Ok, any thoughts on exposing my ww A... I have not told any of her friends and family, She has been banned from using her work phone because her co-workers got upset over her talking to another man. They all know and seem to like me and my children. So my question is in two parts.

1) should I expose her A to Family, Friends and co-workers?

2) On exposing the Om, I want to write a blanket letter that I can send to all of his friends and family and was even going to drop in each door around his home so his neighbors no they have a predetor in the area..LOL also was going to paper all of the work trucks where he works...Included in my letter would be his name and address and phone number..LOL


So any thoughts on this?

I'd hold off on putting his full name, address, phone number, etc... out in the general public. He could get your for harrassment or libel.

If your wife is still in the affair, the point of exposure is to help bring an end to the affair. So who are the critical people who might put pressure on your WW and OM?

Sounds like your WW's co-workers already are on your side. Other than her boss, who might NOT be in on the office gossip, there doesn't seem much fruit in exposing her at work.

What about OMs boss? You can point out that company resources may be being wasted as he pursues your wife and that the boss might want to check company cell phone records for your wife's numbers, which you provide. Does he punch a clock? Suggest the boss investigate this guy's long lunches of late.

As for family, I always advise telling only those family members who you know can "forgive and forget." For instance, if your sister has never really liked your wife, it might harm your recovery more than help it. If your dad, on the other hand, can rejoice with you if your wife gets her act together, then perhaps he will be a good support.

As for friends, hers or yours, the same above applies. I told one of my closest friends and it has taken her a long time to forgive my husband! Telling your WW's friends can be very helpful, though, as she has probably lied to them, too. If there is a moral one in the bunch, she or he might be able to talk some sense into your wife.

But seriously, Michael, drop the "paper the neighborhood" thing... It could make many messier messes than you are able to deal with at this time.

~ Snow

<small>[ November 23, 2004, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

Michael,

Why not rent a billboard and put up a color photo of them doing it?? Or pay for a one page ad in the large, daily metro newspaper which is distributed to the entire population of your town and his?? I mean, come on! EXPOSE!!!

HEEHEE!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Okay, obviously I am being sarcastic, but sometimes those minorly evil revenge thoughts are a tiny bit fun, aren't they??

Michael, in real life this exposure is about You and Her, not about OM (although he is an involved third party). Thus, it is appropriate to expose to the friends you two have as a couple, co-workers you have and she has who "need to know", to your family and her family, to your paster or minister--in other words to people who know you as a couple and who are likely to be able to assist you in working with your WW to help her see the value of her marriage. You tell friends so they can tell her "what the heck are you doing?" and so they can support you in getting through this. You tell co-workers (yours and hers) so they will understand why your production is down and you seem pre-occupied; some co-workers are also "friends". You tell your family and her family so that her parents can tell her "what the heck are you doing" and "you weren't raised that way" and so your family can be there for you. You may be surprised to find out that your own parents have had marital difficuties of their own and they may have wisdom for you! You tell your pastor or minister so they can offer your WW wise counsel about the spiritual aspects of her choices--sometimes WS's will listen to a preacher (of course, sometimes NOT)!!

A proper way to expose is very similar to the proper way to write an NC letter--keep it short, factual, and to the point. Do not put in a lot of your "feelings" or what you think OM should do or WW should do or any of that. Just the facts.

"I have some sad news that I think you need to know. (WW) is having an affair with another man, I have proof of their affair, and she has not denied it. At this time I want to save our marriage and I am working hard to keep our family together; however, at this time CPS is also investigating our family for child neglect so that I may have to protect the kids and myself and separate ourselves from her actions for the kids' sake. I truly do not believe it is in our children's best interests to be taken from our home. I would appreciate your support as I attempt to save our marriage and family."

See how it's factual and to the point--not dragging out whole A and your feelings about the OM, etc.? And see how you don't disrespect your WW or the OM? And finally, see how you ask for their support?

Hang in there man. This is the hardest part. Be a hero, and step up to the plate.


CJ

(I've send this post to your other thread as well):

Mschluter,

From what I’ve read on these boards, exposure is a very powerful tool in an attempt to stop an A and safe the M. I think you heading the right way with this... There are many threads and posts on this forum regarding exposure and if you need advice on this, I will post you some links/posts:

Here is a post Starfish* once send on exposure and I think it is a very good guideline:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Exposure is one of the strongest and most necessary parts of ending affairs....especially when NC cannot be established or affairs have become entrenched. The right time to do it is Plan A. Why? Because in Plan B....it is viewed far more as revenge, sour grapes and simply vindictive. When you are actively trying to save your marriage is when you should expose.

