I need some advice ASAP. Today I posted Sat with him 10 hours on a bus and I don't think it's going to work. To those who read or posted advice there, please read this with that in mind. I am in IC, not on AD and have only told a few people but no family members.

WH is gone to "work" for the day. I'm quite sure he's with OW. Spent the weekend with her 2 weekends ago when he was suppose to be on an extended business trip. D-Day came from this. My kids are still asleep. Yesterday, with road trip football game, was a long day and they need their rest.

I haven't told the kids. Didn't want to dilute my son's focus before the big game. But I am wondering if this is wrong. They feel all the tension in the air. My daughter especially is upset that her dad is never home to see her. I don't want to go into the infidelity thing with them. Mostly want to say that things are not right with us. That dad isn't available emotionally. That I'm sure he loves them but is in...I don't know, a different place in his head now? I will assure them how much I love them. In their lives, I have always been the main parent and source of strength, discipline and support.

If WH doesn't go with us to Thanksgiving dinner at my brother's, I give it a 40-60 chance, I will give the family the "things haven't been right with WH" speech.

The first night hd doesn't come home is when his folks get the info.

Help! I need to do something today.

I see that your oldest son is 20. When I was 20 my parents went though a seperation, thier marriage was not really the best as far back as I can remember. I wish now that they would have shared with me that they had problems, and that they were trying. I don't even know if they tried MC or not. I went though this until I was 25 yrs old, when they finally D. I wish I would have known that there was a problem, not neccessarally what the problem was, just so that there wasn't the surprize I got. I am 33 and still feel that pain, mostly at the holidays. Talk with you kids let them see that you are going to work thing out. This willeducate them on thier own marriages. Not to give up, your son knows this for football, that is great. Marriage is bigger than that and both sons and your daughter need to see that. I truly believe that I would not be havibg the problems that I am now if I would have known. I am not blaming my parents for my problem just saying that I might have been able to recognize it sooner and been more willing to seek help. This can be a good life lesson for you and you children.

I hope this is helpful, don't give up the good fight.

Carol,

It is WAY too early for you to decide that it is going to work or not work.

Surviving an Affair is much like a rollercoaster... there will be many highs and many lows... somedays you just have to ride out the process.

I highly suggest IC. IC gave me a place to talk, cry and work out my stuff. I also suggest a small group of some kind. I was blessed to find one @ church. It didn't focus on affairs... simply making lifelong changes and uncovering the 'whys' of ones life. ADs? I was on them for a time. It helped me as my emotions began to even out... as I was experiencing some very bad lows.

You are very early in this. I know how hard it is to not focus on your H... but when you can get THERE, you will really be on your way to healing. It took me about six months post d-day to REALLY focus on myself. Eventually my goal became to be healthy married or NOT... and the changes I made in myself really affected our relationship.

It is very similar to the butterfly effect. Small changes you make in you effect EVERYONE around you.

Don't make a decision to end your marriage in haste... or express that it is over. It really is too soon.

Cali

Carol,

I have to second what Cali said.You only found out about the A THIS MONTH.It is WAY too early to be thinking about leaving the marriage.At the very least,the generalized suggestion here is to wait 6 months before making any decisions.I know that may seem like a lifetime but your marriage deserves this time ok?

Many of us who were in the early stages would go endlessly back and forth with "should I stay or should I go".That's to be expected but even though you might be thinking about it,don't DO anything about leaving yet.

Also,the subject of when to tell and what to tell children is a highly contentious one BUT,IMO,your kids are old enough to handle at least SOME of what is going on.As my counselor used to say,"If you think your kids don't know what is going on,your wrong".It's very traumatic to know something is wrong with your parents but it's also difficult when they won't give any answers.If you are not honest with them,they will become snoops,just like I did when my parents had trouble(and later D'd).

When you have some alone time,talk to them about what they already know.Ask them.Then go from there.Don't protect your WH from his actions.It's terrible what he is doing but it'snot your job to protect the kids from the truth.One day this will all come out,it's just a matter of when.

I have told my children,in a very general like way that their father has a "girlfriend" and that it's very wrong when you are already married and I also told them how wrong it was for the OW(homewrecker) to be involved with their daddy.I did not go into gory sickening detail but just enough to know that that is why things were not right with mom and dad.I said more but I won't go into all that.

Point is,your kids are probably more aware than you give them credit for and so now might be the time to have a heart to heart talk.See what they know first.

Also,I don't know your whole story but exposure to everyone(adults) in the family(both sides) is critical to blowing this sordid A wide open.Have you considered this yet?

O

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 02:33 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I just talked to my college age son on the phone. Needed to check a phone number of a friend who had called about him. When he asked how everything was, I started to cry. I told him that things hadn't been right between WH and I since he came back from his trip and probably before. Son said, "F**** but I will always love you both." I told him that it's hard because his dad isn't around a lot and isn't talking. That he isn't a bad person just... "Stupid?" He told me I was the greatest person he's ever known. That I'm his mom. That when he comes home at Xmas, we're going to hang out together. I told him I'm sorry to burden him with this. That it isn't really fair. He said, "It's okay. I love you."

One down. 2 to go.