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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 188
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am I even in love with this woman? With a clear head last night and this morning, Im sitting here wondering if I even ever loved my W?
When I think back on it, I can see lies all throughout our time together, to other people, who knows how many shes told me. Its not only that, but Ill keep this one short, I just know that I dont NEED her now, nothing good came from us, I gave up who I was to be with her. She did things I was ashamed of and I did nothing about it, mentioned things sometimes, but they were brushed away.
Anyway, I QUIT SMOKING TODAY!! for real this time! I figure every year at Thanksgiving I can be thankful for quitting, again. Ive felt strong the last 2 days. Signing up at the Y today also, this feels "great".
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Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 10,107
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* nods* Yep, been there thought that. Examination is important but yeah, you loved her. Its just that right now it would be convenient if you didn't. I was SURE for a while that I didn't love or care for my W but I stuck with plan A and right now I'm glad I did. Not needing WS is a very empowering state I found. When I realised I no longer NEEDED her but I did WANT her I was released to behave in whole new way.I hope you will be too. BTW cool giving up smoking. Again <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 178
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I have been exactly where you are. Still there for a while every day.
In a lot of ways, I wish I didn't love her...would have been more convenient and easier like Bob said.
But, I do love her and want her. It is a good feeling though, to not necessarily need her...
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 188
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I understand both of those responses, as a matter of fact I was coming back here to edit my post to say that in this state right now, I do love her, the difference between 2 days ago and today is that, if she wanted to come back now, there will be conditions. HMMM....she just called and was chipper as can be, said she only had a min and didnt want me to think she forgot about me, asked if I worked Fri, and told me to make sure I have my phone with me today. Kinda feels like a game now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Trying to figure her out, I know its pointless, but I like puzzles <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> and its almost fun right now lol
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 178
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If you like puzzles, you would love my wife and living with her right now...
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 188
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Posts: 188 |
Yes HH Ive been following your threads, I feel so bad for you right now, you have a heck of a puzzle there, at least she is still living there for now and you sound like a very strong person through all of this, its because of people like you and others here, that Ive found strength, Thank you.
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Joined: Sep 2004
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by my own experience and through reading these threads, it's a pretty common response.
The feeling that you CAN and WILL live w/o you WS (or S) is indeed empowering. The feeling that you'd prefer not to is, too! - Like you said, now you have the courage to make conditions (boundaries) and you know you can stick to them! It returns some of your self-respect, doesn't it?
Also, you may want to find noodles' thread about the BS fog. That one really helped me through my own embarrassment of some of the idiot things I thought, felt, did in the first weeks after DD.
Isn't this a great place? Here, we are never alone....
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Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 188
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
Isn't this a great place? Here, we are never alone.... [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It sure is, If it wasnt for this website I probably would have pushed her all the way away by now. It is very empowering to feel like things will be on your terms, or no terms, feels better than groveling for an "I still love you" or something.
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