Husband addmitted to several affairs back in Feb. this has gone on for our entire 24 years of marriage. We have been working very hard on our marriage since then, I thought things were going really well. Untill this last weekend. I had planned a trip to las vegas for the two of us. After making the plans I found out that one of my best friends would also be in Vegas. So we made plans to get together. My husband, myself, my friend and her sister. It was going to be such a blast.. I could hardly wait. Now I wished we had never gone.
we went out partying. At this time my husband started making sexual comments to my friend (while sitting at a slot machine he asked her if she wanted to pull his handle.) And he does admit that the sexual intent was there. He also was giving her compliments all evening. ( I have to beg for any compliments) At on point she stated that her leather pants were uncomfortable and needed to go change. My husband states but they look soooooo good. Also while walking around he would have his arm around her. This is not like my husband to put his arm around anyone, even me? ( he holds my hand) He did a few times decide to put his arm around both of us. When we got in a Taxi he made a big deal about getting to sit in the middle. (he hardly knows her), but my husband felt the he should be sitting in the middle??? I feel like I was the third wheel on "their" date. Now my husband states that I was making a big deal out of nothing that he wants to be with me and only me, that he was just being friendly and besides we were in Vegas what did I expect?
So I just am so confused. I really thought we were making progress and I could "start to trust him" so tell me am I being overly senstive?

TAD,

could your freind be the OW of your WH ?.

No, you are not overly sensitive and I you take your WH back w/o ammend & repentant from him. You are not in recovery ... this is one thing that you have to accept and understand first to move foward.

In a normal R ... one should not put his/her partner in any uncomfortable position. He is LB'ng. However you should learn how to tell him w/o Judgment, Anger and Disrespect. Tell him your feeling not what he should or not do.

-rh-

TAD,

Can we back up just a bit? He had several affairs back in February....and it sounds like there was more before that....is that correct? If that's true, then what precautions have you two put in place to safeguard your marriage? Vegas would probably have gone much smoother if those things had already been agreed upon. And just for the record...NO you are not being SILLY!

<small>[ November 20, 2004, 12:41 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>

No, I think she meant to say that in February, he told her of several affairs he had had over their 24 years of marriage.

From what you've described, I would say he isn't really in recovery. His treatment of you was despicable and embarrassing. I would have left him at the roulette table and locked him out of the room.

He needs to learn completely new ways of relating to women in general and learn that saying things like, "pull my handle" are really gross and disgusting to most women. Then again, it got him "some" in the past, so why quit now?

Flirting with other women when you have a history of infidelity is NOT OK. Not ever. He needs some counseling on breaking this habit.

Have you had a frank talk with your friend and her sister to see if they thought his behavior was "cute"? Chances are they didn't and it might be good for him to hear it -- preferably from them.

~ Snow

Tad, Vegas is a fun place but what happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas. This will bother you until you deal with it. A nonjudgemental and tackful way is the only way to be honest(I just very recently learned that). I used to be like you H, and this type of behavior is not acceptable w/o you ther or w/ you there. I allowed my flirting to get me in trouble. He needs to accept that it is an issue for him and stop it. If I have a desire to flirt then I flirt with my W. I also make sure that it is not offensive "pull my handle", is offensive. I think that complimenting another women on her clothing is ok, however in this context it is not! If he wants his needs fulfilled, It appears that you a willing to do that, behavior like this will not help to put you in an emotional state to do that. He needs to be sesative to your needs and then in return you will be more sensative to his. I didn't learn this over night, about a year of MC and personal counseling as well.

I hope that I have helped not made it worse.

thank you all for the response, I don't quit feel so crazy. Starfish, snowbell was right I miss stated - my husbands last PA was 3 years ago, but he did have an EA with a co-worker about a year ago. D-day was in Feb. 04. It was at that time we discussed what was appropriate behavior for a married man. ( I still just am floored that we have to agree on this, shouldn’t it just go without saying that you do not make sexually suggestive comments to the opposite sex?)

Artdawg I agree that a complement to another person is nice and would have no problem with it if – I got compliments from him (never happens unless I specifically ask) or if it had been just a simple they look nice, it but it was the way he said it and the look he gave her. It would be so nice if other women hear him compliment me, but dream on!!

Redhat – no my friend is not one of his OW. And talking about amend and repentant from him is some of the problem- while he has been very remorseful about the previous affairs he keeps saying that this last weekend in Vegas he did nothing wrong. That he was not trying to get her in bed just flirting.


Snowbell- My friend has called me 3 times to apologize for “the way she acted”, while we never got into specific details of what she was apologizing for at lest she realizes that it was wrong, which is more than I can say for my husband.

I am so confused, we were doing so well, he was doing everything right, I was working my tail off to meet all of his EN, I thought that this trip was going to be so romantic and exciting. I was even starting to not think about the affairs all of the time, but this has just crushed me. I am back to thinking about the affairs and feeling like he was making sure she new he was available if she was interested. He says that is not what was happening and that he will not have another affair.

I tell him that he should be making sure that I and everyone around us knows that he is with me and WANTS to be with me. But it feels like he was letting everyone know I'm married but I am looking.

I’m at a point I’m not sure anymore if this can work, If he thinks he did nothing wrong then how can we continue on? Thanks for listening.

TAD,

You have to match his words and his actions. You try to give him the trust and love when he should earn it.

How to continue on ?. You have to "negotiate" from a stronger position. Dr. Phil said that you teach people how to treat you. If you take this treatment ... you have to ask yourself why ? ... what are you afraid of ?. Definitely your H feels secure enough to treat you like this (disrespect). He is a unrepentant FWH. Like you said it yourself, it is a matter of time before he finds someone else to cheat with.

-rh-