I guess I'm just never going to understand how to communicate with my H. I regret, and have regreted for a long time, every time I open my damn mouth. I've gone out of my way for 6 months to try and learn everything I can about communication, how to be more effective, loving, understanding, patient...doesn't help.
I get the same reaction now from my H, that I did 6 months ago, 2 years ago, 5 years ago. He shuts down or will make comments back tracking stuff he has done.
For example...since he got home from his lil'trip to AZ to see OW, he has been more open emotionally and physically...but the minute he got home, he started researching and focusing on buying a new $3200 Alienware computer. That's fine, I'm cool with that. One comment he made that I should look at positive to this, is he wouldn't be buying it if he didn't want to work on our marriage (money investment $$) He got home Saturday night 11-13 and he finally purchased it on 11-19-04 after reserarching it, getting comments from his gaming buddies, etc...
So glad one of his first priorities when he decided to work on our marriage was to get a bigger and better computer. I've always been 2nd to that damn thing.
Well today on the way home, it came up...about Christmas and only two paychecks left, etc...and we have two young kids...no money. He made a comment about at least we will all be together.
(Like I'm suppose to be thankful that our family isn't broken) So I made a comment that he got his Christmas present. A $3200 computer. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but...it's true. So for the 2nd time he said, I'm just going to cancel the order. How does that help the fact that we still don't have any money to make Christmas special for the kids? Heck, just think what we could have bought the kids with all the gas money and hotel money he spent going and see the OW 17 hours away?!!!!!!!!!!!!
Then he is going on a hunting trip (for real this time) with his brother. He had mentioned wanting to go before he went on his little road trip, so knowing he obviously wants time apart or away from me, I want to make him happy, so I make sure he gets to go on this hunting trip. I arrange for the kids to be watched while I'm at work on Friday and again I'll be home with the kids and he gets his alone time. But it's gonna cost $100.00 to go.

He is just still in a "me..." frame of mind that it hurts. Everything bad he said while being in the fog for 14 weeks hurt, it still hurts. I hear it day in and day out. Him telling me that he didn't want to do the grocery shopping with me tomorrow hurt...it was a trigger from the past.

I can't talk to him. I've changed so much for him and he throws right back at me that he can't talk to me.

He told me just tonight that it makes him uncomfortable still that he has "to go out of his way to touch me"...so I calmly said, "than stop. I don't want you doing anything that makes you uncomfortable. I also don't want you to have to go out of your way to do it. Matter of fact, now I'm going to be wondering if your "going out of your way" every time you touch me." I had no idea he still was struggling with that.
He said "see, I can't talk to you."

Becasue I have a reaction or comment to what he says or does...he can't talk to me. If I were to remain quiet and have no reaction or opinion what so ever, I guess that would make him happy? I've tried that to.

Computer purchase was first...he put off our counseling until December. Is it just me, or do we have some priorities mixed up?

This is really just me venting...I don't know that anyone can help or not...<sigh> With everything going on at work, me being so hurt from the past 4 months...I don't feel special. I need to feel wanted to. I don't.

LWIT

I'm so sorry. I hadn't seen you here in a week or so and figured that was good. I don't know what to tell you other than {{{{{LWIT}}}}}


MIF?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LovingWifeInTexas:
<strong>For example...since he got home from his lil'trip to AZ to see OW, he has been more open emotionally and physically...but the minute he got home, he started researching and focusing on buying a new $3200 Alienware computer. That's fine, I'm cool with that. One comment he made that I should look at positive to this, is he wouldn't be buying it if he didn't want to work on our marriage (money investment $$) He got home Saturday night 11-13 and he finally purchased it on 11-19-04 after reserarching it, getting comments from his gaming buddies, etc...
So glad one of his first priorities when he decided to work on our marriage was to get a bigger and better computer. I've always been 2nd to that damn thing.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Having been in and around the computer business for over 20yrs, I can tell you this is not an investment. He is only thinking of himself and his enjoyment. He could get the same elswhere for much less, just not the branding. within a few yrs the computer will not be worth $200, heck in 6 months you will not beable to get 1/2 out of it for what was paid, unles you are willing to fork out, and keep forking out money every couple months to keep it the latest and greatest.

On top of the holidays and you have no money for your children. Yeah he is there to work on the marriage alright <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Just a family holiday fix is more like it.

I wish I knew something to say to make things better for you or to make you feel better, but I am in the same spot you're in.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Does that help, probably not much. I need to feel wanted and loved right now too. I have put out so much with no expectation of return through plan A that now I am desperate to get my batteries recharged. She won't be able to do that for me for a while longer though. Just gotta suck it up and keep on going through the home stretch I suppose....got this much time and emotional energy invested, no point stopping now.

lovingwife..

Computer purchase was first...he put off our counseling until December. Is it just me, or do we have some priorities mixed up?

what you have is your communication mixed up...

the way your story is presented...it appears that you granted permission for things....out of stating you want to make him happy...and when he agrees to your agreeing you resent it..
either openly to him...(computer)
or
inwardly...(the trip)


either spending the money on the computer IS ok...
Or it's not OK right now...

How does that help the fact that we still don't have any money to make Christmas special for the kids?

and if it's not...which is fine....
then tell him the truth...

lovingly and kindly...

"dear,
lets put off getting any expensive things till feb. or march after the holidays are over...."

better before you agree it's OK though...
what you are doing is giving consent to something you are not wholly agreeable to...then turning on him...that is how he will see it...and it is somewhat true...

He told me just tonight that it makes him uncomfortable still that he has "to go out of his way to touch me"...

when you hear painful things...YOU must create an environment that is safe for him to share these things...
I know that is hard...but if you turn around and address his statements..with a lot of "I" statements back....about what it does to you..

he will shut down..
anyone would...

and if you do it often enough...he will say things like he said just to break down all communication....
which is why you MUST change YOUR response...
so that communication even when painful can continue...

than stop. I don't want you doing anything that makes you uncomfortable.

that's a common knee jerk reaction...
and you need to go deeper and beyond that...

imagine the same words from him..
and you saying something totally different and unexpected...

first reply by thanking him for telling you...
then keep the focus on him...

wow how often do you feel that way...

wow...why do you think that is?

really...tell me more about that feeling...

keep the questions at him..
often if you can really probe a somewhat nebulous statement like he originally said....
people will often see the somewhat untruth of their own statement...

you post here...
that's why I direct my posts at you..
can't change him
can't talk to him..

only you..

ARK