Well, H is back (as of Nov. 14) and we are really trying to go forward with our lives, following rules and lessons shown on MB website. Things are moving along fairly well. He's been reading the website and we did the Emotional Needs Questionnaire the other day. We have a mediator in the city that we are seeing as well and find it very helpful - not like the boring old men coucsellors who nod and use an hypnotic drone. She is lively and 'in-your-face' nor does she pull any punches.
Problem is my 29 year old daughter. She and H had a lousy relationship through her growing years. She really resented this man coming into my life trailing his 3 'spoiled brats' who never had to do anything when they were at our place and never got into trouble. Anyway, after she left home and wasa on her own, went through a short marriage and had a son, her feelings for her stepdad apparently changed. The only thing is - she forgot to tell him. Now she is so angry that I took him back that she won't talk to either of us. He was, according to her, the only man she had any respect for and he blew it for any man to get close to her 'cause if he could do that to me no man can be trusted. And she thinks I am really weak to have allowed him back. What she seems to be saying is that regardless of the almost 25 year history we have together and all the obstacles we fought through and stayed together through, his infidelity should not be forgiven and he should be gone. Why would she want our marriage to be over? It must be so obvious to her that I am so much in love with him. He has come back to me for us to go on with the rest of our lives and the plans we made together. We are working on rebuilding Trust and fulfilling each others emtional needs. I am doing everything I can to deposit into his love bank and he always has been very good at doing that for me - he's a very thoughtful man, always has been.
What can we do to get 'our' daughter to talk to us and respect us again, and how long a process is it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

You need to work with your MC on this issue. Probably your H needs to write a heartfelt letter of apology to her....all your children. His A betrayed them as well. It just shows that chlidren of all ages are affected and become victims of the A which is NOT what a WS realizes. In fact many even professionals don't realize the impact the A has on many people. Children are our most precious and yet often most vulnerable victims in the A. The Xws owes them an apology for starters. From there a plan of how to repair their relationship needs to start. It may need a cooling off period but if he lets her know that he respects her decision, then she will in time rebuilt the trust in him. Of course how he conducts himself in the interim is critical. It is damage control repair he has to endure and you can assist him but not do it for him.

Hope this makes sense.

L.

Thanks Orchid

I showed your reply and my question to my H and we agree that that's probably the best route. We're meeting with our mediator on Friday so will run the question and your answer past her. It's breaking both our hearts what she's going through and how her behaviour is hurting both of us.

wow, Orchid gave you superb advice, lim. Writing that apology will go a long way in restoring the damage done and will mean alot to your D. Please understand that she is only angry because she cares about you. The people who love you just don't want to see you hurt again. It is painful for them to watch. Just know that her heart is in the right place.

It took my family awhile, but they have warmed to my H quite well. Now that they can see that he won't harm me, they don't worry so much.

Had a similar experience with my 18 yr old Daughter recently, except I was and am the guilty party.

It has taken 4 months for her to begin trusting me as her mom again once she saw I was really trying to make up and renew the M with her dad.

I can only tell you it has been a very emotional time for both of us on top of the issues of the A and the pain I caused my H.

I think that the apology I gave her and my son with their dad holding my hand went a long way to rebuild the trust that I would no longer hurt the family. We said a lot of hurtful words between us and Aussies firm support of me and refusal to be drawn into a 'hate mom fest' was essential to the rebuilding of trust.

I mean I wouldn't have blamed him or the kids telling me to go away. I took away their feeling of a safe secure home, I hope not forever.

My IC/MC was also an immense help and had a talk once or twice with her as well to explain the process of what I and her dad were going through.
it was a bit strange but it seems that our IC/MC said almost the same as we did except she LISTENED to the third party.

I pretty proud of the gentle mature way my daughter now deals with the issues of my A. She says she now understands that even mom & dad are human and will make mistakes just like she does. Of course I wish she had not gone through this at all but I can only deal with the consequences of my actions.

I think perhaps your D has gone through a similar range of feelings. She had a failed M, felt and maybe was used by some men or xh, may feel some bitterness over that and then came to see her step dad as a shining example of what a H can & should be and also what kind of parent he was. Her old motherhood may have triggered that.
Perhaps she was too embarrassed to let him know after giving him a hard time while growing up.
Then suddenly she found out THAT TOO was al a lie in her view. he poor girl is probably totally disillusioned and cannot understand why you will or even can forgive him. She probably has been hurt a lot and cannot yet walk in your footsteps.

Your D may need time and perhaps some help in coming to understand & accept your H remorse and your decision to forgive.

