My husband had a 2 month fling with a woman from work about a year ago. He confessed and has been working like crazy with me to make it work. Totally willing to do anything I want or need and I am completely in love with him....one thing though.

This OW was married to some nut, that apparently spent some time in prison or some darn thing. I keep waiting for OW's hubby to find out somehow. She completely denies that anything ever happened between she and my h.

I contacted her by email at work once, very civil, just really wanting to see what she was like, maybe get her take on what happened. She lied to my face/computer screen and totally denied it and even became a little 'haughty' that I would accuse her of something like that.

So, bottom line, I want to protect my husband from as much hurt and pain as is possible as he does for me, so I have never told anyone (except our counselor) about this. But, I keep waiting for the shoe to drop. I wonder if I should just tell her crazy husband and get it over with. Maybe I could do it sometime when the kids are at Grandma's or something. My main concern is him showing up on our doorstep some night drunk from a bar and me not being able to protect my babies from any ugliness that may ensue. If I give him the info, at least I will have some control of the timing and a heads up.

Hubby says he will willingly take the beating her deserves for what he did to his wife, and honestly, I will let him take it, but I do worry about my little girls and what they will think of their father if they ever found out. Also, he doesn't want her children to suffer because of what he did, so he would rather OW's husband didn't find out.

That is so hard! It is bad enough to have your entire life ripped out from under you and to go through BY FAR the most painful and humiliating thing I have ever endured, but I don't even control all the info, she could wreck my life at any time.....or I could wreck hers. Is this just my nutty excuse to harbor revenge fantasies?

You know how many times we hear around here the OP's spouse is some "violent nut?" It is almost a CLASSIC symptom of adultery. I can't begin to count the times I have heard this story over the years. It is almost always a lie.

You have to consider the source of this story, the deceitful, lying OW.

This fish story is designed to do 2 things: a) rationalize an illicit affair, ie: I am so mistreated at home that I am justified getting a little loving on the side and b) stop anyone from alerting the her husband.

So far, we haven't seen a situation where the "violent spouse" was really "violent" as it always turned out to be FISH STORY.

Ask yourself this, if he was so "violent" what is she still doing with him? And how will screwing married men at work resolve her marital problems? If she was that worried about his "violence" would she be doing that?

And I hope they are not still working together, because if they are, you have bigger problems than this one.

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 12:14 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

becca, I would also venture to guess that she has done this before and will likely do it again. By telling her H, you could protect some other woman from going through what you have endured. Obviously there is a problem in their marriage, but that problem can't be addressed if her H never knows the truth. He also needs to know the truth so he can protect himself and his children from her.

I'll bet that I am going to make you laugh now when I tell you that she (OW) had told him (WH) about several instances when HER husband had cheated on her...including her birthday. I think, like you, it is probably a bunch of talk, and honestly, don't really care about the violence part, I care about some guy telling my daughters that their dad betrayed us all.

But, you really think I should tell him? What if my husband doesn't think I should? What should I do/say? Letter? Call? Even if he isn't a psychotic raving lunatic, do you think I need to worry about him showing up here. I drove past their house several times (and it is an hour away!) I haven't said anything up to this point, because MC said that I could deal with that in the future, but to work on M right now. Which I have done for nearly a year, but I am still bugged that she sleeps okay every night, while I rarely do. Even still.

Also, my husband continued to work with her during the months following their breakup (she stopped it through an email at work and never said more than 'hi' to him after that. I insisted that out of respect for me, and until we could do something else, that even the 'hi' stop, which he completely agreed to.

Anyway, he was forced by her to not have any personal contact at work and he was actually relieved. The double life was killing him. He began counseling and actively ended any kind of emotional affiar. He said that after a few months, every time he looked her way at work (they were in the same dept)he would feel physically ill because of what had happened. I think his situation was a little different than some maybe, because both people wanted it over even before any of us spouses found out.

Then the company did layoffs and we rec'd a very healthy severance while he found new employment. Maybe I am naive, but it worked out okay and he is gone now. So is she, btw.

Forgot! Melody, I wanted to say how much I appreciate your frankness. That is exactly what I am looking for on this board. Can't trust my own judgement right now.....

Becca, I would tell him. I would call him up instead of sending a letter that is likely to be retreived by the OW. And I would suggest telling your H afterwards, not before. I realize that you are well into recovery but it is too tempting for WS to call and forewarn an OP. If the OP is forewarned, then she has a chance to spin the story in a way that has you starring as the town nut. [ie: a coworkers wife is a jealous kook who has imagined some affair.....]

