Hi all- I am just sitting here looking over the food I am about to make. YUCK!

I am trying to get rid of this gut feeling I have.

H did not come home last night until after 2:30 in the morning, he said that he was being trained in on something new and wanted to get it right. I said he could have called me, he told me he figured I was sleeping since I did not call him. Anyway last night was the first night in about two weeks he did not spoon with me while he slept; he actually put pillows between us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . Then this morning I got up made the kids french toast got them dressed, got ready for work and went to wake H up. I asked him for a kiss and he pushed me away, I decided to be playful with him and he covered his face with his hands. My feelings got hurt so I just said bye, and he did not say bye back. When I texted him later to ask why he behavied so weird he said it was because he was tired. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> My gut has been screaming at me all day that something is going on. Do I confront him on it tonight, or wait until after the Holiday, or am I just being paranoid?

Oh- also for those who followed another thread about my grandfather passing- H has now agreed to come with me to the funeral.

Also Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

<small>[ November 24, 2004, 09:25 PM: Message edited by: KMEJ ]</small>

H did not come home last night until after 2:30 in the morning, he said that he was being trained in on something new and wanted to get it right.

he actually put pillows between us

I asked him for a kiss and he pushed me away

KMEJ, my dear, I'm afraid you should go with your gut.

Nice that he agreed to go to your Father's funeral!

My condolences.

k

I think my gut might be right as well. I just hate thinking that after all this time and energy I put back into this man he would do me like that. H just called me and was short with me, and talked over me when I was trying to explain things to him, I got upset and hung up.

H says I am once again reading too much into things and being over sensitive. I just think I am adding up the evidence. I hate this feeling, I hate feeling betrayed. IF H does not want me to feel this way and inquire so much, then he needs to make his life an open book.

Oh yeah I almost forgot, when he did get home last night his cell phone rang right away, he took it in the other room <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> granted it was late in the night and he did not want to disturb me, but who on earth would call that late anyway? I asked who called him this morning and he said I was dreaming again (this has happened before) and said I could look in his phone if I wanted, I told him I could deleate too. H got mad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I said he would not get mad like that unless there was truth to what I was saying, he just said "what ever!".

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think we both know that something is rotten in the state of denmark.

This is simply too many flags all screaming in unison.

Noodle <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Well, your "gut" is trying to tell you something. The question is...are you ready to listen??

Very often we don't want to see something that is right in front of our noses until we are faced with proof so tangible that we can no longer deny what is happening. It is denial of that we don't feel we can deal with... Is this your situation??

pretty much. I do not want to think that my H would do this to me again, Stupid woman I know. We just spent this great romantic weekend together last weekend, so part of me is wondering if this is just my imagination working over board or it is just me not wanting to face reality. Why would he go though all that trouble for last weekend if he is just going to continue contact with op?

I probably am living in a land of denial, I need to get more of a backbone. I want to feel loved again.

Always..always...always give more weight to the "gut" feeling than the hopeful rationalizations we all come up with.

do you recommend I talk with him tonight or after Thanksgiving and my Grandfathers funeral?

my gut has been screaming at me for a while, I just find ways to shush it, until something else comes screaming at me.

That depends on what you plan to say.

Noodle

2:30am training? Huh uh...

Didn't spoon? No huge deal. Pillows between. A bigger deal.

Pushes you away when you kiss him. Why?

Covers his face with his hands. Feeling guilt maybe?

Behaving weird because he was tired? Doubtful. You can do weird things when tired, but those all sound fishy.

And telling you you are being oversensitive or trying to make you think you dreamed the cell phone ring? That was right up my X's alley. He did his best to make me think I was the paranoid one or even the nuts one at times.

I am probably more paranoid than most people. However, I am also an ex-wife now and my "X" is living with the woman who caused all my supposed paranoia.

I'm sorry, and I do hope I'm wrong, but I say go with your gut.

LL

I want to know the truth. I want him to make his life an open book for me. I expect him to call if he is not going to be home at his usual time. I want to stop feeling like there is an elephant in the room. Have a good way on how to put that/

I think those are the wrong things to say.

Spooning was not a big deal to me. The pillows bothered me. THe no kiss sparked a nerve, and the covering the face was a huge flag. The fact that he did not come home until 2:30 (he is a resturant manager- so that is typical timeing IF he was a closeing manager which he was NOT). SO I am just not sure I am buying all this. I will devistated in myself if he starts cheating on me again.

Noodle- what do you suggest then?