Hi there. Haven't posted in a long time; mainly, I've lurked. However, this thread is pretty close to home.

I am a BC. My stepdad, who married my mother when I was 10 (I'm almost 31 now), cheated on her last year and left her for the OW. Two months later, she accepted him back into her home and life and tried to work on the marriage. We thought everything was going to be fine again. It took me months, but I forgave him. My mother never understood why I was so upset. After all, it wasn't MY husband. Why should I feel that he has betrayed me as well?

Well, first of all, it was a blow to my family structure. A blow? More like an earthquake! Someone in the main neighborhood of my heart betrayed my trust that he would always be there, that he would always love and respect my mother. He never apologized to me. Still hasn't, even after he left her again a month ago for the OW and then came crawling back again. I probably won't ever fully trust him again.

This is my MOTHER we're talking about, this betrayed woman. My bio-dad died when I was 16 mos. old. I'm an only child, too, so we've always been a team. I was there to pick up the pieces when he left. I was the one who held her and loved her and felt her tears fall until the shoulder of my shirt was wet. I helped clean up the mess he left behind. And I shouldn't hate him now????

Funny thing is, I was the one who told Mom that he was having an affair. I could tell by his actions. After all, men don't need to go out to the car to make phone calls, and they don't out of the blue start dressing nicely all the time when they go out.

Sorry I've rambled so much. I'm just sooooo hurting tonight. It's Thanksgiving, and my family is torn to pieces.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lostinmanitoba:
<strong> Thanks Orchid

I showed your reply and my question to my H and we agree that that's probably the best route. We're meeting with our mediator on Friday so will run the question and your answer past her. It's breaking both our hearts what she's going through and how her behaviour is hurting both of us. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Glad to have helped. What I found to help me was to ask that all I told about the A what I needed out of them B4 I gave them some of the info. What I asked for was their support and to please respect my decisions. I did not give all info to all. Each got what I thought they needed in order to help me. Not distorted or colored over, just safe. Not used to get their support by coersion but didn't want to put more stress on them than necessary. I got everyone's agreement and I had a good support team. I told them that at times, they may want to just kick me in the pants for what they are seeing but to remember that they probably don't have all the info. I asked that they recall my reputation and as long as they could see I still retained my sanity, to then trust me and support me as we previously discussed.

I am glad your H is cooperative to the best of his ability.

All the best.
L.

PS: BTW, it isn't everyday, I get a compliment from ML. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

She and H had a lousy relationship through her growing years. She really resented this man coming into my life trailing his 3 'spoiled brats' who never had to do anything when they were at our place and never got into trouble.

This is your daughter telling you how she felt as a child...with no control...being made to be part of a blended family...(if I am following this correctly...)

It could be that she saw her mother choose a man over her...AND then choose his children over her...if there were actual incidences of HIS children have privelidges in her home...that you "went along' with...

Children often feel tossed aside or unchosen when parents remarry....

It must be so obvious to her that I am so much in love with him.

and compound that with the idea with that once again as an adult she 'sees' you choosing him once again...

I am doing everything I can to deposit into his love bank and he always has been very good at doing that for me - he's a very thoughtful man, always has been.

see it through her eyes...
he is thoughtful to you...but is and has he always been thoughtful to her...

just the infidelity would make him a not capable of not so thoughtful acts...

the hope is that people can and do change all the time.....

he needs to address the issues of her inner child and how he treated his own differently in HER home...
and you may need to address those issues as well in how you 'allowed' a man to do that...

aussieswife wrote a lovely post to you on this issue as well..

ark

shortcake, thanks for that very eloquent post giving the child's viewpoint. I think that is a very good represention of how kids are effected. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

First of all, a GREAT BIG thank you to shortcake for your so helpful post. I can read so much of my daughter in you. She's in a lot of pain and hate now, too.
And ark^^, you've also shed a lot of light on what she might be feeling from a new perspective. Thanks for your insight and I'm going to keep it in mind while trying to get through this.
MelodyLane as usual has added some hope and I know it was hard for my sister and daughter to see me such a wreck, as well as the boys but they were a lot more adept at either handling it or hiding their pain.
And thanks also to aussieswife for her input as to how her daughter handled it. We are hoping the mediator will be able to get through to her although not so sure that she'll go to see her because of the cost. She isn't likely to accept us paying for the sessions!
Thanks to all of you - you are really helping us with this 'mess'!

Even though I do and always have had a great relationship with my kids after reading this I do feel the need to write them a letter.

<small>[ November 25, 2004, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: Tom Joad ]</small>