I don't know if I should post here. For whatever reason, the Divorce board just doesn't feel right at this moment, and I know my M is not in "Recovery" - so I thought I would post here.....there are a few FWS's as well as BS's who lurk here.....was hoping I might ask for your thoughts.....

I don't know why, but tonight I went back and read the posts my STBXH made on the Recovery Baord. I don't know....maybe I missed him. Even the really malicious parts of him (and I realize how screwed up that sounds <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ). But reading reminded me of how badly I wanted to save my M. And yet how I still never felt good enough for him. God bless, I felt like I gave him everything I had....but it still wasn't enough.

I am again feeling guilty about the A...A ended approximately 19 months ago (for those who need to know how long the WS carries the guilt). Emotionally, I feel as if I've grown so much. Yet I still in my heart wish that this M could have been salvaged.....Ugh - where is the resurgence of all these feelings coming from?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

On second thought, maybe I went back to read them so that I could feel "punished" again. Lately, he has been civil - definitely not wanting to reconcile, but trying to start "friendly" conversation with me. I am in Plan B, also in the middle of filing, so I do not return any communication aside from business related issues. Yet it's almost like it is backfiring....there are NOT as many LB's from him. He "supposedly" is not "friends" with his EA OW anylonger (so is Plan B even applicable?).....

It's almost like my love bank is stable....I want it to be empty, but I don't feel it going anywhere. I'm so confused. I'm tired, depressed for the holidays, and mourning our M. I have had dreams of crying and grieving the M. It seems as though I can't get away.

So why did I even go back to read those posts....I reopened old wounds. Why? I just feel like I don't understand myself at all right now.....

Sorry so long, and if you made it through this.....thank you. Please give me a 2X4....or two, or three, or four...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Hmm,

This is so encouraging, you really don't know. Sometimes, it amazes me the way things work.

Grass ain't greener. Try to smile, and maybe not push real hard for that divorice...who knows what God is doing! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi, {{{{L.I.T.}}}}

Your ARE okay, you know. You are grieving. That is normal. WHen you expend so much time and energy and then finally have to move on, it still feels like you are crashing your way through life for a while, right?

Just like an old wound, you will pick at it and revisit the pain. I always think that our mistakes are learning experiences. And you should revisit them to make sure you understand what went wrong. That way, you won't do that again. it's that self analysis that makes us grow.

Hang in there. Be good to yourself and take it one step at a time.

I haven't followed your story. Just happened to be lurking a bit over here on GQII where I don't belong because my DV is now final...

I don't think you need a 2x4. I think you need to see yourself in a little better light. You are obviously sorry for what you did and are not continuing the affair. It's in the past. You can't change the past.

I post on here as the BS, because that's what I've been for the past year.

But I was, years ago, a WS. I can blame it on whatever I want...him being an alcoholic, never being home, verbal abuse, whatever. The fact is, I was the one who made the choice to be unfaithful. I was not pressured. I was not under the influence of any drug. I just made a very bad choice. If I think about it, even all these years later, I still get very sick to my stomach and dislike myself very much.

I never had intentions of leaving my H. I was stupid, and weak, and not focused on God, but focused on myself and my own loneliness.

I could go on and on. I could beat myself until I'm blue. But the fact remains--it's in the PAST. Nothing will make it "un-happen".

So instead of focusing on it, I try and remember that Jesus died for me. In God's eyes, I am forgiven. I need to forgive myself and so do you.

As for your marriage ending and your missing your husband, I am now divorced and I still have those thoughts and feelings that resurge from time to time. I don't want him the way he is now. But I've wished my love bank would go dry and it seems to be sort of stuck, like yours.

I don't have any answers for that other than try to avoid things that trigger your emotions if you're feeling low. As for the holidays, I think they will be tough for a LOT of us here on these boards.

No 2x4's to you. Just a hug. ((L.I.T.))

LL

Yup, I feel pretty stupid posting this now.....guess I needed to get on the pity pot and just put down my feelings.

Thank you guys....I suppose sometimes it just helps to get it out.....

Rook-Kev - I won't say it's not possible....but he has emphasized and re-emphasized (amongst the "niceties") that he does not want to work things out. He is certain he will never be able to be with me again b/c of the A.

He is being nicer....but I almost wish he wouldn't. I just don't really want to hear it from him anymore, but he embeds it in the business issues....oddly enough, I don't trust it. There was a lot of emotional manipulation on his part....

But thank you - oddly enough, I have enjoyed reading your last posts because you say things I wished my STBX would have felt for me....and it makes me happy to see people recovering <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Fighting alone again -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it still feels like you are crashing your way through life for a while, right? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You got it.....seems like I have things under control, and then I do things like I did tonight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Almost like I want to revisit the pain. I suppose it's part of moving through it rather than avoiding it.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Sometimes we know what we should be thinking, but when another person says them, it just seems to lift a little more. Really, thank you again.

(((LL)))

Thank you for your kindness.....I have been following your story on the D/D board....I lurk there often. Just don't post much....

And to be quite honest, the fact that you are able to give out love, support, and advice even amongst your dilemma (which is much more complicated than mine) elicits a great amount of respect from me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So instead of focusing on it, I try and remember that Jesus died for me. In God's eyes, I am forgiven. I need to forgive myself and so do you.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I needed this reminder. I needed to remember that I have repented to God....and that I have to remember to work on forgiving myself, for he has. Way back when, it was always Forever Hers who reminded me periodically of this....are you sure you aren't FH's younger sister <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thank you again for your kindness. I wish you all the support in the world. I know you have been struggling as well, and I wish you peace and happiness as well.