Twenty-eight years ago we said “I do” and up until the beginning of this summer, we stood by our commitment to each other like it meant something important.
My wife started a friendship with a new guy at work. We have always had friends of the opposite sex and we NEVER, ever worried about there being anything threatening to our relationship…we were that committed to each other. This time it was different. After a little while I was noticing “Tim said this…”, and “Tim said that….” And the alarm bells started ringing. Always in the back of my mind though was no one would ever get by my W’s commitment to us and that would NEVER HAPPEN!
But, little things started to occur that didn’t quite add up. An annonoumus call one afternoon from someone warning me about extra curricular activities on her part and then, one late Tuesday evening in early September when she should have been at work, I drove by the OM’s place for a totally different reason to drop off information for a client and there was her car.
That really stunk.
The confrontation an hour later was long, heart rending and emotional. Not violent or hateful and, by that point, somewhat suspected.
She told me everything…all the details and answered every question. She had been with him a total of 3 times over a month or so when she got out of work early or when I was working late. I sell real estate.
She promised to not lie to me and to not be with him anymore. We were starting to rebuild. We were both getting councilling. We were having a good time together. A great Plan A.
A week ago she put on the new “funderware” set I’d given her…first time she’d worn it. Even modelled it for me before she went to work. Do you see this one coming? I was home when she got in from work and she looked awful. A little lunch meeting with OM turned into a show and tell and all the rest. I knew in my heart it had happened but it wasn’t until a week later that I overcame my reluctence to spy that I searched out her diary and read the whole damning story.
The second confrontation was an hour long as well and she is now (with my help) going to find a place to hopefully purchase and move into. I can’t be lied to and she says that despite her best intentions, she can’t be trusted anymore.
Her councilling sessions have not really helped. They have given her an excuse for allowing it to have happened but they don't give her any idea on how to work through the situation. Her premise is she needs to find herself…this isn’t about me at all. She says she loves me and the furthest thing from her mind was to cause me pain.
Funny, she was pretty mad about me snooping but going back to OM didn’t seem to be quite as bad (I could be misinterpreting that, though).
In my mind, I know if she leaves our home she is most likely out of my life. The OM will have unrestricted access to her which she craves and I will become one of the walking wounded with only one or two courses of action open to me. To protect my image of self, I’ve got to start the distancing process. If I mope around I’m dead-ending my life. If I throw myself into new things and my work I will leave her behind in my own mind. I don’t want that. We made a choice after a short period of marriage that we would have no children. It would just be the two of us against the world. We were there for each other. So now at 51, we have no family to emotionally support us and help us through these hard times. Our dreams are gone.
She tells me she can’t not see me being in her life but I don’t see how I can stay as just a friend. My withdrawl period would last for the rest of my life. And what about if 6 months down the road she gets dumped by OM (I’m convinced he is a serial cheater) and wants me back? Concillation prize? That would make me feel special. Or moved on? Or maybe the worst case, stealing my heart against further pain.
We are still in the same house, in the same bed until she finds a place to move to and we hold each other at night like lost souls. We love each other but she won’t commit to me until she discovers what made her do this. The easiest thing for her to do would be to push everything into the corner of her mind and stay with me. We would both be happy because we are in love and love each other. But she won’t know when it might happen again because she didn’t see it coming the first time around.
For the record her Mom is emotionally abusive and is dying, W is in menopause, has incredible pressure at work, is working on a Master’s thesis and her very expensive horse has been lame for a year and the vet bills are huge.
I am going insane. I don’t know how she isn’t already.

brian

Sorry to hear this..unfortunately it's SSDD for the WS/BS.

I don't think you should be paying for her apt. Essentially you are renting them a hotel room if you do this..she is making her choices..let the realities fully hit her in the chest..it's the only hope, I really think.

Noodle

Brian,

You story saddens me but despite the 'external pressures', your W did not need to create another.