The model of exposure I like best is done in steps. Because exposure is so traumatic...and can cause huge withdrawals...do the exposure that is necessary. Is the OM married...if so...then exposure begins with his wife. Wat and I recently discussed this....he called it a model of concentric circles:

At the center is the WS....they are the first to be told what you know and how you know it. Just outside of that circle is the other BS (if there is one). Together...they are the first line of defense against no contact. If contact ends....exposure goes no farther. If contact continues after it has been revealed to them....close family (parents, siblings on both sides) plus a trusted pastor or priest... are the next circle. If contact ends...it goes no further. If contact resumes, close friends/neighbors who are also friends of the marriage would be informed. If contact still continues....the last circle are work and church.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ November 24, 2004, 03:01 AM: Message edited by: Suzet* ]</small>

Mike

Just know that everyone who knows now will know for EVER even if your W soon regrets VERY MUCH the affair and fallout from it.

I exposed only to OM GF, my best friend and my brother. And I had to tell my boss who was WONDERFUL having been a BS herself.

I am very glad too - as we recover our lives there is almost no-one we expect judgment from when we socialise with them.

I find that workmates just consider this news to be this week's gossip and do nothing to effect a cessation of the affair.

All blessings

<small>[ November 24, 2004, 03:43 AM: Message edited by: Bob Pure ]</small>

Ok I see your point.

My concern is that on my last conversation with OM he pretty much laughed at me and told me there was nothing I could do. He told me as long as ww keeps coming he will keep taking. I of course drove over to his home and he then called the police who just told me to leave.

OM has no GF or Wife..He is a single guy who works in the area. I just felt that if I papered his homes area with a basic letter of his conduct it might just make him reconsider and stop taking her calls. I even had hoped that a talk with his Boss might do dsome good but I don't know if that will go well, So I thought maybe do the same thing with his work area..

This of course would contain no threats just fact of his doing's and my quest to save my marriage and for him to back off and stop taking her calls.

MSc, in that case I would make sure he had an accident. Not PC but thats the case, sorry. I am no saint.

I can only get thorugh this cr@p to some extent because OM fears me.

I agree with you, WW told me if anything happens to OM she will walk away and never talk to me or the kids again. I feel like she is using my love as a bargain tool. I truly feel the need to wipe the earth clean of this OM. He talks a good game on the phone but won't meet me anywhere. Just shoots off his mouth.....


I know his work schedule by heart and everything else. I can get to him but fear I may over beat him LOL..

I keep telling WW she is pushing me to far with this and I want to stand by her side and I will. I even told her I understand her pain. She really does want to try but she just fluctuates. I feel if I really embarrass this coward he will back off and if I should run into him at the local store and a little exchange happensd I might get him scared enough to back off.

Mike - see this thread: Affair Exposure 101

If OM isn't married, I'd recommend not spending any time exposing him. His friends likely already know he's a dirtbag and there's chance for more harm than good trying to expose him further.

I believe exposure should be accomplished in expanding, concentric circles. Start close in - immediate family on the WS side and OP's spouse, family on the OP side. If there are no "targets" close in, move out to the next circle. But each circle has diminishing returns.

Your wife's threat to you - if anything happens to OM - is classic fig latin and should be ignored. This doesn't mean you ought to go after him. If you've communicated to him already that you intend to preserve your family, that's all he needs to know. You owe him no more of your time for he is not worthy of it.

Another thought -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mschluter:
<strong>WW told me if anything happens to OM she will walk away and never talk to me or the kids again.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did she really include the kids in this threat?

This is a very important tidbit of info. It helps define her level of delusion and adiction.

WAT

Yes she did make that comment,

My WW walked out on me and the kids about three weeks ago. My children were so distrought over the situation that they went to school the next day a total wreck and started talking to teachers and other staff at there schools.

That same night we recieved a visit from Child Protective Services investigating a claim against my wife of

1) child Endangerment -- Threw a cup of coffee at me hitting my Daughter in the process

2) Child Neglect -- Spent more time on the phone with OM then watching kids

3) Child Abandenment -- Walked out on kids and me.


All of these things were the stuff the CPS worker read to my wife. She talked with my wife, Me and the kids all seperatly.

It scared my wife pretty bad, esecially when the CPS worker told my wife that if she continues on this path of an affair and not working to make her children better they would pull the kids from the home.

It has now been a week and I think she has had no contact with OM but I think she found out how I was catching her and is avoiding that part of the river right now. what do you advise me to do at this point. I need to get OM to back off or I could lose my children because of her A

Forget OM for now.

