There's two right now...

Quick background: WS and I separated last Jan. Young son and I moved about 200 miles away and my Wife joined us in June. We still have much stuff in the old house. My W handed control of the house over to OP when she left.

W wants to go back to the old town to pick up some things like important personal possessions and winter clothes. She also wants to visit some friends she made while we were living there.

I'm uncomfortable with this not only because OP lives in that town, but also because I have big issues with many of her 'friends'. Mainly issues that revolve around bars and stupid conflicts and also because not a one of them (to my knowledge) ever told her that having an affair was wrong and that she should stop. Most (again, to my knowledge) supported/encouraged her relationship with OP.

Originally I told her I had no problem with her going. (she's gone back a few times to pack and sort and stuff and always come back) But I do have an issue. I'm not comfortable. I told her so and she is not going.

The thing is, now I feel bad.

I do trust her. I believe that if she goes back, she will not hook up with OP. On the other hand, I've been surfing threads lately where the WS suddenly does a 180 and poof... gone. I think that would kill me right about now. I don't feel safe. I don't feel secure.

Our van is not really up to the trip or I'd offer to go with her. Not that I want to... I pretty much despise the town and just about everything that it contains.

Any thoughts? I know it's kinda resolved already, but I'm second guessing myself.

I told her I'm not 'against' her going... I'm just not 'enthusiastic' about it. I also told her I'm more than willing to put any of her friends up for the night/weekend if any wanted to make the trip out here for a visit.

The other issue is not resolved, and I guess it's the one I really need help with. But it's time to put the little one to bed so I'll post it later.

Best to deal with one issue at a time anyway.

J

On the surface you are completely in line with POJA. The rule says - Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse - So, you need to both be enthusiastic about what you DO - however you do not need to be enthusiastic about the things you give up. POJA gives you veto power.

As I said - that's the on the surface. However, to truly live in accordance with POJA you need to be willing to honestly, cooperatively, and in good faith, negotiate an alternative to the thing that has been vetoed.

If you aren't thrilled with her going back to the town with friends that you are unsure of and where the FOP lives then it's time to sit down and calmly, courteously, and respectfully, negotiate how she can get whatever it is she needs from where she used to live.

C

Hey Cerri. Thanks. I understand using POJA to find an alternative. We started touching on it last night, but the conversation wandered.

This shouldn't be such difficult thing to brainstorm.

J