Seems like I am the only one wanting to try in our marriage. My husband is still in fogland and still in constant contact with OW. He says he knows it MAY work out with us but he doesn't want it to. That he does not want to be married anymore and he does not love me like a husband should.

He moved to his sisters the beginning of OCT saying he wanted time to himself. Acting like he would go NC with OW to clear his head. I knew that wasn't going to happen. He just went there to pursue it more. So now I here nine months pregnant my due date is this week. I have a three year old son with him and also he left my stepson here with me. It doesn't seem like there is any hope left because all I hear the last 4 months is how much he doesn't want to be with me anymore. And he wants to know why I am even trying with someone who doesn't want to be with me. Said if it was him he would have enough self respect to let the person go and move on.

I am not sure what he wants from me. He already left, he does what he wants and answers to nobody. Guess he wants my feelings to die like his. Wants me to file for divorce to make him feel a little better for it. Said he wants to find a way to make everyone happy. Guess that includes OW.

Guess I am just not sure what to do anymore. Yes I am focusing on myself more. I know I can make it without him. But I know it will be hard without him here plus I still do love him very much regardless of what has happened. Just can't understand why he is so willing to throw everything about just because he doesn't feel like trying anymore. And I know our marriage cannot work if only I want it to.

Since he has moved out I have been distancing myself from him. I was addicted to him just like he is to the OW. I have become a lot more stronger. But I do have my moments I just breakdown. I know the things I can work on but it seems like there is no hope at all for my marriage especially if he truly doesn't love me anymore.

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 06:00 PM: Message edited by: ForeverChanging ]</small>

Plan B has been suggested but I am not sure how to do that since my baby is due this week. Of course last night he mentions he doesn't want to be at the baby's birth because he doesn't want to face my mom. I don't know if he was being serious or just throwing crap out there.

I think after the baby is born I can then decide what I need to do. Right now my emotions and hormones are running wild. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

FC,

You are doing right by distancing yourself at this time. Make this time about you and your baby. The worse thing you could do right now is stress about any of this stuff when you are about to give birth. It will make delivery so much harder. You need to relax during this time. You need to take care of yourself. If he decides to let embarrassment over your Mom ruin his being at the baby's birth then he will be sorry eventually. Don't worry about that now. Get rest, eat right, take naps. Get the delivery out of the way and enjoy that baby.

Fogland is a long ways away and it can take a long time for the WS to come back from there. You will hear a lot of fogese so learn to speak it back. I am concerned about the baby though. Please take care of yourself and pray a lot.

HINY

Thanks for your reply.

I have been trying to relax more, I enjoy my nightly bubble bath, playing with my kids and just spending time alone after they go to bed. I guess I just feel like this is a special moment in our marriage and feel sad that he doesn't seem to want any part of it. But like you said he will regret it one day. Even though he says he never regrets anything all he can do is make up for it somehow.

Yes the fog is deep with him. I don't see it lifting anytime soon. My problem is that I get baited into conversations with him. He hurts me by what he says then I try to argue his feelings or educate him. And of course that is what he wants so he can justify what he is doing even more. I just need to shutup or babble back.

I continue to pray each day for God to guide me down the right path. For him to open up my husband and OW's eyes to see what they are doing. Also that if my husband doesn't feel that love for me anymore I know that God can put that back in his heart. But I also realize that maybe God has a different plan for me. I just don't want to hold on to to much hope just to have it squashed later. I am still expecting the worst but I do hope for the best.

My SIL keeps telling me not to stress, cry or think about him. But I'm not sure how to do that when I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

hi there,

i'm fairly new to MB, so i won't even attempt to give you advice on your WH. there are lots of much more experienced people here that will help with that. but i do want to reiterate the advice that you do your best to just take care of you and the baby right now. it's funny in a way, b/c your situation mirrors mine almost exactly - the one big difference is we have no human children, just dogs. but, i hear that same fogtalk that you do, trying to rationalize everything while also trying to make it seem like he is looking out for me as well. i don't know the best way to handle it, but i do know that at least by taking care of myself, i am able to handle everything better. i know it can help you as well. something else that helps me is to continue to talk the situations out that trouble me. i am lucky to have a few close friends that don't mind hearing things over and over as i try to process some of the stuff and get it out of my head. so, surround yourself w/ those that love you and let them know that you are doing your best to work through your issues, but you and the baby really need their support now. and you are right - you can make it w/out him. always remember that, and know that God does have a plan for you, even if you don't know for sure what it is. and finally, i saw this quote somewhere on the site, and have adopted it for my own. i have it posted in the house and it helps to re-read once in awhile. find things that are humorous, or empowering, and post them around you. these reminders can be helpful when you have to deal w/ the stupid stuff.

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer."
-Albert Camus

take good care of yourself!

Thank you everyone for your support. I am trying to just focus on taking care of myself. Deep in my heart I do not believe he will actually file for divorce. But maybe that is just my own denial.

This weekend has been terrible for me. I have had many triggers and many times I just sat down and cried my eyes out. I just don't understand how he can continue to do this. How can someone change so much?

I still am doing really good with my pregnancy. No real contractions yet. Tomorrow is my doc appointment hopefully they discuss inducing if nothing happens soon. I just feel emotionally drained right now. I guess after hearing him say he doesn't want to be at the delivery really made me realize how much he truly cares about his kids and me right now.

In my opinion, it would be great if your WH could be there for the birth of your baby. Any chance that the delivery will be induced?

That was a biggy for the FOW in my case. Me being the mother of my H's children was the one thing she thought she could not compete with. In the end there, she was pressuring him to have a child with her.

My FWH was present for the birth of our children and they were really meaningful, unforgettable experiences for him.