You can have a better tool at your disposal - a good attorney.

Have you consulted with an attorney?

If not, get an appointment with one ASAP. Just look in the phone book for starters for an attorney that handles domestic and children issues. Alternatively, get a referral from the CPS worker you interacted with.

You are in the driver's seat here. Your wife has more chance of losing her children than you do. Your wife is already in deep do do and you need to protect yourself and your kids. Hopefully, this step may bring a dose of reality to your wife.

Most important item for you - stay on the straight and narrow high road. DO NOT interact with OM. He'll get his due. Interaction with him can only lead to trouble for you.

WAT

<small>[ November 24, 2004, 10:58 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Here is the letter I plan on sending to Om's Employer....


Tell me what you think...


Dave Feldman
xxx Main Street
Rochester, NY xxxxx

Dear xxx:

I’m hoping by writing this letter in hopes of making you aware of a situation that does in every way effect your business. You have an employee by the name of xxx who has been having an affair with my wife of 11 years. I have asked this young man to please break any and all contact with my wife. I feel that this may or may not concern you, the simple fact that this employee has met with my wife while on company time and may have even used company assets to make contact with my wife. This employee park’s one of your vehicles outside his home and this is a direct effect on your company name and it’s reputation. I have been advised by my marriage counselor to contact you about this matter in hopes you may want to have a conversation with this employee about the use of company time and company vehicle. I find that most employers have a human resources department and even a small paragraph in there employee handbook about being a direct representation of your company and keeping in good standards with the community. I will also be sending letters to the residents on xxxxxxx home street alerting them of his behavior. I truly am writing this letter in hopes of keeping this young man from making any more contact with my wife. I do not want your company name or employee’s affected by this one employee who has no regard for a sacred marriage and my three children. I hope this letter helps you in keeping your company name in our community up to the standard you have always set. xxx resides at xxxxxx Rochester, Ny xxxxx.
In closing I hope this has no effect on your companies good name.


Sincerely,
Concerned Husband

<small>[ November 25, 2004, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: Mschluter ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mschluter:
<strong> Here is the letter I plan on sending to Om's Employer....


Tell me what you think...


XXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dear Mr. XXXXXXXXXX:

I’m hoping by writing this letter in hopes of making you aware of a situation that does in every way effect your business. You have an employee by the name of XXXXXX who has been having an affair with my wife of 11 years. I have asked this young man to please break any and all contact with my wife. I feel that this may or may not concern you, the simple fact that this employee has met with my wife while on company time and may have even used company assets to make contact with my wife. This employee park’s one of your vehicles outside his home and this is a direct effect on your company name and it’s reputation. I have been advised by my marriage counselor to contact you about this matter in hopes you may want to have a conversation with this employee about the use of company time and company vehicle. I find that most employers have a human resources department and even a small paragraph in there employee handbook about being a direct representation of your company and keeping in good standards with the community. I will also be sending letters to the residents on XXXXXXXXX home street alerting them of his behavior. I truly am writing this letter in hopes of keeping this young man from making any more contact with my wife. I do not want your company name or employee’s affected by this one employee who has no regard for a sacred marriage and my three children. I hope this letter helps you in keeping your company name in our community up to the standard you have always set. XXXXXXXXXXXXX at XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, XX XXXX.
In closing I hope this has no effect on your companies good name.


Sincerely,
Concerned Husband </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh boy, I shutter to see what the majority here says about all of this. For the record, I think your letter is fabulous and I wouldn't change a word. I would hand deliver it tomorrow at 8 am. Good luck with this.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 26, 2004, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: lemonman ]</small>

Should I send one to the Om so he knows that his little A with my wife may cause him his job, This company he works for has values and has been a part of Rochester History for 95 yrs and even on there web site it says we believe in family..LOL

I'm not so sure about the people in Om's area where he lives, I was just looking to let the employer know that when people see where he works they may not want to do business with this company and that does effect them..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Mschluter:
<strong> Should I send one to the Om so he knows that his little A with my wife may cause him his job, This company he works for has values and has been a part of Rochester History for 95 yrs and even on there web site it says we believe in family..LOL

I'm not so sure about the people in Om's area where he lives, I was just looking to let the employer know that when people see where he works they may not want to do business with this company and that does effect them.. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO, don't worry about him. He needs to face the consequences for F****** with your family.

Ok thanks...

I know the Ww will get upset when she finds out what I have done but I see it as, If she is going to leave then she is going to leave no matter what I do.. Plan A, Plan A

And if she does find out and gets mad then I know she has been in contact all this time and she has found a way through the net that has been cast..

