Daisy,
I’m a FWW who were involved in EA (see my signature). On one stage during my recovery I was very concerned about total honesty and openness in my M and I was worried about some things I never shared with my H (sinful and adulterous thoughts and fantasies I had about OM). This was something my H never asked me about and something I felt very ashamed and guilty about. I posted my concerns regarding this on the In Recovery forum and received the following reply from
ForeverHers. Maybe his post will be of help to you too. Here it is:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Let me try to be as gentle as I can with this, even though I know it's a difficult subject sometimes. Hubby probably didn't "know" the "WHOLE" person you were when he married you. None of us are mindreaders. But we accept our spouse, all known and unknown faults, because we love them. Those "shortcomings" are not relevant, or at least not very important to us. What is important is who we are TODAY, not yesterday. The "yesterday's" are important in making a decision to marry in the first place. After that, the issues are governed by the marital vows and personal beliefs. For example:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, is it not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (ICor.13:4-7, NIV)Tie that passage in with the truth of the recovery process. The affair was about the WS and they were in control. Recovery is about the BS, primarily, and they are in control. I understand and am somewhat jealous of your desire to reveal all and your commitment to Openness and Honesty. That alone will go miles towards recovering and healing your marriage. But don't let guilt and fear dominate you or make you think that you must "spill your guts" about everything. It is the BS who has the "right" to decide how much and what type of information that they want. If they ask, then provide the information. If they don't, they are working out recovery in their minds to the best of their ability and have decided that too much information would do more damage that it is worth. They are focusing on TODAY, and accepting that "bad things" happened in the past that cannot be changed and do not want "memories" to haunt them about things that cannot be changed.
Further, with forgiveness among Christians, is the attempt to emulate God in His forgiveness. We are to not dwell on the sin of whatever has been forgiven. We are to view, as much as it is possible for mere humans, to treat the person and see the person that we have forgiven as "cleansed and white as snow." We are to, as much as possible, put the sin so far away in our thoughts that it is "as if" it never occurred.
This is a difficult process because we don't have God's ability but we do have a God given memory. So it takes time. One of the drawbacks to getting to this point of "as if it never occurred" is that TMI (too much information), especially of the graphic and/or intense nature, is difficult for many of us to control or suppress. This is especially true for men, as we tend to be very visual. That's why the sex part of adultery is so difficult for men. It is for me, so I keep it locked away and try not to dwell on it. For women, it's more the "touchy, feely, emotional" stuff that is more important. Women tend to obsess over things like, "Did you loooove her?". Why? Because God wired us that way.
What your husband is doing by not wanting that information is to protect both you and he from the "information overload" and "mental images" that do little to further recovery and do a lot to cause problems for recovery. Let me ask you to think about something. Did you confess EVERY single detail to God? Or did you confess the adultery in total and not gush every detail you could remember to God? Either way, it's irrelevant because God already knew every detail and upon your repentance and confession to Him, God not only forgave, but all the details were put away from his "consciousness" and you were, and are, viewed as a "new creature, sinless and pure as a virgin". "The old has gone, the new has come."
Your husband is emulating this to the best of his ability. He doesn't have the ability that God does to put the memories so far away that it is as if they never occurred. But he can limit the amount of information about what he has already forgiven that he has to deal with.
Suzet, we all react differently and we all want or "need" a certain amount of information. Some want more and some want less. That is their choice. That you have to deal with the memories and the desire to purge them to your husband is one of the consequences of the sin that was committed. But you don't have the right to "force" your husband to take information he doesn't want because it will make you feel better or because you justify it on the basis of what you think YOU would want if you were in his shoes.
If you want "get if off your chest", do it here. If you need to "talk with someone about things your husband doesn't want to hear, do it here. We have fairly broad shoulders and you can cry on them anytime you feel the need.
But also count your blessings. TMI can really hamper recovery, even destroy recovery. One of the reasons that God allows the BS to divorce is, IMHO, information overload. If it causes the BS to dwell incessantly on the "details", they may never be able forgive and move on. They may never be able to be obedient to God's commands to husbands. Remember, God commanded men to love their wives. God never commanded women to love their husbands, only to respect them and to be submissively obedient to their leadership in spiritual matters and as "head of the household." If in your husband's attempt to be head of the household and decide what is best for your marriage in this matter of "how much information", he decides he does NOT want to know everything that you would be willing, or want, to tell him, then you MUST respect him and honor him and be obedient to the decision that he feels honors God and protects your marriage.
Each of us, in our own way, must deal with the consequences of infidelity. I can tell you that there are questions that "roll around in my head" that some days I would like answers to from my wife. But I don't ask because I know that my "mental movies" are intense, painful, and debilitating. I cannot, probably, convey to you how intense a man's mental movies are of a wife being with, and enjoying, the "attentions" of another man. It is enough for me to know that "acts" occurred. I don't need the blow by blow details or "comparisons". That was then, this is now...and I am working to create new memories for both of us. In time, the thoughts and feelings of both of us will fade concerning the "past infidelity" as thoughts about long ago boyfriends and girlfriends fade. The memories, once in our minds, will never be erased short of something like alzheimer's disease, but they will not be accessed readily or even recalled without effort. That is one of the reasons recovery takes a lot of time. It simply does take time for memories to fade and for today to become another part of our past. But inbetween now and then, we build a lot more new memories that are fresh in our minds and that we do think about.
God bless, be patient, endure, and remain focused on God's model of forgiveness and plan for your marriage. And while you are at it, it's time for you to really forgive your past weakness in giving in to your sinful nature and to know that you are a new and different creature today. You, too, must put those thoughts away "as if" they never occurred and not dwell on them any longer.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
<small>[ November 24, 2004, 01:27 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>