I think this would be a great strategy in your PLAN A.

Just a thought.....

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 11:32 AM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

If your H feels that conflict avoiding is more important than being there for you and the baby, then maybe he doesn't deserve to be there for the birth. Once that happens, it can never be erased. Let him know that and if he wants to make an azz out of himself, then you have to let him.

You make sure you have a supportive group around you for you and the baby, not just the baby. That is what is important.

The WS' needs are not important in these cases. In fact they are not as important as many BS thinks they s/b.

JMHO,
L.

I'm sorry I disagree.

I think the father needs to be invited and included regardless of what he is doing. Being a parent and being a husband are two different things.

The child's need to have this opportunity for bonding with his father should not be limited because it is felt to be UNDESERVED.

This might be an important lesson for this guy.

Of course, give his current state of mind, he might not choose to be involved. However, this is his child!!!

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 01:21 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

Being a parent and a husband are 2 different things but at this time, it is 1 thing. That baby is still a part of FC. The emotional state of the FC is more important than lessening the feelings of guilt of a WS.

The baby will come whether the WS is there or not. The welfare of the mother is highly important to both the baby and the child.

Now unless FC does not want or need her mother there for support, than maybe settling for someone less than a parent is ok.

FC needs to decide what is best for her and her baby.

FC, as you can see our opinions here can vary greatly. You do what you need for your own situation and we will support it as best as we can. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


L.

Being a parent and a husband are 2 different things but at this time, it is 1 thing. That baby is still a part of FC. The emotional state of the FC is more important than lessening the feelings of guilt of a WS.

The baby will come whether the WS is there or not. The welfare of the mother is highly important to both the baby and the child.

Now unless FC does not want or need her mother there for support, than maybe settling for someone less than a parent is ok.

FC needs to decide what is best for her and her baby.

FC, as you can see our opinions here can vary greatly. You do what you need for your own situation and we will support it as best as we can. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


L.

OOPS!

I didn't know that he stated that he does not want to be present at the childbirth. That's a different whole story..

I wasn't saying that he needed to be there to relieve his guilt, etc.

I think it would be best for all involved...for him to be there..if only as a bystander... would help his future relationship with the child...in terms of bonding.

However, it's true, unfortunately, that a WH is only looking out for the best interest of himself.

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 01:55 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>

The last few months I have been wondering if I want him with me in the delivery room. Because I don't think I can handle him going out to call OW while I am there having his baby. I don't know if he would do this but those were the thoughts that made me wonder I did want him there or not.

Last week I decided that yes I did want him there. That even though he has hurt me I don't want to use the baby to punish him in some way. I want him there because I do think it will be a good thing to bond with the baby. And who knows maybe it will crack the fog a little. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> But I doubt that.

After hearing him tell me he doesn't want to be there. I guess that really hurt me. He feels that it's the best for everyone. Said he doesn't want to face my mom. Even though my mom will not say anything to him regarding the situation because she knows I don't want her to.

My mom said she won't go if he doesn't want her to be there. But I want her to be there. He tried calling me a few times today but I just didn't want to pick up because I am so emotional right now. I finally called him back. I think he was afraid I went into labor without telling him. He asked if I was ok. I said fine. Then he said if it means that much to you I will be there. I said it did but I also said I thought it meant something to him. He said in a soft voice that it does. So I guess that made me feel a little better.

I think he says these things to hurt me and push me away. Also I found out from his sister this morning that he hasn't been getting along with her to well. Seems he has been angry with her and she is upset with him. She said he is not a happy camper at her house. He pretty much stays in his room all the time. But he choose to go there. But I also think this makes him take it out on me and lash out at me. Because he feels I am causing his unhappiness. But one day he will realize his unhappiness comes from his own actions.

OT - When you go to the doctor tomorrow ask them about inducing you. My due date isn't for another 3 weeks but my doctor has stated that he would discuss inducing me in another week if I was interested. Obviously, he would make sure it was safe for the baby, but it couldn't hurt to have the conversation. Plus isn't your due date this week? Baby girl should be already to go! Also, you might want to ask him if he will let you drink clear liquids (cranberry or apple juice, broth, lollypops) during labor. If you are in labor for a long time, you don't want to have to deal with hunger pains on top of that.

I am going to ask about inducing for sure. I think if nothing happens by this week they should. I just feel so ready to get this over with. I went shopping today did a lot of walking and I am feeling a lot of pressure but no contractions really.

My mom is coming down tomorrow evening to spend the night with me. Then on Wed night I am taking the kids up to her house and spending the night. Then if no baby we will enjoy a day with my family. I guess I am sad because this will be my first Thanksgiving in 7 years without him there. He has always enjoyed being there and playing games and watching football with my family. And having a huge dinner that my mom cooks. If he doesn't come I know that he won't be able to forget about us during the day and miss being there. Course he would probably argue differently.

How are you feeling today Kloe?

In reading your last post, I would ask both him and your mother to be there. I think it will be fine. Do you?

I know my mom wants to be there. He seems to be ok with it now if he can put his own guilt/shame aside for one day. But I cannot force him. When I go into labor I will call him but he will have to decide what he wants to do.

Physically I'm doing alright today. I was actually able to get some sleep last night, first time in a while I wasn't up at least once an hour. Emotionally, that's a whole other story (check out my thread). I still don't know what to do and WH seems content to just ignore all our problems and continue living life day to day without much thought for the future. Don't know how much longer I can go on like this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ForeverChanging:
<strong> I know my mom wants to be there. He seems to be ok with it now if he can put his own guilt/shame aside for one day. But I cannot force him. When I go into labor I will call him but he will have to decide what he wants to do. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 02:59 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>