I'm on my first day here... my son & I discovered that my wife was having an affair last Aug and I was completely devastated! She said that its a purely emotional one (sms messages and emails) They've met in business meetings before...When confronted, she said that it has been going on for 2 months and said that she stopped the ff day... I requested her to change her phone # and she requested the guy to change his number too, which they did. She requested the guy to stop communicating and she says that he is cooperating...I TEND TO BELIEVE WHAT SHE IS SAYING.
It seems that the AFFAIR is no big deal for her. We dont want our children to be affected. Im acting normally on the outside. When checked she says that she has stopped it and why am I reminding it to her. ...We have been reading ALL the materials in the MB website and plan to resolve the conflict and hopefully restore
our marriage of 20 yrs. We AGREE ON WHY IT HAPPENED!... My concern is that the issue on her infidelity seems to be minor as compared to our "sins " of neglecting each for years!
I don't know anything about the other man at all( not even his name/office, etc...) This has been bugging me. We talked about it a 2X but SEVERE verbal abuse resulted! LOVEBUSTERS WERE ALL OVER THE PLACE! SHOULD I LEAVE IT THIS???? She mentioned that I havent forgiven her... With some snooping around, I believe that I can know the man but this might surprise other people to know. I feel that I need to know the details for my peace of mind and a sense of security which she DOESNT AGREE TOO. However, she has been cooperative on the other aspect of rebuilding our marriage.

PS: 1)We have been experiencing difficulties in implementing it MB plan though( DIFFICULTY IN FINDING TIME TOGETHER/ SELFISH DEMANDS/ POJA. But we are confident that we can do it!
2)IM AFFRAID THAT SHE MIGHT SEE OR COMMUNICATE W/ HIM AGAIN DUE TO BUSINESS BUT I HOPE AND PRAY [LIST] THAT IT WOULD BE PURELY ON PROFESSIONAL LEVEL.

PLS HELP !

BBB- welcome to Marriage builders. This is a great place to come to get support and ideas and answers to help you get through this hard time. You may also get hit with a few 2x4's from time to time if need be (I have received my share <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) they are all done with concern for you and your marriage.

1. I would ask you WS to get a new job, that is the only way you know that she is sticking with the N/C aggreement. That is VERY VERY important.

2. You need to make the time together and POJA a priority, with out it you will slip back in your old ways.

Bill Harley knows what he is talking about. Follow what he says and you will be okay, one way or the other.

Again welcome to MB's, hope you stick around, and pull through this hard time.

Welcome to MB,

Sorry you have to be in this sitch but yours already looks hopeful. Take a glance through the thread in my sig line called the 5 stages of grieving. It will help you and your W to understand what you will go through.

You both need a good MC. I recommend you both do some phone counseling with Steve & Jennifer @ MB.

Also read together the books: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. You will learn how each gender can react differently and use this to help improve your communication.

Also take the Emotional Needs questionnaire as outlined in the concepts section above.

Keep posting here.

KMEJ, THANKS FOR A PROMPT RESPONSE !
1)We have talked about this and getting a new job is totally out of the question... although at worst she might bump into him every other month or quarter... THIS IS OUR MAIN CONSTRAINT. We have talked about this lengthily and she is agreeable to "security" measures we are planning(eg. being with her when she travel...he is from another country). We have to discuss this further.
2)We totally agree that its a must that we have more time together...we are planning to talk about it this weekend. But for weeks now, In fact most of our time is spent on reading basic concepts and Q&A on Infidelity/Articles...More of the Q&A to follow!!! We will be answering the questionaires when time permits...
3) We have read the MB website( Ive printed everything for her!) and she seem to have no objection... we both understand that we have to learn and internalize many of its basics. Even thinking of ordering books/courses/attend weekend if necessary.
4) She even asked me if I want to know her daily schedule and I said no... when she travels, she gives me her itenerary (usually for short 1 or 2 day meetings overseas). This happens around 2 or 3X a month lately. Vulnerability????
5) We are facing a whole lot of challenges!!! Personality/Pride factor/ Busy schedules...
More on the details next time. thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>She mentioned that I havent forgiven her...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BBB, your W needs to realize that the process of forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight, especially not where infidelity is involved. This is a process that takes time and patience. You first need to work through all your feelings of anger, grief, hurt, pain etc. This is all part of the forgiveness process. Please read the following extraction from a book written by Dr Susan Forward on this subject and also print it out for your W to read:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">THE TRAP OF FORGIVENESS

Most of us have been led to believe that forgiveness is the first step toward healing. There are many experts in the various help professions who sincerely believe that forgiveness is not only the first step but often the onlY step necessary for inner peace. I disagree completely.

I took a long, hard look at the concept of forgiveness. I began to wonder if it could actually impede progress rather than enhance it.

I came to realize that there are two facets to forgiveness: giving up the need for revenge, and absolving the guilty party of responsibility. I didn’t have much trouble accepting the idea that people have to let go for the need to get even. Revenge is a very normal but negative motivation. It bogs you down in obsessive fantasies about striking back to get satisfaction; it creates a lot of frustration and unhappiness; it works against your emotional well-being. Letting go of your need for revenge is difficult, but it is clearly a healthy step.

But the other facet of forgiveness was not as clear-cut. I felt there was something wrong with unquestioningly absolving someone of this rightful responsibility. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this absolution was really another form of denial: “If I forgive you, we can pretend that what happened wasn’t so terrible.” I came to realize that this aspect of forgiveness was actually preventing a lot of people from getting on with their lives.

