Something is seriously wrong with me. I have a wonderful husband. Before I had an affair, no one would have ever believed it would happen to us. My husband made plenty of large deposits in my emotional bank and every other aspect. I cheated with several guys over the course of a little over a year, (after losing a large amount of weight) got caught, went to counseling AND Sex Addicts Anon. I didn't think I was a sex addict so I quit going. Things seemed fine, and just 3 months later, I was having another affair. This time I left my husband for the other guy and then after about 4 months I decided I wanted my husband back. I followed everything Dr. Harley said to do to get your spouse to fall in love with you again and it worked, we went to marriage counseling, things seemed awesome and then about a year and a half later- I DID IT AGAIN!

This time, though, after the first time I had "S" with the other man, I knew I had to nip it in the bud and I did. I confessed "Part" of the story to my husband, by giving him all of the guys information, telling him that I was falling for the guy and I just wanted him (my spouse) to keep me in check before anything happened. He was skeptical and thought I probably had already cheated, but I lied and denied it. I ended the relationship and wanted my husband to make me accountable. Recently, though, I felt the need to finally tell him the whole truth about what happened (It's been 9 months since the affair)
His concern is that every time he thinks we are secure, I yank the rug out from under him and what is to keep me from coming to him two years from now with another story of an affair? It's a valid argument and how can I refute it? I told him last time that it would never happen again. The ONLY difference this time is that I confessed of my own accord. That is a big step for me. Also the fact that I chose to stop it as soon as something happened. I had never done that before either.

I guess my concern and question is~ am I just a cheat or am I a sex addict? I don't feel like a sex addict and the affairs are not FOR sex, but at the same time, I can't think of anything I gain from these other guys that I don't already get from my husband. He meets all of my needs as far as I can see. My husband is attractive, forgiving, loving, gives me praise all of the time, etc. He doesn't deserve a spouse like me. I am not worthy- and to make matters worse, I am pregnant and he wonders if the baby is his. I assured him that there was a huge time gap between the affair and when I got pregnant and I really want him to get a DNA test, just do he NEVER doubts he is the father and treats this child any differently than he does our first son.

The only answer I can give that makes me think I won't do this again is that I definitely have a different spiritual life now that I have never had before and I have also formed a very close relationship with my son that I never did before, because I was too busy cheating. My husband and I are doing really great, so I feel like this could never happen again, but I said that last time.

I feel doomed.

This is a tough situation, and not surprised you're not getting too many responses, because there are no easy answers.

There is a question I asked myself and my H last night...if he were to die tomorrow, what would you regret you did not do more of with him while he was alive?

I'm not sure anyone has any of the answers that will rival the answers contained within yourself.

Do you find you are a busy person, not still for a moment? If so, it is time to stop for a while and sit and think about your answers... Does that help? Or is there something more?

Often pain in our life is caused by knowing what the right thing to do is, or the answer to the question, but we don't want to do it...

Sorry to throw it back at you...but what is the answer?

Hello mismindles,

I hope you realize that this problem you have with other men goes way beyond Infidelity,your's is a complex situation.You really need to be in counseling to find out what is going on inside YOU.This will include your past history with parents,family,friends,growing up,any past abuse,everything.Something more than just a one time cheat fest is going on.You are looking to possibly fill some void or need in the wrong way and it shows no sign of stopping.

I can understand why you feel doomed but don't think for one second that you can try to figure this all out on your own or even by just repeatedly going back to your H.And,I can't honestly say how he has had the strength to go through this over and over with you.Once is just plain horrific.

The first step to any addiction such that you may have is realizing there is one and getting professional help.You can't quit this time ok? I don't know how long you went before or how it turned out but it obviously wasn't enough or even helpful.You are still exhibiting these bad behaviors.Time to check in again.

Also,I hope you were using protection against STD's all this time and with so many men.Please seek help and stop this behavior,especially now that you are pregnant.You have another life,besides your H,that will count on you to be making the right decisions.

One last thought: perhaps you can take the time to keep a journal and start writing about your experience and see if at some point you see a correlation to all these experiences you have had.How they made you feel,etc.Sex obviously has SOME importance here or you wouldn't be doing it,right? Focus on not what you gain from OM but the feelings and thoughts YOU have/get before and after you enter into these A's.

Good luck.

O

<small>[ November 24, 2004, 10:39 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Have you ever heard of the following concepts?

Free will

Responsibility

Self-control

Conscious thought

There is no way of shifting the blame. Why don't you just stop doing it?

'Sex addict' is a poor excuse.

Are you POSITIVE the baby is your husband's?

Hi MM,

Get yourself to a group meeting... see if anything they say rings true. Can't hurt, might help. Good luck - Dru


SA Support Groups

I know I deserve harshness and I am actually glad I'm getting it. I have been to counseling at one point for a few months and that was DURING the time I left H. I have heard the argument that sex addict is just an excuse. I can't say that part of me doesn't agree, although I met some pretty deranged people there, people who weren't even cheating, and for them, I see it as completely an addiction, but I didn't consider myself one of them. I am not trying to make excuses. I wanted people to be honest with me and I knew that most of the people who post here are the betrayed spouse, so they would have little compassion for me. That's good for me. Even counselors don't get rude with you and I think I need that.
My husband printed out 25 pages of Dr. Harley's answers to Infidelity and for the most part it was a view from the betrayed spouse's side. I had never seen it from that perspective. I have read all through this forum and see the pain it causes and how selfish people like me are. I want to go back to counseling, but I think that scares my H. He will think that if I am going, that I must think I'm going to do it again and if he thinks that, he probably WILL leave.