Well..since you ask <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think demanding the truth from a known liar is pretty much spitting in the wind.

Ditto open book..he clearly isn't willing to do that.

I think that his persistant disrespect for you, and denial that you are his equal and not his pawn will make it very difficult to get anywhere usefull..but for the sake of argument..here goes..


I think you need to address what really is bothering you.

"H, I want to let you know that your behavior of late has been very questionable, and that your demeanor also indicates that you have returned to your affair or begun a new one.

In fairness to you, I want to give you the opportunity to amend this.

If you wish to correct this I will need.................blah blah....open book....yada yada...... otherwise I will assume that my instincts are correct."

There will be no discussion about individual issues such as I was here/there..phone..blah blah...too easy to get lost in he said she said.

There will be no discussion about your sensitivity level and whether or not it is functioning properly.

There will be no discussion at all..either he is willing to do these things..or he is not.

Whether he has re-entered an A is almost completely irrelevent to this little jawin' session. So don't go there and allow him to try and make you prove it.

Make your decisions based on his willingness to give you what you ask for..if he is reluctant or resistant for any reason I would assume that he is in an A even if this is later found to be untrue.

Learn those power dynamics please! Approach from a position of strength.

Noodle

good advice. Thank you. You are right I leave to many loop holes for H to wiggle his way out of things. Not my best plan.

Gee, noodle...will you give ME some lessons in power dynamics? Please??? I could use them...

To add to your point, I like what someone said recently, "You don't have to prove what he already knows."

Kmej,

My suggestion w/b to 'sniff the air'. Work some doubt into the mind of the warped. Your senses c/b tingling for a good reason. Don't dismiss it but don't jump to conclusions. Let him convince you with great effort that he isn't doing what he thinks you are thinking..... hard to follow? It s/b, especially for a WS to follow. So don't explain, just sniff the air.

I did that, after I did all I could to ask the questions I thought I needed to ask but did not get the answers I needed to get, I then implemented the sniffing techique.

The WS came home one day, I was in the bedroom putting away some laundry and started sniffing the air. It was when I had suspected something and decided to try this technique. I asked how he was, he mumbled, I acted like I understand what that meant and then started sniffing the air. He asked what was the matter (this means I had his attention), I proceeded to ask if he could smell it? He said smell what? I said, 'not sure, somthing just doesn't smell right, kinda rancid, stinky like a dirty dog or something, seems to come in wiffs.....don't you smell it?' He said no. I said, hm..... it just came up when you came into the room, did you step on something? In our house we take off our shoes so I was not referring to his shoes. LOL!!! I then asked if he had been with the OW (she has 2 german sheperds, they are her babies). He started sniffing himself. I walked away. Boy that felt good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Did that a few times later. Each time when I felt there had been contact. This made him suspicious. Don't think he really realized what was going on and he didn't need to. The point was that he felt he carried a stench and I had made my point. It left him feeling uneasy and he had to invest some time in removing that 'stench'...... I later used that point in him putting forth effort into improving our M even if he did know exactly what he was doing. Just doing what he knew he needed to do (like wash up if I said he was smelly, etc.). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Kinda subtle lesson but it worked for me.

Putting doubt in a WS takes time away from the A. Maybe then their OP/WS conversations w/b center more on how they smell instead of talking sting about the BS and family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

<small>[ November 25, 2004, 06:41 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KMEJ:
<strong> I want to know the truth. I want him to make his life an open book for me. I expect him to call if he is not going to be home at his usual time. I want to stop feeling like there is an elephant in the room. Have a good way on how to put that/ </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sweetie, You already KNOW the truth. It is now time for you to accept it and do what you need to do. I am in the same situation..only I move a bit faster in the area of not putting up with it...The first night, the first second I CONFIRMED contact, he was out the door. Although I had my suspicions, I couldn't CONFIRM it...

Honey, no matter what you ask, even if you plead your husband to tell you the truth, he wont. These WS's are such great liars. They can lie no matter what...look at mine. He lied to me while my dad was ON HIS DEATHBED for goodness sake. THAT, I can never forgive him for. THAT I will never forget..It is time for me to move forward...You need to make a decision before you speak to him of what you want to do...you can either accept his LIES, or accept the truth...and I think you know what the truth it sweetie. Take care

The truth is that it doesn't matter if he is having another affair. The truth is that he doesn't care that you aren't comfortable with his coming home at 2:30 AM with an explanation that seems odd. Whether he is in a relationship with someone else or not isn't what matters. What matters is that he isn't willing to be in a relationship with you.

Cherished