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bumping back to the top <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and adding Today's Gift from Hazelden: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> DirectnessSo much of our communication can reflect our need to control. We say what we think others want to hear. We try to keep others from getting angry, feeling afraid, going away, or disliking us. But our need to control traps us into feeling like victims and martyrs. Freedom is just a few words away. Those words are our truths. We can say what we need to say. We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind. Let go of your need to control. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming, or cruel when we speak our truths. Neither do we need to hide our light. Let go, and freely be who you are. Today, I will be honest with others, and myself knowing that if I don't, my truth will come out some other way. You are reading from the book: The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> <small>[ March 04, 2005, 08:06 AM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>
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Hey Conflict Avoiders !!!!
I am just yanking your chain ....
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myrta,
Just an observation...if you see this...
This is an old thread, but read your original response back on page 1.
You and Stanly are still CA'ing the truth about your A to your family. You said it way back then yourself, the truth will eventually out no matter what you do. They will evantually learn of it, even if not from loony OM. And the longer you hide it, run from it and avoid it the more it will hurt when it explodes beyond your control.
Timing is everything, Myrta.
Which, BTW, is I think still my main CA trait. Never seems the right time to take a stand. What hill do I want to die on? Is this one instance really so bad?
I usually lose the big picture that way.
With prayers,
Last edited by Aphelion; 09/19/05 06:35 PM.
"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan
"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky
WS: They are who they are.
When an eel lunges out
And it bites off your snout
Thats a moray ~DS
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Directness
So much of our communication can reflect our need to control. We say what we think others want to hear. We try to keep others from getting angry, feeling afraid, going away, or disliking us. But our need to control traps us into feeling like victims and martyrs.
Freedom is just a few words away. Those words are our truths. We can say what we need to say. We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind.
Let go of your need to control. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming, or cruel when we speak our truths. Neither do we need to hide our light. Let go, and freely be who you are.
Today, I will be honest with others, and myself knowing that if I don't, my truth will come out some other way. I never realized it but CA is a way of being controlling too. Huh. Makes sense.
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Ahh Pep,
As someone else has already stated, "so much said with so little words."
It would seem that to engage in conflict, would also lead to a revalation about what may actually be harbored in that part of your heart that you may not be willing to reveal to anyone but God.
I know for sure, my wife has that part in herself. I know that in reality, so do I.
So what would be the benefit of conflict and ultimately, conversation about that conflict? Sometimes it will only lead to ultimate despair. Yep, sometimes it's better to "fool" ourselves than to face real truth.
Wow, you think, a real conflict avoider!!!
Truth of the matter is, for me, CA can instill hope(even if it false hope). Without that, not only is the future stripped from us, but also the present.
Ever hopeful,
All Blessings,
Jerry
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"ultimate despair"
Jerry .... where are you headed with this?
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Sorry Pep,
I have a habit of posting that leaves most scratching their head and saying "what?"
I aam trying to say that if one's past actions are horrible and simply cannot be defended in any way, shape , or form, should these past actions be discussed over and over again, or should we let go and concentrate on today and the future?
My FWW is not the same person today that she was 4 years ago. Should she not be allowed to live in God's grace and mercy, or should she be forced by me or others to relive her sin over and over again?
For me to do this, I would be labled by many as a CA. So I could change all that, but at what price. The loss of my 35 year old marriage?
I guess what I am saying, is to change my stance of CA at this point could ultimately cost me my marriage, and I don't think at this point, it would be worth it, just to say that I AM NOT A CA.
Does that make any sence at all?
All Blessings,
Jerry
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A very useful bump up.
I would like to make a comment concerning my path from being a CA in my marriage.
As I gained confidence and saw results in my marrige through not avoiding conflict, I found myself becoming confrontational in an eerily dead-eyed way. That is I'd let NOTHING slip, defer NOTHING fo a more approrpiate time. And I could feel myself readying myself for a nonLB-confrontation.
What balls !
I have learned that assessing stuff in context is important. Some stuff doesn't need confronting, and other stuff needs to be challenged at a more appropriate time. I still find this slightly difficult as I fear being a CA once more, but I AM striking a good balance lately.
Its sort of like I have had to learn DIPLOMACY in my marriage. Not CA, not aggression, but the art of getting things done through CORRECT debate.
MB Alumni
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Its sort of like I have had to learn DIPLOMACY in my marriage. Not CA, not aggression, but the art of getting things done through CORRECT debate. How very wonderful this is !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
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Hmmmmm,
So what do you guys think?
Am I avoiding conflict to keep the peace or am I am I keeping the peace to avoid conflict????
Jerry
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I've been avoiding this post just based on the title! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
9 years now ... and some days you still say grrr!
Hang in there.
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Jerry
Deliberately risking losing peace is hard for a man. I know this. A man can soak up a whole lot of hurt and dissatisfaction for the sake of peaceful life. We have a common saying in England - I don't know if the saying is used in the US: " anything for the quiet life".
That is "I will tolerate unfairness and deep dissatisfaction as long as there is no conflict".
But in truth the quality of the peace bought with such cowardice is not worth having. I know this my CA contributed to a HIGHLY unsatisfying marriage and certainly stopped me from impeding Squid from having an affair.
I have found that while diplomatic management of conflict can cause a perceived disruption of the 'peace' in our life, teh genuine peace that is produced by diplomatic debate and POJA is CLEANER and PURER than CA peace. CA peace is just absence of conflict, but DISCUSSED and AGREED peace is PRESENCE OF HAPPINESS AND CONTENTMENT.
That make any sense ?
"Peace" is not a lofty ambition. Happiness and/or contentment should be our ambition. Peace just means lack of war and can hide enormous injustice.
I feel a fraud offfering this as if an expert when I still have so much to learn here, but I need to point our the benefits I have seen through not avoiding conflict.
I can't work out why you're avoiding conflict, Jerry. But if you're like you just don't have the fight to stand up for your opinion.
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Why avoid conflict? I start to physically shake when there is a conflict, and shiver. I feel afraid, too, although there is no logical reason for it and I can't articulate one. It must be something from my home of origin, I feel like a little child in those situations. Pratising doesn't make the feeling go away, and when the discussion in over I feel so upset that I have disappointed someone that the physical reactions continue. My hands are cold, I am shaking, I crave a drink.
There is no logical reason for this. I have a good job which involves a lot of conflict and I usually step up to the plate. I own apartment buildings and issues with tenants necessarily come up. I have kids that need advocating for. But in all situations, even with my husband, or close friends, I get these horrible feelings during conflict. The feelings are so unpleasant that the benefits are to avoid the conflict and therefore the unpleasant physical reactions.
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I just realized this was an old thread. I saw the title in the active index, and clicked on it, read the first page, and not realizing there was anymore, posted the above.
Then I realized there were many pages. I just read through the entire thread, there's a lot of great stuff in here. As someone previously posted, I also get so upset with the person I am in confict with that I am unable to feel anything positive for them and have ruined relationships due to this. Partly it is the lack of knowledge as to how to appropriately (and tactfully) handle conflict.
When I'm angry, or scared, my brain stops working.
Em
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Great thread. Learned a lot. Didn't know how funny CAs could be.
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Last edited by Pepperband; 11/02/08 02:09 PM.
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Bump
For
Marcos
See if any of this helps?
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Thanks, Pep, for this and for the other link! Reading ... 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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