Exposure is used to END affairs. Since this affair is over, I would tread lightly...and make sure that the stories about this possibly violent husband are untrue before proceeding. Remember, he may not just go after her...he may go after your husband as well....very jealous and violent men quite frequently go after the affair partner rather than their spouse. It's something to consider.

I would disagree that the only purpose of exposure is ending affairs. That is certainly true when it comes to friends and family, but there is a moral obligation to warn a betrayed spouse regardless of whether the affair is ended or not. The BS still needs to know.

Melody, I also believe the other spouse has a right to know (for sure!)...but I believe in safety too....especially if we are talking about an ex-con. I'm considering beccas safety, her H's safety...and there are certainly sometimes where the risk, especially in a situation where the affair has already ended...where it must be weighed carefully. One size does not fit all...even when we talk about exposure. The time to use exposure is during an ongoing affair...afterwards, the return goes WAY down and risk goes up...and with a possibly violent outcome...the risk goes WAY up. So I'm not saying DON'T expose...I'm saying get information, weigh the risk, and also recognize that while exposure during Plan A is easily justified...after the affair it only appears vengeful and destructive. Those are all realities worth considering....as opposed to only considering the other BSs need to know. We have guidelines that we follow....but just as SH tailors them to meet the needs of the folks he counsels...situations will arise on this board that require some caution and adjustment. I believe this is one of them IMO.

Gotcha, starfish, and I agree that she should be careful.

Okay, I think I will 'tread lightly' and at least find out some more info about him before I proceed any further. Maybe a criminal history or something? That could be interesting, my mom works with the police, she would find out I was checking up on some guy and probably start putting things together, which was something that my H didn't exactly want. But, I agree, before I move any further, I will do some checking. There isn't really any time pressure on me since the a is over.

But, if we assume the he is fairly clean, I agree that he has a right to know. I also, think, that if I were him, I would want to know. I don't think their marriage has a chance if he doesn't know (although, it certainly seems that she took a lot of NC steps on her own) My hubby said that she made sure she was never near him and didn't even speak civily toward him after she ended. She is TOTALLY pretending it didn't happen.

So, assuming I find out nothing about him, do I really just call him up out of the blue one day and rock his whole world like this? How is he going to react to me from you guys' point of view. Also, will I afford some protection to my H and family if I am the one that tells him and if a caring and respectful manner? I know how I handled this news and it wasn't great, but I have no idea how a guy would take it......

Or let's say that I decide I am afraid of the whole thing...that I don't like confrontation and that there isn't really any responsibility on my shoulders to disclose her sins regarding their marriage. Any thoughts on the devil's advocate point of view?

Okay, I think I will 'tread lightly' and at least find out some more info about him before I proceed any further. Maybe a criminal history or something? That could be interesting, my mom works with the police, she would find out I was checking up on some guy and probably start putting things together, which was something that my H didn't exactly want. But, I agree, before I move any further, I will do some checking. There isn't really any time pressure on me since the a is over.

But, if we assume the he is fairly clean, I agree that he has a right to know. I also, think, that if I were him, I would want to know. I don't think their marriage has a chance if he doesn't know (although, it certainly seems that she took a lot of NC steps on her own) My hubby said that she made sure she was never near him and didn't even speak civily toward him after she ended. She is TOTALLY pretending it didn't happen.

So, assuming I find out nothing about him, do I really just call him up out of the blue one day and rock his whole world like this? How is he going to react to me from you guys' point of view. Also, will I afford some protection to my H and family if I am the one that tells him and if a caring and respectful manner? I know how I handled this news and it wasn't great, but I have no idea how a guy would take it......

Or let's say that I decide I am afraid of the whole thing...that I don't like confrontation and that there isn't really any responsibility on my shoulders to disclose her sins regarding their marriage. Any thoughts on the devil's advocate point of view?

becca,

If the guy is just a normal guy, I'm with Melody...I think you have an obligation to tell the other BS. Since the affair is over, that's as far as exposure ever needs to go unless it resumes. But the affair has already "rocked" his world...he just doesn't understand what happened...because he lacks sufficient information. So proceed carefully, and with your mom being able to check out arrests, or domestic abuse calls...that should be very helpful. Good Luck....hope some guys answer.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and...

I am here to remind you that both you and your H need to be checked for STDs...

public service announcement #3

Pep

There are ways to check and see if he's been in prison - use the internet! But my H asked me not to contact OW bc "she would go backward."

Ask other WSs- they all lie - they can't help it.

You owe it to yourself to check it all out!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by GivvinTime:
There are ways to check and see if he's been in prison - use the internet! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">exactly how does one do this?

Pep