Well, kids. Here's how you blow what could have been a good evening..

I had left FWW a card this morning, which she got when she got home from work and called to tell me how sweet it was, how much she appreciated it, etc.

I came home from work, all was well. Had a nice dinner, she joked about having gotten her Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail. I told her I would look at it and pick out an outfit, she thought that was fun. Then, I tried for sex (which we are having, had it Sat...but she tells me she just has no desire for it). Of course she wasn't interested, I got hurt, initiated relationship talk...

Turned to talk about why she has lost her sex drive..which turned to talk about her getting to a doctor and getting back on medication..(she was on an AD and everything was better until end of April...quit taking it...things went to hell for us). Even though she told me last Weds night that she knows she needs to go and would go, because of the way it came up tonight she started saying she would never be on medication again...blah...blah...fog...blah. I told her that I should not be blamed for not wanting someone I loved to be exhausted all the time, have no sex drive, be down in the dumps..etc. etc.

She has been off of medication three times in the last four or five years. First time, went on a shopping binge...second time, started abusing prescription pain pills....third time, decided I no longer loved her and had an affair...can't imagine why I would want her to get back on AD's....gee..

So..Cliff Notes...

Was in store for a good evening

My taker got control of me and went for sex

I got rejected and hurt

relationship talk

talk about her going to Dr. when rather than talking about it, I just need to make an appt and she will go...no need to discuss

She's asleep, I am punishing myself mentally for screwing up the evening and just had to go the store and buy sleeping pills to be able to sleep and quit thinking about this...kind of feel like sleeping on the couch, but that would be an LB, so I won't.

How do I keep my taker under control when I am just dying for affection and SF from her... She's home wanting to save our M and I am the one messing things up...

Hey,

Big slap from the MB fairie coming your way.... where is she? LOL!!

Now she is home but you are doing the work so stop beating yourself. You had a convo and stated a need which was ignored. She got to sleep it off and you are up beating yourself. Who s/b upset? Her for sleeping while you are in pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Look at this from our direction.

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong>
Look at this from our direction.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know. It's just that I find myself looking at each day as one where I moved closer to recovery or went backwards...I am not sure which I did tonight.

I know that tomorrow I will go ahead and make a Dr's appt for her. I will tell her when it is and she will go..she may huff and puff, but stubborn little thing that she can be, she knows she needs to get help and she will..

It's just that when you are the BS and your plan A finally worked, there is a big sense of relief and then your taker just starts screaming 'Hey, my turn...what about me?!?!?'

I just can't help trying to put myself in her shoes. I think "If I were the WS and had just hurt her in this terrible way...and I knew she needed affection...whether I necessarily felt like it or not, I would go through the motions and try to make up for what I'd done..I would do whatever it took to make her happy"

That said, I know from my reading that is not a realistic expectation from a recent WS...let alone one that needs AD medication and doesn't have it yet..

Why can't she make her own appointment?

Your taker is starting to kick in. Perfectly normal reaction but you need to get a hold on it. Don't smother it.

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Orchid:
<strong> Why can't she make her own appointment?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, I really wish she would. However, to make things go more smoothly and get her back on meds sooner, I am willing to do that.

Ideally, it should be her to do it, it's not my responsibility and she should want to do that. However, when one is in a rut and not thinking clearly, it's the role of a friend (and we have always been best friends) to give them a nudge. It's sort of like having a friend who's depressed and you have to call them 12 times and practically go over to their house and drag them out the door to keep them from sitting home alone in a funk. Later, when the funk clears, they thank you for it.

She just left for work...was acting all cranky this morning. All I said to her was that I was sorry about last night going wrong. She said, 'don't worry about it'. I said, 'Well, I do worry about it because you are obviously pissed at me.' Her reply, 'No, I'm not. I just want to get on with our lives'. Then she gave me a kiss goodbye.

I hate this crap....

HH you are so VERY early in NC you must control or at least amuse your taker elsewhere for a while.

Doing fun stuff with the kids and with my friends ( and as a family with OUR friends) kept my taker amused for a while so soon after NC. So did working out and getting buff to some extent. Diversionary tactics !

Finally, * ahem* pullin' the puddin' regularly can stop you from boiling over into rejection and R talk. yes I know only teens are supposed to do it but what the hey.

Its like when you are on a weight loss diet, when you're hungry you really want you FAVE dish, but all you REALLY need is somethin' to stop you being as hungry.

Go figure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

You really must continue to Plan A though. CONSISTENCY is absolutely crucial now. The changes you have made to yourself must be demontrable and sustainable.They will look like a 'lure' if you change back to being a needful, lovebusting thing now she's JUST in NC.

Imagine you are rebuilding an engine. To angry or too delicate and you'll bugger it up.

Be clinical and save your emotionas and instincts for once the engines running again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

All blessings.

Hi HH - have been following some of your posts and can certainly identify!

Seems, at this point, the more I "need" anything - the less likely S is to deliver! Like Bob said, and you too!, just occupy yourself, be pleasant and know it will come (at least, that's what I show my H) Inside, I keep planning and thinking and watchful and joyous and sad (the multitude of emotions).

Like you, too, I had to make the appt for my H w/ Dr for ADs, w/ MC and IC -- he avoids even when he's WELL, so what more can I expect NOW?

Yep, like you, I know he'd be far, far better off and the healing would be far, far more effective if he'd take intiative himself. But, it needs to be done, it needs to get started... so- I 'prime the pump'. My 'control' issues can be addressed later in IC/MC, I guess that's OK for now....

restarting/givvintime

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> HH you are so VERY early in NC you must control or at least amuse your taker elsewhere for a while. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this. It's difficult, but a necessity. I am going to do so, whatever it takes. I know she is still clearly in the fog..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Doing fun stuff with the kids and with my friends ( and as a family with OUR friends) kept my taker amused for a while so soon after NC. So did working out and getting buff to some extent. Diversionary tactics ! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Been doing that. Just need to keep focused. We had a great weekend with friends, going out by ourselves, etc. I have also lost almost 40 pounds and have been going to the gym daily...don't know what I would do without that. I know you would probably advise against it, but I have been seriously considering taking up Karate.. <<duck>>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You really must continue to Plan A though. CONSISTENCY is absolutely crucial now. The changes you have made to yourself must be demontrable and sustainable.They will look like a 'lure' if you change back to being a needful, lovebusting thing now she's JUST in NC.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are so correct. Thanks for the encouragement. One thing I believe I have to stand firm on, however, is her getting back with treatment for her depression. If you read the symptom list for depression, it's like a description of her. And, she's been previously diagnosed.

One thing I said last night that perhaps I shouldn't have said due to being a LB...'I don't think this affair would have happened if you hadn't been off your medication'. She didn't disagree..even shook her head yes.

Now tell me I shouldn't push to get her back on meds.?!?

<small>[ November 23, 2004, 06:06 AM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>