I don't know where to turn...

Well its been a year since D-week and probably that long since I posted.

I/we have been trying to meet each other's needs and limit love busters -- can't say they are gone altogether but we have been trying hard to replace the behaviours.

However, things aren't improving.. for me.

From what he says (and has been saying through the year) I have been doing a good job of trying to meet his needs (like many men they are fairly simple... plenty of sex, sleep and food (not necessarily in that order) plus a side of new lingerie and paying attention to doing hair and toenails etc.

He has been trying hard (although harder at the beginning and less so now which frightens me) to meet my needs, being 200% more available during work hours, trying to think of small gifts and guestures, taking time to be with me and go out and notice when I dress nice etc.

It feels though like he is struggling to build a tower (improving our marriage) on quicksand.

It seems like there are some fundamentals that just aren't there, the ground under the tower is not strong. Some things we fundamentally differ on. For instance, often when we are stressed he sees me as an adversary, not part of the same team.

He hides behind his forgetfulness which results in being less than completely honest and the biggest and most important for me is that he does not keep his promises, big and small and this makes it impossible for me to feel safe in this relationship. It feels like everything we have worked on is like a card house ready to come down.

Perhaps it seems like I'm expecting him to be perfect... but that really isn't the case. I fail too, I've lost my temper and spoken in anger and I know there have been times he has genuinely wanted to tell me something but has forgotten.

I am really scared. I feel really hopeless.

While I cannot trust him to keep his promises or renegotiate or scrap the agreement, so we can figure something out that will make us both happy it feels like we are stuck in the infidelity aftermath loop. I don't feel safe that he won't (or hasn't) gone back to the OW or some other person the next time temptation rears its ugly head.

It leaves me feeling that I'm somehow not as precious as he tells me. I feel miserable and wrung out.

He is really upset too as he feels like he is bending over backwards to try and do what it takes to make me happy. I think some times he thinks I am ungrateful because I don't notice all that he does.

Hi much2much,

I am sorry you are troubled.It sounds like you and your FWH are a little lost perhaps? Stuck in a rut?

Are you in any counseling now or marriage strategy classes,etc? Do you have any kind of plan going right now?

You know,we have a lot of information for dealing with Infidelity here but I am not so sure about long term maintainence.Maybe you need a marriage/life coach.

Obviously something's going on that needs to be addressed so do consider *professional assistance.

What do you think? How long has it been since NC?

I need to go back to reread all your other posts so I will repost if I have anything to add.

O

Hi again,

I went back and read all your other posts(and was surprised that I had posted to you way back then!)and your "diary".

Don't have much else to add aside from my previous post.If you are both devoted to improving your marriage but are just having a hard time,maybe you just need more in depth direction at this stage.Also,maybe the folks over in recovery have some advice.This may be a time for you both where you hit a wall and need some guidance how to get over it.I am not in recovery so I couldn't help you there.

Much luck to you!

O

I think what you wrote in your post, should be turned into a letter to your H, not to be given to him like any other letter, but read to him by you. Followed with you two talking about his feelings on those topics, and where you both can take steps to work them out.