And in answer to the question- Am I sure it's really his baby? YES- I have no doubt. I nipped the affair in the bud in February, haven't been with anyone else since then besides my H and I got pregnant in April.

Another thing I did not go into was that during the time I left my H, he went burserk and dated and slept with several women (understandably so) who he lied to and juggled back and forth, all the while, we were still sleeping together as well and talking about getting back together. He would lie to me too, but I think it was all my fault that he did those things, so I never blamed him, but in answer to the question, How does he put up with it? One affair is bad enough! Well that's how he dealt with it. Yes-we used protection and I have been tested and I have nothing.

Hi again,

Some of us may be "harsh" or give you some tough "love" but we don't want you to feel uninvited.I personally just think that you have quite a lot on your plate that we probably cannot help with in the best way.That is not to say that you couldn't come here and talk about what you are going through.Of course you can.

So now that you told us that your H also slept around,I just want you to know that it wasn't your fault that your H also made the decison to cheat,and cheat it was.Two wrongs DON'T make a right.I know he was hurting but adultery is never the answer to anything and all he did was hurt himself and those other women if they didn't know he was married.A lot of hurt going around.

Also,don't fool yourself into thinking that your WH will leave you if your enter counseling.I don't undersatnd that train of thought.If anything,he should be proud to see you trying to change your behavior and make things better.He should be in counseling too I might add.You especially need to figure out why you behave why you do.Even if your WH scoffs at that,go anyway.You need to do this for you,whether or not you both stay together.

O

mismindles,

Welcome to MB and while you may feel that some of the posters comments are harsh they are for the most part a form of tough love that is for your benefit.

There are quite a few FWW [former wayward wives] here [Finally Learning, Knewbetter, etc.] who are good people that offer great insight and support to both WS and BS. The one I recommend that you seek out is Finally Learning because she also had multiple affairs and she can totally relate to your situation.

Lastly, you may want to consider visiting our resident MB coach Cerri [Penny R Tupy] website at Save Your Marriage Central. Penny is an expert on infidelity [she is a certified coach] and can also relate to your situation [she is both a FWW and BW]. I beleive you would benefit enormously from her counsel.

Remember that ANY type of recovery, personal or marital, is a one day at a time process. It does you and your H no good to try to speed it up by becoming obsessed about the future. If both of you concentrate on today and celebrate the little daily victories, eventually you will celebrate the biggest victory of all, and that will be your full recoveries.

P.S. I like to recommend that you read the late Dr Shirley Glass's last book 'Not Just Friends' in which she shows how even happily married couples can fall prey to infidelity and what are the things a couple should do to avoid doing so.

I would guess, Mismindles, that this isn't about sex -- you are probably addicted to the endorphin high you get from a new relationship. The excitement, the thrill, the enormous rush of well-being. Yes?

mismindles,

Some people who go to SAA (SexAholics Anonymous) participate in sexual activities or in a number or amount that would be perceived as "perverted." For example, maybe they masterbate 200 times a day--or maybe they go out with hookers in the druggie part of town--or maybe they want to have sex with children. To the relatively "sexually normal" society, those things would sound "perverted" huh? And when you went to SAA and heard some of THOSE kind of stories, your mind said, "Well GEEZ I'm not THAT kind of sick pervert!"

mismindles, sexual addiction means that somehow there is sex activity in your life that is harming, disrupting, or stopping the normal activities in your life, AND even when you want to or try to stop, you can't. You CRAVE it even when you know it is harmful to you. Do you affairs harm your life? Do your affairs disrupt your life? Do your affairs stop or affect the normal activities in your life?? Then you may be sexually addicted.

However, I have to tell you that I suspect that with you, it's not so much SEXUAL addiction as it is SEX/LOVE addiction. The difference between the two is that sex addicts are addicted to the physical act of sex; sex/love addicts are addicted to looking for love, and somehow have linked in their head that love=sex. Thus, in the attempt to look for and pursue "love"--they keep looking for "sex." And then when they have the sex that is supposed to mean "love" and it doesn't--they feel empty.

Not always, but often a sex/love addict was sexually abused as a child or young person, and that damages a person's definition of what sex and love mean. For example, if you dad or older brother touched you when you were young, in your head you grew up thinking that people who "love" you have "sex" with you or touch you. So, now that you're older, you start to feel a bit unloved or unimportant (whatever) and you look for someone to touch you. Afterward, you say to yourself, "That wasn't love. I don't feel any more loved."

If Sex/Love Addiction maybe sounds closer to what you're experiencing, then look for an SLAA group in your area. Here's a link:

Sex Love Addicts Home Page

Keep talking to us. I think we can really help. And BTW, I was a Betrayed Spouse (BS) myself, and my exH was a sex addict or sex/love addict. I identify with your husband strongly--yet I learned a lot about SAA and SLAA. Being the BS, it really hurts and a lot of times, when a BS responds on here, they are responding out of their own hurt. So just keep that in mind.


CJ