their grandchild there or you also... (you spend time with those you love, not run from them, especially vacation time)

Ok, I'm rambling, but hopefully cutting through the fog some for you. ????

Can you see a bit more clearly now? I'm sorry if you can, but you must move quickly, especially with her gone, you have a lot of liberty right now.

I have to laugh here. My husband and I took our two daughters and two of their friends to see the Incredibles and I was so mad! I cannot even go to a darn kids cartoon movie without being reminded of my nightmare of a life.

BEWARE ALL BETRAYED SPOUSES!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RookKev:

Are you 100% positive about this trip she is on? Unless it was with her mom, I'd have my doubts, considering the current state of things. I would do some investigating, probably start by calling her friends husbands...(hopefully she isn't out with just single women, another HUGE red flag), ask them if their wives are checking in, what time of night they 'say' they are coming home at, things like that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I completely agree with Rook. Something's fishy in Denmark.... or Dubai.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

STANLEY! .... your post cracked me up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You're about as subtle as I am ... ~LOL~

Pep

Yes I am 100% positive about the trip she is on is legit. She is staying with an Aussie friend who used to live near us and three other girlfriends all married. I've seen the emails arranging the trip and one of the friends husbands took them to the airport. I'm positive they don't know about the OM. A friend of one of the girlfriends left her H for a OM last year and she gave her such a hard time that I'm sure my W wouldn't want the same if she could possibly avoid it. I think this friend would tell me if there was anything going on she knew about. She would have a hard time contacting the OM from there as she has my cellphone as hers isn't set up for international use.

As to tactics :

I've considered contacting OMs wife but she reacted so badly to the shock last time that I think I need more proof before doing that. After all even if she is having an A it may not be him again.

A plan B is also an option for the first time I think. Like you've all said a lifestyle change may knock her back into reality. She's got it made - we live in a big house, she drives a Mercedes convertible and spends what she wants. She works hard too but not hard enough to fund all that. But I've also got the kids to consider and the fact I haven't completed my Plan A. Like you said I've got a week to consider my options. At the moment i'm enjoying the fact I can't talk about it with her and doing some other stuff with the kids.

Cherimoya,

Have you ever thought that she is threathen by new you (weight loss) ?. If it is, you need to make her feel secure.

20 months plan A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> . What is your plan A ?

-rh-

Well I really don't count it as 20 months because I only really started addressing the weight issue from the beginning of September so it's more like 2.5 months. That's part of the issue for her. She sees it as I won her back then sat back and didn't do anything about her number 1 need which she had identified. ie if I really cared for the sacrifice she'd made for our marriage (the OM) I wouldn't have waited so long and now maybe its too late. The fact is I was so filled with unresolved anger and resentment I couldn't do it. Why should I was how I felt. It was only in the summer I realised I was punishing myself not her.

I think the thing is that her real number 1 is need is for admiration not just from me but from others and a trophy husband on her arm is part of that. I fit the bill in a being professionally sucessful but not in looks. She's admitted in the past she's been embarassed going out with me. She's a fairly ruthless businesswoman and not at all sentimental. If something doesn't work you cut it is her motto. Maybe she's applying that to me. I'm an old product line that's past its sell by date.