Getting a good MC is vital. Please take a look at counseling via phone with Jennifer @ MB. She is good to work with. You can do it by yourself or together. Your W is a WS right now so approach the MC as a way to help her through her current stressess.

Some of those external pressures will need to work themselves out. Don't try to resolve ALL these issues for her. Work together on them. When she deals with them reality will hit sooner and harder. That could be key to bringing her back to reality and out of the fantasy.

JMHO,
L.

bbrr,

Is "Tim" married? Exposure is always one line of defense/offense.

But she won’t know when it might happen again because she didn’t see it coming the first time around.

Come on!! Oh she saw it coming all right! Friends with the opposite sex will sooner or later bite you in the a$$.

k

She would be buying her own place...I'd just be her agent. She makes good money so that's not an issue.

"Tim" isn't married anymore. His wife kicked him out a number of years ago and I expect it was for this kind of thing, too. Since then he's had 3 bad relationships but I've got no details. I could go to his employer to try to rock his boat a bit but that wouldn't work out very well for W as she works in the same place.

My guess is, once she is out of our house she will soon be out of my life. And I don't think that is what she wants.

I'm going to try to discover who his ex was by searching court records. She might have some interesting info for me to pass on to W.

I can't believe I'm writing this. It's a nightmare that I'm not waking up from.

She would be buying her own place...I'd just be her agent. She makes good money so that's not an issue.
We almost got a place for her last night. I had 3 offers on one of my listings (mine was the third) and I got beat out by another one of my offers...I least I'll still get paid)
W says she is NOT moving out to be with OM. Doesn't mean she won't see him on and off but she figures she would see me way more than OM. W still maintains she needs space to find herself and in the same breath she says she can't be trusted either so that's why she has to go. I don't want her scr*ewing around while she is pretending to be working with me to fix things while in the house. I guess it's now all about protection of my self image.
We are going to our first MC session this sat. with the councellor who she was with for her IC sessions. This, I hope will be beneficial.
More as it happens...I don't know to be hopeful or delusional.

bbrriiaann

Bbr,

Read you last post again and see if there is any logic to what she said. Then figure out if you want to be a part of that chaotic illogic.

L.

Read your last post again and see if there is any logic to what she said. Then figure out if you want to be a part of that chaotic illogic

To me it sounds like nonsense but I'm convinced she believes it. I'm not going to make it easy for her if she does want a time out just to scr*w around but I will work with her 100% on a Recovery
I don't know how I can not be part of her chaos if I'm working towards a resolution. One of us has to start the journey first and hopefully the other one will catch up.

Getting a good MC is vital. You can do it by yourself or together. Your W is a WS right now so approach the MC as a way to help her through her current stressess.

I couldn't agree more. The first apt. is Sat. afternoon. I've told her I will go to the wall for her to help her deal with this but only if she works with me in good faith.


bbrriiaann

bbr,

The emperor believed he was wearing 'new clothes' when in reality he was 'nekked as a jaybird.' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The people around him supported his wacko viewpoint at least when they were within his view. In time, the truth came out and the heckling began. King or not, people get tired of being manipulated into the fantasy games of an A. The key players are the die hard imbecilles who continue to parade around in less than their undies. The world laughs at them.

My point is to pain a vivid picture so you as the BS does not allow yourself to get pulled into this drama. How does a BS get pulled? Much against their own (BS) will, the BS (and others, even the family pet) are often manipulated to support the A.

1. BS staying in plan A too long.
2. BS NOT going to plan B in a timely manner
3. BS giving monetary support or continue to pay for WS' expenses. Some WS even asked the BS to pay for their hotel and flight to see the OP. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

4. BS allowing a WS back into the home without any boundaries or repercussions outlined or enforced.

5. BS allows the threats to stand without making a concentrated effort to undermine them.

6. Doing everything the WS wants in an effort to be the better spouse.

There are more, many more.....but I think you get the gist of it.

take care,
L.

My point is to paint a vivid picture so you as the BS does not allow yourself to get pulled into this drama. How does a BS get pulled? Much against their own (BS) will, the BS (and others, even the family pet) are often manipulated to support the A.

