Maybe this is normal for here. I've looked over the events of my long marriage and faced the things I've covered up and tried to forget. I'm not sure there's any hope for us. There's long term patterns of hurting. Basically, I feel like I can't let him hurt me any more. Is the only way by just ending it? I'm trying some plan A but I can't focus on it.

Carol,
I'm gonna ask a dreaded question(s) --- Are you on AD's???? --- Are you in IC???? --- Are you in MC???? --- Did you do the questionaire on EN's????

I'm asking these question b/c they all ready do help when you can't sort things out.

The AD's - taking them can help you to put things into perspective and think clearer. They help you to cope with this situation and get through the tough times. (How do I know? I went on AD's when I had a nervous breakdown that had nothing to do with A. And I went back on them when things got too heavy. I am an advocate of better living through chemistry. They help!!!)

The IC - if you can talk to a professional and get some of the "tools" you need to "survive" and eventually "live". Yes, therapy can take it's time. But, a good friend of ours said, "If you put on a 100lbs over time .... it doesn't come off over night ... it may take just as much time". Going to IC may help you to grow and be stronger than you ever thought you could. Yes, I've in therapy for 4 years now. I wouldn't have been able to get throught this without going. In the very beginning I told my therapy and I flat-out asked her "Can I make it through this? Am I strong enough?". She said "yes". I felt like I could take this on and anything else that came my way.

The MC - maybe there ar things that have been happen for years and neither of you has found a way to bring them up (constructiveley) and work them out. A MC can serve as a mediator and counselor. They have seen your "situation" before and can help you navigate through all this. (Yes, we went right after my breakdown. Oh boy, we did not like him - but we both agreed on that and stopped going. We are looking for another right now. I think even a couple of visits could help us - just to understand each other's point of view of our M, each other, ourselves, and even the A).

The Questionaire - do it - find out what your needs are and maybe what hasn't been being met. From you other post "communication" sounds to be one of them. If you can get him to do any of this with you - there could still be hope. (No, we haven't done the questionaire since the A. I actually remember doing it or something like it when we went to do a survey/study for married people with children. We did find out a lot things doing that .... but we were too young to realize how that would've helped us. We realize it now for sure).

Just take care of yourself for now. Be strong and lean on yourself for now. Don't jump to any conclusions one way or the other. Keep posting and asking your questions. This is a good place to get the support you need (but remember the other things I wrote are important too).

God bless and keep you.

Brown

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 07:34 AM: Message edited by: brown ]</small>

Carol,

I think that most BS feel this way in the beginning. I am not totally up on your situation but I know that I felt the same way you do. I was ready to walk away sooo many times. It all depends on you. How do you really feel about your spouse? Could you look back in 10 years and say you weren't sorry that you didn't try harder or try everything? I have a son with my FWH and I figured that in 10 years I wanted to say I tried everything I could to save our marriage to give you a better home. Does that mean that I would stay here and take abuse or let the A continue under my nose? NO! But if I could work the MB principles and have a better marriage then I would try. If you watched Dr. Phil he really stated it all the other day when he said to Ed....something like do you think next year when she has a diaper bag on one shoulder and a baby on the other, wiping noses and changing diapers, and 6 years from now the relationship you are going to have with her is going to be the same as what you have with your wife. Meaning that even if you find someone new and move on you are still going to have problems in any relationship....unless you find someone new and work the his needs/her needs principles right from the start. You and your spouse have a history. You know each other so well really. Infidelity makes you lie, cheat and deceive so they change into someone they don't even like anymore. It is totally up to you but I can tell you that my FWH and I had a terrible M and we had some really rough times. I still despise him for some of the stuff he put me through but I am letting it go slowly.

AD, IC and MC are really important even if you only go yourself. The AD's really help for at least 9 months you need to take them or it is nearly impossible to think with a clear mind. I didn't want to take them, and when I did I could see my goals clearer and I could see what I did wrong in the M also as well as him. No one should have an A ever. There is no reason for it. But you can work through it and get past it. Good Luck and I hope you start to feel better no matter what decision you make.

HINY