Hi MBers....

This past weekend has proved interesting. Sorry, this is long.

WH is off work on Fridays, as am I. He went out for a run, and took his work cell with him. He has to be available for his crew when he is not there.

He came back, and was on his phone with someone on his crew.

We were supposed to go to a concert on Saturday night. WH was taking me out to town on Friday to get a dress for the occasion.

We were on our way, and he started talking about maybe getting a sky diving instructor to take him for a "jump" on Saturday morning.

I said "Don't go and break your leg before we go to the concert."

WH: "We're not going to the concert."

Me: "Why not?"

WH: "I heard that OW bought tickets to the same concert, and I don't want to run into her there...do you? You can take the tickets and go with a friend if you want."

Me: "How did you "hear" that?"

WH: "I just heard."

Me: (stupidly)"I wanted to go with you." I suspected that he did not have the tickets, that OW probably did, and perhaps he was trying to get me to start a fight, so he could go with her.

Well, we had to make a stop on the way to town, and he left his work cell in the car. I took the opportunity to look at his cell log and timer. The timer showed 6 calls. The log showed only 4 calls. So, 2 calls were erased. He probably called OW at the office. I said nothing.

We went to town, and he ended up buying me $200 worth of clothes (with my total enjoyment, I'm sure he was feeling guilty).

I had no proof of the tickets (he got them online, to be picked up at the "Will call" booth).

Well, I later told him that we could give the tickets to WH's nephew and girlfriend. He said you can't do that - you have to have ID to pick tickets up there. He said, $150.00 tickets down the drain.

On Sunday, I had the opportunity to talk with his friend in the law enforcement that WH works for as a reserve deputy. Told him about the gun incidents. He said that behavior was inappropriate, and I should report it. He is going to talk to WH about it when he gets the chance.

This is where I'm at right now. Also, I DID find the e-mail where WH purchased the tickets for the concert, so that part was true. Why didn't he show it to me? He just doesn't GET any of this.

I'm getting a cold, so not feeling too well. Aside from that, this is where I am right now.

When I question WH about anything, or confront him, it always turns into a fight. I also would like to find out about an address on a reciept that I found in WH's car this weekend. He ordered cigars, and had them shipped and billed to this address (I wasn't talking to him at the time. He still had his apt. in town. This was NOT his apt. address)

All sounds so stupid.

K

Also, WH has not done anything that he talked to SH about doing.

I feel this is all stalled. Don't know which way to turn in this.

I'm really getting to HATE confronting WH with any info that I have. But, I guess, I'm going to have to.

K

Okay, (talking to myself), so I'm stupid or something.

I don't want to play games. I'm hoping WH will come out of his fog. Everything I've tried so far hasn't really worked, as far as I can see.

I really don't have any idea where he goes or what he does with his day. He is not forthcoming with any information about this.

He NEVER tells me anything. Is he just hoping that I will quit asking questions, confronting him, and let this all go away?

Or is he still cake eating?

I have an appointment with SH on Wednesday.

Hope he can tell me what to do.

K

It seems pretty obvious that your H is still a WS.
He is still lying to you.

He seems like he wants to continue to lead a double life without you saying a word about it. If you are ok living like that and playing games with him...that is your choice.

It seems like you are living your life walking on eggshells around him.

He doesn't sound committed to real recovery and a better marriage with you at this point.

He doesn't get it and he doesn't sound like he is in his right mind. Is this at all the man you thought your were married too? Maybe he is trying to save face..for his kids by living this charade with you. By your description it sounds so unreal.

Take his friend's advice and report the gun incident.

I think you could benefit from removing yourself from his disfunctional behavior which you seem to be enabling. Until he really wakes up he is lost to you. JMHO

K

You should have filed the report..not talked to his buddy about it.

Yet another lost opportunity to bring real resolve <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Now he has the opportunity to discredit you before you act.

Aren't you tired of this song yet?

Noodle

Sounds like "cake eating" to me! I would step it up a notch. You have to think of you now. Your WH needs to know that you mean business. If he wants to save his marriage he needs to know that you are serious about NC with this OW. If you just keep allowing him to lie like he is with no consequenses he will continue the double life.
I wish you the best of luck!

K, I just don't know what to say. I truly care about you and feel you deserve more than this. However, You are the only one that can put an end to this situation. Your H isn't going to do it.CV

No, WH cannot discredit me with any of this stuff.

By telling our friend about the gun situation, I did in essence, report it. He said he will talk to the higher ups about it.

I see that I am enabling his behavior right now. I almost feel that I must physically throw him out in order to get him out now.

When we had our last "discussion" WH said "maybe I shouldn't have moved back home." I said, "I shouldn't have LET you come back. You haven't done anything you said you would so far."

I don't want to play games. But I guess Dr. Phil is right. I'm not waiting for him to make a decision that affects my life. I will do that for myself.

I will talk to SH on Wednesday and see what he says. I have been following his advice as best I can.

WH still hasn't done anything he agreed to do when he talked to SH. He's made no effort at all.

K

<small>[ November 22, 2004, 02:24 PM: Message edited by: k72172 ]</small>

Then your WH isn't taking it seriously enough. He is doing as little as possible to keep you guessing and at bay. Saying that he'd do things then not backing it up with actions and commitment. He really doesn't get it and I don't think he will until you get tough. Love Must Be Tough....stuff.

Be the sane one. Try an look on his behavior as though he is not in his right mind...still an alien...you can still have calm, empathy, loving firmness. Be the adult. You can do it.

Are you doing Thanksgiving at your home? As the holiday's approach you may need a plan. I hope SH will give you the guidance you seek.

Yes, Thanksgiving is at my house.

I do need a plan for this. The only thing I can think of to do is to set WH down, and tell him what I know, and how I see things.

Then tell him to either $hit or get off the pot.

But, I'll talk to SH first.

K