By getting her out of our house until she agrees to NC and total honesty, how is that supporting her A?

1. BS staying in plan A too long.

We had been in plan A for 6 weeks until contact started again...now Plan B is winding up.

3. BS giving monetary support or continue to pay for WS' expenses. Some WS even asked the BS to pay for their hotel and flight to see the OP.

Nope, not happening here. If I find her her place to move to, I will be getting money, not giving it. It will give me a little more opportunity to be "caring" towards her

4. BS allowing a WS back into the home without any boundaries or repercussions outlined or enforced.

No way she's coming back until she can commit to the relationship...I will forgive her.

Thanks for your concern Orchid...what am I saying that is prompting your replies? Do you think I'm kidding myself?
My will has been changed and my life insurance policies also. Anything that my family gave to her (heirloom jewelry and antiques, etc.) will be taken back pending the outcome. Our friends have been told to put entertaining on hold. We have cancelled special occassions (my birthday, christmas and a family due).
I'm trying to impress on her that this is affecting a lot of people...least of all her.

It still sucks, though.

bbr,

I saw that you were helping your W buy her next home and 'assumed' you were being enabled. Maybe that is wrong. I aplogize for jumping to conclusions like that....not my normal MO. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> So many of us BS think helping is by really helping, when in reality helping c/b by withholding. The fog is thick and often clouds the BS' judgement also.

I went back and re-read some of your other posts. I can see you are angry, hurt and trying. You probably are in a better position than most but it certainly doesn't reduce the pain.

I am sorry for your pain but your chosen path of how you are handling it is similar to what we recommend. Get with a good MC or give Steve a call @ MB. It w/b worth it. Also reading those books w/b a good thing.

I found that when I identified my personal boundaries and implemented them, then my life came back to my control.

All the best,
L.

We went to MC on Sat pm. What a waste! Some of these guys are working for the divorce lawyers, I sure of it.
The end result after a 2 hr session was she was going to move out of the house because she couldn’t trust herself to no contact and I couldn’t have her here if she couldn’t be trusted.
She came home from work ahead of schedule today in dreadful shape. She’d planned on going out to the horse right after work and then returning there to continue on a large project that needs to be done by Christmas.
I held her for a long time as she sobbed uncontrollably so ashamed of how she could ever have put me through all of the pain and how I could still want her in my life.
She told OM today that was it. No more contact and outside of business only functions... don’t even greet her in the hallway. It’s a start.
Thankyou MB for giving me the wisdom to say the right things to her! We have a long ways to go and I know the road has speed bumps but it’s starting to look like we have a chance.
She is still looking at moving out for a bit and I think she needs to do that, too. At least I’m sure she’s not going to OM (right now anyways)

bbrriiaann

If you truely believe that you are both entering recovery, her moving out would not be the best choice. Too many possibilities of her restarting the affair.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If you truely believe that you are both entering recovery, her moving out would not be the best choice. Too many possibilities of her restarting the affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree with you. It is something that she thinks she really needs to do right now. If the A starts up again then I will be changing the locks on my heart. The outcome might be that we will be leaving each other but at least that descission will have been arrived at without the OM pulling on her the way he was before.

For the most part Plan A wasn't too bad. Plan B is going to modified because there won't be an OM in the way. Hopefully we will be able to grow together again over the next months.

bbrriiaann

Brian, It sounds like your wife is acting against her much better judgement. Your story is just sooooo sad. Your wife sounds soooo sad. I don't have any advice - I'm not smart enough. Just wanted to say hello and to tell you to keep doing as you have been doing. Time for a nervous breakdown later eh?

best
AN

I'm going to try to discover who his ex was by searching court records. She might have some interesting info for me to pass on to W

if you want to find out everything about him go to intelius.com you can find anything you want about anyone at this site

bbrriiaann,

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I have to call it as I see it and the only reason why your WW wants to move out is so that she can have you out of her mind and make it easier to continue seeing the OM.

