I don't want to spend any more of my time on this guy than I have to, so I just kinda winged it.
Ok, so... it's not a work of literary genius, but I think it sorta has a ring to it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I'm intending it to be an email. FYI, W and I are separated.

Comments anyone? Too threatening? Too wimpy?
The "please" word makes me a bit nauseous, but...


OM's_Name,

I love my wife very much, and I intend to do everything necessary to save my marriage.
To that end, I expect you to back away from (my wife) immediately and permanently.

If anything I've said is unclear, I'm more than willing to meet with you in person to clarify things.

Please acknowledge receipt of this message.

My_Name

Well I for one am in the same boat as you, But my ww's OM won't even meet me...he hides in his house and calls the police on me. and then meets my wife a couple days later..This OM has no strings and is not married.. I plan on exposing the affiar by dropping off letter's throughout his area where he lives and works and see's if he gets the hint. if not he should get pretty upset and wanna meet me, at least thats what i'm hoping for..

To that end, I expect you to back away from (my wife) immediately and permanently.
Expect in one had, poop in the other and see which hand fills up first... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Change it to, "I am waiting to give my wife that chance."

If anything I've said is unclear, I'm more than willing to meet with you in person to clarify things.
Cold be construed as a threat. Leave it out.

Please acknowledge receipt of this message.Why would/should he acknowledge he received this?

<small>[ November 23, 2004, 05:40 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

I don't know.... some guys reading this would think the "prize" is more highly valued than they thought. It might just make him more determined to hang on to your wife.

I agree with Chris about the threat. You do NOT want anything that can be construed as a threat be taken to the local police for a restraining order.

maybe take a few deep breaths and perhaps the need to write might pass. At any rate, give it a lot more thought before you send it. Coming here was a good idea.

Wait and see what others have to say.

~ Snow

tqt:

You really ought 2 just customize a form letter, like one of those on www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com on their discussion forum under infidelity, right near the top of the thread list.

Keep it respectful but firm. Don't offer 2 meet him in person, as you want him out of your life, not invite him further in. Take out the part about requesting an acknowledgement of receiving your message for the same reason.

Send a copy 2 your W. Send a copy 2 his W (if he's married), and 2 his boss (if he's not).

-ol' 2long

I agree....Keep reading other posts and see if it may help you. there are quite a few vets here that can help you through this.

tqt,

I too, was in the same situation almost 6 months ago. Chris-ca123 gave me some sage advice. Leave the OM out of this equation, it will do you no good to send a letter to him. I ignored Chris's advice and sent the letter. I have not heard from the little coward as Chris predicted even though I pleaded to his sense of decency.

Chris had it correct when he said if this man had decency, he would not have gotten involved with a married woman. Don't waste your time beyond exposure. It only takes you away from the important task at hand, saving your M.

Thanks to all of you.

Between the current state of my particular situation, and my stress level, I admit I'm feeling panicky right now, which makes me want to do SOMETHING proactive.

That aside, I thought the Harleys recommended confronting the OM(?)

I've met this guy (OM) a couple times in the past. I can easily imagine him being the kind of guy who, with the right kind of pressure, will let out a little whimper, put his tail between his legs, and slither away.

The "acknowledge receipt" part was kind of an afterthought. Since this would be sent as an email, and sent as "return receipt requested," it's just a matter of the idiot clicking his mouse telling me he received the email. I was just thinking it might be an easy way to make sure he actually received and read it.

Now then - I first spoke to OM on D-day. He kindly gave me some marriage advice....I was pretty messed up so didn't know how to respond.

Contact continued so whatever I said didn;t work.

THEN I found proof of PA in his handwriting and my Squid must have told him. He begged me ( though her) not to send it to his GF.

( bear in mind that by this time I had already told OM GF about the A but without proof and she was half believing OMs and my FWWs denials.)

I responded with an email that said I would have no reason to ever contact anyone in his family ever again for any purpose if he never threatened my family again. I asked him to give me his reply.

I got no reply so when his GF asked for my physical proof two weeks later I sent it.

He contaced my Squid a week later. He wanted sympathy from her over his estranged son's death.

I wrote him and gave him some of my research research.

His registered charity number, the contacts of the complaints procedure in his sport, the addresses and phone numbers of his sporting superiors, the section of the karate federation rulebook about 'impropriety', examples and contacts concerning his counterfeit CD and DVD operation, contacts and examples of his 'cipped' cable box operation and lots more.
I said ( not thretened) that anything other than a call to dump Squid finally would make me unleash all these nukes which would effectively destroy him, and maybe get him a short jail term.

According to his GF he vomited with fear when he got this letter.

Two sleepless nights and days later he called my Squid and told her to "f'k off and leave me alone - its over".

OM GF says he still lives in fear of my evidence and my wrath.

Now then, I cannot say this tale is a 'poster exmple' for contacting OP as there are too many other variables in this mess, but OM has been uber-dark since then.

Asking OP to stay away is frankly pathetic. Why should he? I regret ever doing that now.

However if you can offer a reason other than moral rectitude that OP should stay away ( without threatening) it may be useful as it appears to have been in my situation.

I have given a lot of thought to contacting the OM (who I know, btw) and have concluded that there is NOTHING to be gained and everything to be lost.
The OM knows he is splitting apart a marriage but continues in the A anyways. Any indication from you that he is getting under your skin is only going to feed his EGO. How can that help you?
A worst case scenario is a slanging match ensueing and that could very easily be turned around so you look bad. Hardly a thought that I'd look forward to.
In my case, I'm working on finding out everything I can about him. I want to be able to expose him as the serial cheater that I'm convinced he is and find out how many other marriages he has infiltrated.
Personally I think the only contact with the OM should be through a letter from both you and your W demanding no more contact.
Good luck getting that kind of a committment from her in her state.

bbrriiaann

tqt - as you know, I believe there can be more good than harm in contacting him. As you can see, not all agree with this.

The purpose for this, in my view, is to make sure OM knows your intentions to save your marriage - to contradict things your wife might have told him - and to communicate that you're taking a stand.

2long's suggestion is good - check out the form letter on SYMC. Other than that, I like the original, with consideration to the "threat" comments from others, and delete the reply request.

WAT

Thanks for everyone's thoughts.

I have two threads going, and I feel the two starting to merge together, so I'll let this thread fade away and jump over to the other one... sorry for the confusion


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=034261;p=3

I thought the Harleys recommended confronting the OM(?)
No confrontations.
Harley recommends letting the OP know that you do not want a divorce/separation and you want are trying to save your marriage.
Oftentimes, the ws will ie to the op about hwta is really going on at home. This will let tthem know the facts.