I just received the following email from one of my closest male friends.

"umm yea.. maybe what I say is not appropriate.. But it's what I feel in my heart.. So if that's not appropriate then so be it.

You know something.. I have feelings for you, and will openly admit it. It makes my stomach turn to know that your husband has been cheating on you. But it REALLY makes me sick to know that you're
tolerating it. How can you honestly sit there and say that you're giving your marriage a chance then in the same sentence tell me how upset you are when you wake up in the morning and evening.. You tell me that you can't even take a shower without wondering if he's calling his "girlfriend" or whatever..

Yes I live a 1000 miles from you, but that absolutely doesn't mean that NOTHING could come of us but friendship. Because I live here now
doesn't mean I'm pinned down here. Nothing but friendship will come of us, only if you don't open your heart and allow it..

But anyway, I guess if you'd rather just be friends and not ever see each other again, then I'll have to respect your wishes. I won't like
the idea of never seeing your face again, but I will respect it."

I know that based on what he is saying I should not continue contact with him but I just need his support right now with everything. Any advice?

Opportunist.

GC

I know that based on what he is saying I should not continue contact with him
This is correct.

but I just need his support right now with everything.
??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
No, you don't "need" his support.
If you "need" it, there is nothing we can say which would make you not contact him.

Any advice?
Write him a very short note and tell him his was very inappropriate and that he should not contact you anymore.

Don't thank him or acknowledge in ANY positive his feelings (or your feelings) for him.

OM in my sitch said the same sorry sh1t to blag his way into my vulnerable FWWs knickers too.

He's a player w@nker. Don't be flattered, be insulted IMO.

Slacker...I agree. There will be nothing good come from this in the long run.

In my session with SH earlier this week, he talked about how each of us are responsible to guard where we expose our EN's. If we expose them inappropritely, and if these needs start being met inappropriately, we can allow the problem to become bigger than us and it is at that point an addiction.

Maybe looking WAAAYYYY down the road....but you seem to already know the right answer.

Do what is right.

Georgia

<small>[ November 24, 2004, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: Georgia Guy ]</small>

I have had similar conversations with 'friends'. Also, a lot of my female friends think they are cupid and try to 'hook me up'. See....if your even THINKING like that, then how much better are you then your WH? If there is still a ring on my finger, then I am married. End of story. That is how I see it anyhow. If everyone saw it this way then we could all just get off the board and go back to our lives...but that isn't the case. My WH ASKS me to find another man, go out, have fun, drink, 'hook up' with a guy and be happy. There is more to life then my 'at the moment' happiness.
I would tell him that your still married, and would like him to stop contact with you.
JMHO.
Danielle

Male friend:"Maybe what I say is not appropriate","...if that's not appropriate then so be it".

Here we go again.This is how they ALL start up slacker.These people move in to show care and concern,even though you are MARRIED.A rub of the shoulders, a caring comment,"I understand",etc.

"Yes I live a 1000 miles away from you, but that absolutely doesn't mean that NOTHING could come of us but friendship". HELLO???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Do you not see what he is doing?

Drop him like a hot potato.He's bad news despite what you might be thinking.You shouldn't really have any close male friends right now.It's like an alcoholic sitting in a bar.The temptation is going to be there and this guy is going to tempt you,he has already.

O

You are all right. I don't really feel that I need him in my life and I certainly don't need any more complications. I just feel that I am losing everything slowly. I am far away from my family and friends, I don't like my job, or my new neighborhood and I feel myself slowly pulling away from my wh. The more he tries, the less I want to be hurt, the more I pull back emotionally.

slacker,

Your friend may have good intentions or not. You say he is one of your closest male friends so let's 'assume' that he has good intentions.

Given that basis, let your good friend know the following:

1. Thank you for your frank approach. It was a bit forward but I know you mean well.

2. Right now as you know, this is quite hard for me. What I really need is for my friends to be my friends. Need them to respect my decisions and be supportive as friends should be.

3. Should the time come that I choose to move forward with my life without my current M, then and only after a safe amount time adjusting to that life changing even, will I be able to properly entertain another R.

4. In the meantime, I need friends not emotional relationships. My H did that and it has brought tremendous hurt to our family. I am sure you have seen it done to others.

5. You are a very caring person and I would like to continue to respect that about you.

Something like that.

JMHO,
L.