If she is truly committed to moving out, I'd suggest that you give serious consideration to implement Plan B which includes NC [no contact] with her until she is truly willing to commit to rebuilding the marriage and follow an MB like plan of marital recovery. With Plan B, she is going to get a taste of what reality will be like without you in her life to fulfill ANY of her EN[emotional needs]. This will inject a toxic dose of reality into the affair and hopefully speed up its demise. Without Plan B in place, you are only giving her carte blanche to have her cake and eat it to.

TMCM

<small>[ November 30, 2004, 09:44 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

What may seem like a waste of MC is often a way for a couple to see the reality of their decisions.

When FWH and I were contemplating a split, a good friend wanted to come over to 'talk' with us. He talked about his experience with D, his xw, and co-parenting. Gave us some advice and tips on how to do it and stay civil. I must say I was a bit resentful, how dare he assume we were heading that way, but it was VERY helpful in looking at my H and realizing I didn't want to go there...it was a does of reality.

That is what the MC sometimes does too, a dose of reality. They don't want to see a D, but they want you to have all the facts before you step into the situation, and go in with your eyes open (and hope to turn you around?)


Great that your W has changed her heart, this is a tough time, one of possible relapse. She is a newly clean addict and the drug is calling her name...

Like an ex-addict, they have to go to extreme precautions to get over withdrawal...can't associate with the same friends, or in the same spots, making yourself accountable to others, etc. What ideas does she have?

If she waffles, or gets back on the track of wanting to leave, be very clear with her you will be friends for only a short itme until you are convinced there is no hope (still seeing OM, not working on M) and then you will NOT be friends with her. The WS wants to know they always have you to fall back on, be clear that you will NOT be there for her after you have given up, and you are close now...

And about Plan B? there is no moving into it slowly...Plan A your HEART out until the last day, then the Plan B Letter, and it shold come as a surprise. The WS will feel withdrawal pains from you, and guess what, it is harder to deal with this pain than withdrawal from OP (especially if you have done a stellar Plan A).

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I have to call it as I see it and the only reason why your WW wants to move out is so that she can have you out of her mind and make it easier to continue seeing the OM.

This is a tough one. She is wondering if by moving out on her own, she can find herself without having to check into the local mental health clinic...she is that bad right now. And this doesn't mean that you aren't also right TMCM.


I don't have any advice - I'm not smart enough. Just wanted to say hello and to tell you to keep doing as you have been doing. Time for a nervous breakdown later eh?

IQ has nothing to do with wisdom...just imagine if acedemics ruled the world...nice to here from you BTW.


Great that your W has changed her heart, this is a tough time, one of possible relapse. She is a newly clean addict and the drug is calling her name...

Her heart has been changed but the habit of change hasn't set in...it's too soon. She was a positive b1tch this am which is out of character these days. My sister (her best friend) are spending the day together (first time since D-day). Sis is staunchly loyal to me. She wanted to know if I minded seeing bruises on WW!

I agree with all of you that moving out would make it easier to continue the A. I BELIEVE that isn't the reason she's doing it.

Time will tell. Did I say all ready this sucks.......?

bbrriiaann

TMCM,

I don't believe she is leaving to get closer to OM...she is going to get closer to herself without having to deal with the constant reminder of the situation by having me around. The downside is in order to get a high ratio mortgage we need to have a legal seperation. That worries me. With a Seperation in place, plus her out of the house, Plan B starts. I'm pretty gregarious by nature and in Plan B I've got to protect myself from further pain. I WILL be out with people...I can't and won't sit by the phone hoping it will ring! We will both be hopefully healing but what are the risks of me distancing myself from her and not wanting her back? My gut reaction is the Seperation is the slippery slope.
I do love her and expected to go through old age together. I guess I have a couple of concerns. Rebound relationships never work out for anyone...how do you know if you are in one or getting close to one? How do you know when you are your own person again?
I can't even think of other questions right now. But I will.