Here I am 1 year and two months into recovery. I live in the same community as OW. I go to a meeting last night and find that OW has been telling people about her affair with my husband, and told this person one month after FWH chose to stay with me. This person has a very big mouth. My problem is that my reputation and my husband's is very important to me. OW told this woman everything and was very upset that my FWH chose me over her. This has made lots of triggers this morning and now I am wondering just who all does know?? Worse, what will people think of me or my FWH?? I know I should not care, and normally I don't. It really just makes me want to up in move, yet I know that running away does not solve the problems. My FWH told some details to OW about me that I do not wish to be expressed all over town, some true, and well you know how the W spouse lives in a fog and rewrites history! My children do not know about any of this.

I guess I am just venting and expressing how low I feel this morning to all you wonderful people who understand. This woman asked me last night "Well I want to know why it happend, and that ow was very messed up for a very long time afterward." I tried to explain that when you live like roommates and forget about eachother that anyone can fall in an affair. The affair was the best thing to happen because it woke us up to eachother.

When explaining why you stayed in the marriage or why your husband cheated, I feel like until you have walked in our shoes as a WS or BS, you just do not understand.

I feel like there is this dark cloud or something over us all the time now. We are now low lifes because my husband cheated so we no longer a part of the normal society.

Anyone else feel this way? I just want to run and hide.

{{{t456}}},

I am sorry you feel down.YOU AND FWH ARE NOT LOW LIFES!But it's obvious to me,the OW is up to her old tricks.She's not happy unless she is trying to destroy someone or something.She probably still harbors a lot of ill will against you and your FWH because he did in fact choose you over her and well,she doesn't have anything better to do with her time now than hurt more people.

If anything t456,YOU and your FWH should hold your heads high.You both chose to move beyond your FWHS's mistake and try to rebuild your marriage for own benefit and most definitely your children.In my opinion the OW looks very pathetic spreading all this news around and for what gain? Her selfish own.

By the way,who was the "woman" that wanted to know what happened? Does she even have the right to ask such a thing? Was she just a Church member or what? You don't owe anyone an explanation but if you do give one,it's your choice what to say.Who cares if the OW was "messed up" afterward(read: poor me victimhood). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I mean c'mon.This OW knew your WH was married.She went in with eyes wide open but didn't succeed in dismantling the marriage and family.Sour grapes,that's all.

It is true that unless you have been through Infidelity yourself,you cannot possibly understand what it is really like.So brief explanations are best to these people.

You and your H should hug each other and show the town just how good things are going for you.Give them something(good) to talk about.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 06:57 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

You know what? You have nothing to be ashamed of! The OW DOES. You have done nothing wrong and your H has done the right thing and come clean and made amends to his wife. What do you think other people think of an OW who spreads such a story?

As a woman, I can tell you that I would feel nothing but disgust for her and would feel compassion for you. Most women will have that reaction. She is wrecking her own reputation and deserves every bit of it!

This woman is not a close friend, but she is on the same fire dept as I am. I did ask her why OW told her all about it, and her answer was "I don't know". My reaction would be like yours, she is just up to her old tricks, and I guess I will always have to be on guard. This OW's children are also in our same 4-H group. I could change groups, but OW lives 16 minutes away, where I live 1 1/2 minutes from town. My Children were in 4-H years before hers were. I refuse to run away! (When I say same community, 4 little towns share the same school, and she does live in a different town, but we all share the same churches/schools).

Both of you are right, and taink you for the quick upbeat message. I needed that!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!! I really wanted to say "I was messed up for a long time afterward too", but I didn't. The only thing I did say that was personal was that the OW came into our lives, pretended to be my friend, I invited her into my home while she was having sex with my husband!! The she has the nerve to be upset because she was so "messed up" for a long time afterward. If only this woman knew how OW sent me an "I am sorry letter", then tried to blackmale my FWH about them to his work. (My FWH work is in the church). OW tried to get me fired at work, tried to get my boss fired, and on and on.

Thank you again for the different perspective on things! I sure needed that!!

t456,

I'm coming out of lurkdom to say I know exactly how you feel, albeit coming from a different angle as I'm (sadly) a FWW. In my case it was my best friend who spread "gossip". Like you I wanted to run away or hide as our English community is small.

Then someone said to me recently "you and your husband probably have a better marriage and understanding than a lot of the people standing at the school gate". That meant an awful lot to me and helped me look at our situation with new eyes. My need for approval from the community gradually vanished...it's their issue not mine.

Some people have made comments to myself and my husband that beggar belief. This is none of their business, what matters is what we are doing now....and seeing us with our heads held high, holding hands, laughing together quickly stamp out the whispers or at least make them question what they've been told in their gossip session.

It takes a little while for that dark cloud to go but you have nothing to be ashamed about. Saving and building a marriage from the ground up is no mean feat and you should be proud!

I figure that gossips will have their come-uppance as it must surely come back to bite them on the bum!