Pookie..

how long have you been in plan b..

how does he know when and where dinner is..

did you tell him...

plan b...
no contact..
resend the letter...

he's been out a year..
if he shows don't let him in...

plan b...right...

ARK

I wish we can do it at someone elses house. There are 24 of us and the only other in the family that has the room to accomodate everyone happens to be going to his wifes family this year. I have a big house and open enough space to fit all the tables. My STBX owns the house jointly with me and divided equally when we sell it. Because of that he thinks that he can waltz around here like he lives here. The lawyer told him otherwise, that this is MY residence and that he should respect it. He claims because he has such a far drive to see the kids (it is close to and hour and half drive from city) that he should be able to relax awhile in HALF his house. He totally disregards the opinions of the lawyer. I do not want to make a scene in front of the kids. They all have had enough heartbreak lately. We just lost my father last month also...so I am walking on eggshells not to upset my kids anymore than they have to and hope that they can at least enjoy some of these holidays even with all this sadness.

Pookie..

can you tell us about your plan b...

how often does he see the kids...is there some type of formal arrangements made there...
if not you should pursue that venue...
with clear boundaries about NOT exposing the kids to OP...

also when did you give him the plan b letter
what did it say..
and what was his reaction

and is there an intermediary for you to communicate kid stuff?

what are your plans about your marriage...

you could leave when he comes...
and come back when he returns...
go to a friends house...

how often does he come over...what does he do there...

ARK

He is treating you like a doormat, shows you no respect, and you have demanded none from him. He is having his cake and eating it too.

You do not have a plan in place. You need more legal and family support. It is going to be difficult to keep him out of the home this thanksgiving. Have the locks been changed, has his behavior been documented? Have the kids visited him in his shack up situation and has this been documented? You may be able to use this legally to protect your kids in the future, but you need to protect yourself.

You are also sleeping with the ememy because although they have been your family for 26 years, they are HIS family and they are going to welcome him.

That said, I think you are stuck for this year unless you have more support. This reminds me of the scene in the movies when the new boyfriend kicks the X freeloader out of the house.

I think we would like to help you with a greater plan here. You sound like you don't have the support you need. Please let us help.

Talk to your family lawyer first. You are going thru the divorce and he owns half of the house. Ask the lawyer what to do. Can you call the police for trespassing? All of this can be documented. Can you send a registered letter with the attorney's help stating that he is not welcome? You need a paper trail.

As for the kids, there should be no overnight visits with the OW present. Talk to the family attorney about that too. What about the money he pays in her half of the rent? What does the attorney say about that.

You need to stay with us a while and post about your situation so that we can support you. I am so sorry for this mess, but it can't be fixed overnight. I think now is the time to work with the attorney to fix it.

By the way, does he have a history of violence? If he does, he won't like this...he won't like it anyway because you are finally standing up for yourself. If you really want him back, you need to make him respect you and know that you are not fooling around this time. He has had his cake and eaten it for so long he expects it. Get a backbone! You have to for your kids. I don't want to sound harsh, but he has taken advantage of you and the kids for a long time and you have ENABLED him to do this. You need to stop helping him hurt you.

Get the attorney and legal system to help you and stop being his victim. Then watch his reaction-he is going to be very angry, so be prepaired. Like a little kid who lost his toys, but then maybe you will see some action. Right now he has the best of both worlds.

Yea..I like the invite the OW family...too funny, yes that would be fun to watch!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He wrote me an e-mail yesterday saying that it was HIS family that I was invited, and I had no right to keep him from coming. That he was going to come whether I liked it or not. Now I am not sure what to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, he no longer lives there....he just thinks that he can waltz in anytime that he wants and consume whatever meal you have prepared? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I assume he no longer lives there.

If it were just you and the kids having that meal...would he be entitled to just come in and help himself?

If it were not Thanksgiving...and you had the kids grandparents (his parents) over for supper...would it entitle him because they are HIS parents...and HIS kids?

I say draw a very THICK line across his THICK head. You can have ANYONE you want to dinner...and he doesn't get to invite himself. He must be afraid that he will be the topic of discussion...with some unfavorable things being said..and he needs to be there to defend himself.

The gall of some people... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

So...what do you plan on doing?
Locking the doors and not answering it??
Please do NOT involve the police...it would be nothing but a circus and your poor children do not want to remember Thanksgiving like that.

I would suggest meeting at someone else's house...in other words...DITCH him. When he shows up, no one will be there.

Better yet, email him and let him know that the OW has invited him...her HUSBAND would like to meet him...and what better day than Thanksgiving! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

JMHO
committed

<small>[ November 24, 2004, 07:36 AM: Message edited by: committedandlovingit ]</small>

Take out a restraining order today. He has threatened you.

Unfortunately, the options are dwindling. I think the safest option is to cancel the dinner or move venues. Where there is a will, there is a way. No one's house may be as big as yours, but with a few temporary tables....it's very doable. Be smart....avoid this confrontation.

Comfortably Numb,

Posted this on a separate thread, but don't know if you saw it. Again my apologies for offending. Have edited it slightly.

------------------------------------------------
Thank you for explaining the Amish "shunning" of a church member.

Although I meant no disrespect to the Amish, I guess I did disrespect them, didn't I?

I think I like their tradition of "shunning", although it must be terribly painful for all involved, it would serve us well if all families/communties acted this way in the case of adultry. And the adulterer/family destroyer would think twice about what he he giving up at his own hands. Don't you agree.

And if his family accepts him waltzing into Pookies home and acting like it was okay to destroy her and her children, than I would not consider them my friends. Hard to respect and trust people who don't stand up for what is right, even and ESPECIALLY if they are his blood relatives.

I will raise my daughter to not tolerate or close her eyes to injustice and hurt inflicted onto the family unit, or to another, even if the inflictor is a family member.

Why should an entire family be subjected and made to endure a family members infidelity at such (or any) an occasion as Thanksgiving is beyond me. He needs a big what for, in my opinion. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Pookie, I was being humorous at the beginning, but see that this is far from funny and humor is not really the answer. Hope you find a way to enjoy the holidays, regardless of whether he shows up or not. And I know what it is like to face the first few holidays after the death of a parent, I am sorry.

Weaver,

My usual plea: be merciful to ILs.

ILs can be great allies in the infidelity battle. But ILs know the cold reality: in most cases in our society, the BSs eventually drift to the margin of their lives; the offending parties, being blood relatives, will always be in it, even with their twelve subsequent spouses.

ILs must be handled with care. Avoid putting them in awkward positions -- for example, locking out the WS at BS's house while they are expected to watch. In general, avoid telling them anything you wouldn't want the WS to know.

Treat them with dignity, and carry yourself with dignity. Honor them -- but don't expect them to fight on your team. Usually, they cannot, though their sympathies may be entirely with you. They are in a very awkward position.

pookie..

are you well

how did your thanksgiving go

did he show... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

hope you ARE well

lets get a real plan going for you

ark

Pookie,

How did things go for you this year on Thanksgiving??

bb

BB,

Thanks for posting. I have been thinking about Pookie also. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Pookie, how r u doing?

L.