One of the most dangerous things about forgiveness is that it undercuts your ability to let go of your pent-up emotions. How can you acknowledge your anger against someone whom you’ve already forgiven? Responsibility can go only one of two places: outward, onto the people who have hurt you, or inward, into yourself. Someone’s got to be responsible.

I also noticed that many clients rushed to forgiveness to avoid much of the painful work of therapy. They believed that by forgiving they could find a shortcut to feeling better. A handful of them forgave, left therapy, and wound up sinking even deeper into depression or anxiety.

Several of these clients clung to their fantasies: “All I have to do is forgive and I will be healed, I will have wonderful mental health, everybody is going to love everybody, we’ll hug a lot, and we’ll finally be happy.” Clients all too often discovered that the empty promise of forgiveness had merely set them up for bitter disappointment. Some of them experienced a rush of well-being, but it didn’t last because nothing had really changed in the way they felt in their family interactions.

People can forgive, but they should do it at the conclusion - not at the beginning - of their emotional housecleaning. People need to get angry about what happened to them. They need to grieve over what happened. They need to stop diminishing or discounting the damage that was done to them. Too often, “forgive and forget” means “pretend it didn’t happen.”

I also believe that forgiveness is appropriate only when people to do something to earn it. People need to acknowledge what happened, take responsibility and show a willingness to make amends. If you unilaterally absolve someone who continues to treat you badly, who deny much of your reality and feelings, and who continue to project blame onto you, you may seriously impede the emotional work you need to do.

At this point, you may be wondering, understandably, if you will remain bitter and angry for the rest of your life. In fact, quite the opposite is true. What I have seen over the years is that emotional and mental peace comes as a result of releasing yourself from someone’s control. And that release can come only after you’ve worked through your intense feelings of outrage and grief and after you’ve put the responsibility where it belongs.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BBB, if you read my signature line you will see that I was also involved in an EA through e-mail. You will also see that I still work at the same company as OM. I bump in him occasionally. From experience I can tell you that withdrawal takes much longer and is much harder if there is ‘accidental’ contact with the OP from time to time – even if the contact only happens once in a month.... My main problem was that although I didn’t bumped into OM very often (sometimes 3 months went by without any contact), I constantly had fear and anxiety at work that I would bump into him. This is really something that holds back personal and marital recovery and changing of jobs is one of the most important things your W can do right now… You’ve said you and your W talked about this and getting a new job is totally out of the question. Why is this? Is this purely selfish reason from her part or is there any personal circumstances (financial or economical) that prevents her from getting a new job?

Suzet

<small>[ November 23, 2004, 03:39 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Suzet, Thanks for your posting... I've printed and handed W the article... Will ask if she is willing to post feedback. Regards

May I have your thoughts on this...

What should we do if total NC can't be guaranteed??? ( NOT BY CHOICE BUT BY CIRSCUMSTANCE WHICH CANT REALLY BE AVOIDED )...
WW claims there is no addiction which I tend to agree. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

BBB, until your W can get another job, she can do the following (a list of suggestions I call “How to do NC at work”). Since your W doesn’t work with the OM directly or have contact with everyday, not all of the suggestions will be applicable on her, but I'll share the whole list anyway:

Firstly and most importantly, your W must not do any of the behaviors that made the A possible in the first place e.g.:

1. No lunches, coffee, drinks, socilizing even in a group when he's present, unless the spouse is also present

2. No revealing personal information. ie "How's your life." Answer good and walk away or turn to the conversation to the pertinent business.

3. No asking for personal information.

4. No receiving personal information, if he starts volunteering, brusquely turn the conversation to the pertinent business.

5. She must not worry about being polite, the marriage is more important than politeness to someone you want out of your life.

6. If she can make any choices not to work with him or can pass a task with or about him onto another co-worker, she must do so.

7. She must not engage in chit chat with him.

8. She must avoid one on one.

9. She must goes way out of her way to stay out of his way where possible.

10. She must NEVER do anything that might be construed as a favor e.g. don't run off a report for him if it's not her job, etc.

11. She can ignore him when he asks her a direct (non-work related) question.

Business Business Business and accountability to the spouse on anything that crosses that line.

When he may try to contact her for things other then work she can tell him "I Love my Husband and I'm working on my marriage".

She must take the initiative to inform you of anything outside of business and this will help to build your trust back up. She can even talk to you and ask for your input- "this happened today and I felt you should know. I am going to take these actions to prevent this from happening in the future. Do you have any suggestions?"

Some other suggestions:

1. The two of you can pray together EVERY morning before she leaves for work.

2. She can let you know by calling you if she have to work with him or in a group with him that particular day – that way you will know if there's contact going on or not.

3. At days end she can tells you anything that was said between them, any look he might have given her, any favor he might have done for her, and then you can discuss those encounters to YOUR satisfaction. If you think they were unimportant, you can let them pass, but if they seemed like he was hitting on her, you can discuss it further. She must be willing to ALWAYS answers your questions without getting testy, or aggravated.

4. She can find a same sex co-worker to become friends with that will be handy to "interrupt" if he get cornered. (Especially if there's someone who knows what has happened that knows how committed she is to her M and spouse now).

5. She can tell one other trusting co-worker about what happened and if you have ANY questions you might have about how she's acting toward the OM at any given time, you can ask that person. Even if you never asks this person a question, the option is there should you ever get suspicious.

6. If there is any accidental contact between the two of them, she can inform you as soon as possible. She must be totally honest and open to you about ANY contact.

<small>[ November 24, 2004, 02:32 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>