I have read several posts here from FWW/FWH who are now helping others and am now seeking some help for my H. I used to post on the P/C board, but haven't been there for a while.

Here is the short version of my story. It all started about a year ago when my WH began his A w/ a coworker. Unknown to me, they had had an A 4 years prior, but ended it so H "could do the right thing" and stay home with his family. From what I understand, they avoided each other for those 4 years, but then one night they were out with other coworkers and it all started again. My WH was in and out of our home through the months of Dec 03 and Jan 04. He would leave, be with her, then come home. It was around this time that I found MB. Explained to him that A's are addictions and that he needed to just stay away from OW in order to end it. One day, I came home from work and H said he was leaving again. Said he needed to find out for himself if it was an addiction. He lived with her for approximately 2 or 3 weeks. Early Feb., he is telling me it was a mistake and wanted to come home. On Feb 6,H told me the OW was pregnant. H says he had basically decided to move home when he found this out and was confused. So he decided to move into an apartment to "sort his thoughts". Said we would begin dating and see if we can make a new start. H was back and forth for a while. Was even caught taking OW on weekend trip. I confronted OW and told her H and I were still very much "together". This caused huge problems between H and OW. After awhile, H and I really began working on our marriage. Things were going really well for us. Several times, he implied he was thinking of moving home. We have been so close so many times to making this work - so I thought. The last few months of OW's pregnacy, H had little contact with her. He was becoming his old self. He would say things like he couldn't believe he about lost his marriage over her. He began to see how she manipulated the situation and saw her for what she was.

Now fast forward to 9/27, OC is born and OW calls to tell H. He immediately goes to the hospital after I return home from work. We had discussed over and over again how if we were going to have contact with the OC, then it had to be done together. Well, he goes to the hospital alone, which I was really okay with. But since then, he is now visiting the OC at the OW's house alone. OW does not want me involved because I will "resent the OC" and possibly "harm the OC". These are things that would never happen, and my H knows this. I see the OC as an innocent victim in all this - just like my kids and me. However, things continue to spiral downhill in my M quickly. H and I talked about the need for a paternity test and having V and CS set up legally. I just found out that H wrote a check to OW for child support before all the legal stuff is complete. H is now again very distant from me and is confused about how he feels. I know this is because he is in contact with OW again.

This past weekend after I found out that H wrote this check, I called him and confronted him. I pretty much told him all I felt. He now spends little time with me again and I just know it is a matter of time before the A starts again. I can't do this anymore. I am so tired. It just seems like everytime we make progress in healing our marriage, something else happens and all is lost. I really don't know how my H feels about me at all other than confused. He wrote me a letter that basically says that he just feels too guilty for what he has done and that is why he doesn't spend time with me. Everytime he looks at me he is consumed with his guilt. He really can't believe he has a child with another woman and doesn't see how things can work for us. He is not even giving us a chance. So, I guess his solution is to spend more time with the OW and OC. He also says he doesn't understand how an A can be an addiction and doesn't understand what is meant by "being in a fog". He reads here occasionally trying to figure things out, but has not posted. I have encouraged him to seek help from the FWS's here.

All along the way, I was pro saving our M. I have realized the errors I have made in our M that helped lead to this A. I have Plan A'd his butt off, meeting his EN, etc. I have made an sincere effort all along the way and am now just very frustrated.


So, after this long post, I guess what I need is some advice about how I can help him work through this guilt. Or even advice to him about what he should do. I will let him know I posted this, so please if there is anything any of you can suggest to help us I would greatly appreciate it!!

Thanks for reading and any advice. I will try to check back later when the boss is gone.

Kris

<small>[ November 24, 2004, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: KrisM ]</small>

bump

Bumping - Still looking for help!!

Kris,

I gather you know about Momto3boys and the drama played out here and on the Dr Phil show by her H. What does your H think about that? Does he see himself or pieces of it?

He is fog babbling and you can tell him I said so. Just by the mere numbers (# of children, # of years together, etc.), your family outweighs any claim by the OW and OC. That's where the fog logic looks stupid.

How are your children? You can bet that the OW wants a piece of your family's action. Whatever it is, she wants to obliterate you and make it her own. She is a hoodlum and is giving lessons to this young child by her very example.

Give him the picture that if he wants to associate with a hoodlum over you and your family, then you will go to plan B. Since he is already familar with MB, he knows the importance of it. After all, children are quick learners and yours are older so if he associates with a hoodlum, it is just a matter of time when he will bring those habits home to your children.

Did you read 3isacrowds post? Her 10 year old son gave his dad (xws) a good talking to..... he did it better than many BS and MCs! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have your H take a look at what that wise young man had to say. Your children may have just as much to say.

L.

Thanks Orchid for the response.

Yes, I am familiar with M23B story and saw the second show. My H did not watch the shows, but was strongly encouraged by a friend to read about it on the internet. I don't know if he ever did. I must say though - my H and I have never had the arguments and demeaning comments like them. I have seen remorse from my H and I believe with all my heart our M can survive this.

The kids are doing well for the most part. There are times when my DS comes to me with questions and has tears in his eyes because dad is not home. He is so sensitive. He is also having some minor behavior problems at school which I am afraid might be caused by the anxiety of the situation. For a while, my DD was throwing some major tantrums. These have stopped, but she has slept with me at night from the beginning because she is afraid to be alone.

They still see H just about everyday. We work different shifts and he watches the kids after school until I get home. And they really have been use to him not being home at night because that is when he works. So, time with dad is not all that different. But they are aware he lives in an apartment and that is confusing to them. They do not know about the OC yet. I wanted a paternity test done first. However, H has no doubt and does not understand why I want this done.

I did see the post by 3isacrowd. I saw the ages of her kids in her signature line and I can very well see this happening with my DS one day. He is not shy about asking questions and giving his opinion!

I just wish there was someway I can fix this for them. They want their dad home so badly. I really think that if H would get help dealing with the guilt he is feeling, then we would certainly have a chance.

Thanks again.
Kris

Kris,

When my son was 6 years old, he asked to write them composed (on his own) a 4 sentence letter to his at the time WS dad. He made 2 statements and gave 2 questions.

Through the fog, those arms of love smacked the WS between the eyes. But even that was not enough to end the A (at that time). It did make an impression on the WS though and through it, my H was affected (I see the WS and H as 2 different characters). The Ws/H kept that letter with him and we still have it now.

My son never knew all the details but he knew enough to know that his father left our family and that was a no no. He learned the word divorce and it made him upset. He doesn't remember all of it now but sometimes I see his pain. I answered his questions and welcomed open comunication. Sometimes I directed him to his father and said his father is the one who needs to explain his own feelings to our son.

So that is why my son wrote that letter. In it he asked: Why did you move out and why do you want to divorce my mom? Then he said he missed his dad and he loved him. Quite a lot for a 6 year old.

Encourage your children to speak their mind. They usually do on most other topics and this one for them should not be any different.

Your H needs to own up to his actions.

JMHO,
L.