Ok folks here are the letters to Om's workplace and to his Neighbors where he lives: Please tell me what your thoughts are. I talked to an attorney and there is no law preventing me from giving these to his neighbors. I sent an email to his employer, the secretary asked me to please email the owner of this company as he has strong family values and she informed me that this will not be tolerated.

-----------------------------------------------------

Concerned Husband
November 25, 2004


xxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxx Main Street
Rochester, NY xxxxx.


Dear xxxxxxx:

I’m hoping by writing this letter in hopes of making you aware of a situation that does in every way effect your business. You have an employee by the name of xxxx who has been having an affair with my wife for the past seven months. As a family man yourself you can imagine the hurt and pain this has caused my children and myself. I have been with my wife for 11 years and have no wishes to end my marriage but find ways to build on it and make it stronger. I have asked this young man to please break any and all contact with my wife. I feel that this may or may not concern you, the simple fact that this employee has met with my wife while on company time and may have even used company assets to make contact with my wife. This employee park’s one of your vehicles outside his home and this is a direct effect on your company name and it’s reputation. I have been advised by my marriage counselor to contact you about this matter in hopes you may want to have a conversation with this employee about the use of company time and company vehicle. I find that most employers have a human resources department and even a small paragraph in there employee handbook about being a direct representation of your company and keeping in good standards with the community. I will also be sending letters to the residents on xxxxxx home street alerting them of his behavior. I truly am writing this letter in hopes of keeping this young man from making any more contact with my wife. I do not want your company name or employee’s affected by this one employee who has no regard for a sacred marriage and my three children. I hope this letter helps you in keeping your company name in our community up to the standard you have always set. xxxx resides at xxxxxx Rochester, Ny 1xxxx.
In closing I hope this has no effect on your companies good name.


Sincerely,
Concerned Husband


===================================================
Concerned Father and Husband


November 25, 2004
Residents of Marne Street


Dear Residents of Marne Street:


I am writing this letter to inform you that xxx xxx of xxxx street has been asked to discontinue his affair with my wife, who I have three wonderful children with and have been with for almost eleven years now. You ask why I write to you, well how would you feel if it was your spouse involved with this person and you asked him to please stop messing with your life and your marriage. I have vowed that I will do anything within the guidelines of the law to keep this person from ever going near my wife again. It is my civic right to inform you that you have a homeowner in your area that has no morals or concerns for the children involved in the marriage he is ruining. How would you feel if this person was seen talking to your spouse or your loved one? Many of you will understand the pain this person has caused my family and my children. My wife has agreed to stop seeing this person but xxxx refuses to leave her alone and continues to try and contact her any way he can. I’m hoping that you wonderful people of xxxxx will in passing inform this young man of his wrong doing and how he is destroying the lives of three small children. I will as a husband do everything I can to save my marriage and to build it into something that will overcome the evil that xxxx has brought into it. I know I can count on many of you to sit there and wonder how you would feel if this was you and maybe many of you have survived this type of adultery in the past. I have asked xxx on two occasions to break all contact with my wife and he told me he would and yet he lies and continues. He is the worst kind of neighbor you would want and one you should watch very carefully. So residents of xxxxx help me save my marriage and keep this troubled person from hurting my children anymore, let him know you know what he is about and that you dislike his kind. And that you will not tolerate the secrecy of an affair in your good neighborhood. xxxxx works for a company that would allow him access to your home and your spouse, is this? the type of person you want in your home? Near your wife? Near your children? Again I hope you find it in your heart to send this person a letter asking him to see the error in his ways. xxxxx again lives at xxxxxx – Rochester, NY 1xxxx

Sincerely,
Loving Husband & Father

===================================================


Any feedback would be greatly appreciated...

<small>[ November 25, 2004, 07:28 PM: Message edited by: Mschluter ]</small>

Michael,

I posted on your other thread. I recommend you don't send any letters at this time..... you are too angry and it doesn't make you look well. Also it is not proper to put someone's full name and address on a public forum like this.

I understand your frustration and anger but as the BS we must work on a higher level than the WS and OP.

L.

I'm not angry just tired of this person getting away with his games. As long as my letters contain no threats to his well being it is within my rights to send these letters. I have tried everything I can to end this affair and this is about my only hope. I want to put enough pressure on this person to make them worry like I do..Again I apoligize if I was out of line by leaving his name in the letters, it was a small over sight that I dod not notice when I paste and copied them onto my post..