Lately, I've begun to wonder whether MB is the place for me or not. I'm pulled to it daily, like an addiction in itself, I guess. I want to read something here that will help me; immediately after my H's D-day, I found lots here that helped -- information, support through responses to my couple of posts, etc. In the past couple of weeks, however, I've begun to feel WORSE after I come here. I lurk and read, but nothing seems to apply to my own situation. I look for a different site, where I can find info that is more specific to my situation, but I can't find anything. For those who may remember my situation (others are welcome to look back at my first post on 9/24, I think), is it possible that this just isn't the right place for me? Where should I look? Life around my house is back to the normal routine -- if I don't bring up his past or my hurt, he acts like nothing ever happened. There's not much conversation, not much of anything, really. So, I think I'm back to doing what I've always done -- making the best of a less-than-perfect marriage. We have four children and debt over our heads. I love him, and he loves me. He's just an emotionally-detached person, for the most part. I guess that will never change.
There's no cheating going on and hasn't been for a long time, he says. So, why can't I get over this???
I would really appreciate any feedback anyone has to offer. However, I can't go to counseling. We live in a remote area with no such services, talking to a minister is out because our town is just too small for discretion, and we simply can't afford for me to travel 2 hours and then pay for counseling, too. I think I've read just about everything, as well.
Very depressed here. . . pity party time, I guess.
PM

It's a BIG pity party. Can I come? It seems like the whole thing is either blindsides you or drags on in limbo. I guess this is a good form of counseling. Take what works and leave the rest. Even if I don't agree with everything here, it's good just to talk.

Chin up. This is a hard thing.

Papermom...

Sounds like your H requires a lot less emotional and meaningful commuication than you. Not uncommon for a man.

I was wondering if he knows how unhappy you are?

papermom...

searching the web sites to help won't work...

you must seek active counseling in real time and life...

I've begun to feel WORSE after I come here. I lurk and read, but nothing seems to apply to my own situation.

It all applies to your situation...but these message boards...can and never will replace professionial help...

saddest are the stories of people who try to just sweep an affair under the rug...and move on as if it never happened....
you will live with an elephant in the room...and it will grow and feed off of your avoidance of the affair....and the issues...

However, I can't go to counseling. We live in a remote area with no such services, talking to a minister is out because our town is just too small for discretion,

first i don't buy that excuse...and second...WHO CARES WHAT OTHERS BELIEVE IN THEIR MINDS....

you are standing up for your marriage...


if you are saying you have a minister that would blab your issues to others...then he's useless and not a man of God...

seek out other resources...
how far are you from any higer education systems...

what about Catholic organizations....
they offer marriage encounter weekends with no stipulation you MUST be Catholic...

also priests are sworn to secrecy...

seek out the closest Catholic diocese and find a Cursillio to attend...and if not Catholic know you can still go AND?OR they offer non-Catholic Cursillios as well...

the men go away on a weekend first..then the wives...

when there is a will there is always a way..

always...

you feel bad because you have no plan..
and we all need a plan...

ARK

Georgia, thanks. Yes, he knows how unhappy I am. Unless I bring it up, he makes no effort to acknowledge it.

Ark, thanks for the wise words and for suggestions. I think I'm avoiding counseling because I've been several times before, even dragged him with me a few times. He refuses to talk, mostly, and since our counseling experiences, I've learned about the infidelity. Talk about an elephant in the room! There was one in the counseling room, and I didn't even know it! He let me wonder what was wrong with ME.

I went on a Walk to Emmaus seven years ago. Had to squash my joy afterwards, as he thought it was baloney. You may think that is more self-pity, and maybe it is, but I've tried for 20 years to grow closer to him and not apart from him. I've given up on just about everything I wanted and enjoyed to try to lessen the distance that exists between us.
Two years ago, he decided he was ready to go on a Walk, and it changed him tremendously, but the effects on our marriage have dwindled with time. One effect, of course, was that he felt led to tell me the truth about the infidelities. That one is certainly still with us.
I've taken antidepressants in the mega-doses for several years now. Maybe they're just not working anymore.

Now, I need to go to counseling again. I know you're right. I'll suck it up and go for myself. Surely I can find someone to talk to who can help me deal with everything.

Dear, dear Papermom,

the thing that caught my eye most of all was your d-day - 24 september 2004. That's just two months ago, and there were a lot of other issues even before d-day if you have been on A-med for several years.

I was crawling out of depression myself at d-day, just to be flung back in it that day and the months after. It seems like some of us have to have their backs against the wall before they'll say "Enough! I'm going to take care of myself now!".

Yes, yes, found a good counselor.
Take care of yourself.
It doesn't matter if the A was so many years ago - to you, it's very, very recent and you'll need time to recover.

((((Papermom))))

<small>[ November 25, 2004, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: brownhair ]</small>

Papermom,

What you wrote is really no different than others have experienced here (unless I missed something). What I found especially helpful was the book: His Needs/Her Needs. It helped me see HOW to communicate to my H. I had been communicating to him as I thought it s/b not as he was able to receive it.

Then I learned to bring closure to the A. Somethings we did together and others I did separate. Also counseling with Steve or Jennifer @ MB w/b helpful. Try the phone counseling option.

Have you and your H ever done the Emotional Needs Questionnaire? Very helpful insights will be found there.

So you have a lot of tools to start with. Use them wisely and let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.

Are you spending 15 hours a week together just focusing on each other as Harley recommends?

Thanks, Orchid. I did the EN questionnaire and gave him a copy. I've asked him about it several times; he "hasn't had time" to do it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

pussywillows, you're kidding, right?? He doesn't have time to fill out the EN questionnaire, remember? (PM says, tongue-in-cheek) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I AM feeling better today, but my on-line pity party is a little embarrassing. Still, it's honestly how I felt, so. . .

Anyway, thanks to you both for replying. Believe me, I'm considering all advice and appreciate it all.
PM

What about marriage counseling over the phone?

TTSI, no dinero. I'm going to follow previous advice, however, and see if I can find free or inexpensive counseling through a church here. . . or perhaps just down the road a bit.

Thank you very much for caring enough to post to me. I do appreciate you!
PM

Papermom,

You don't have to be embarressed about anything. Been there done that and waaaay more vocal. LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Use the tools at your disposal. If your H doesn't take the EN questionnaire, you take it as his character. Just do your best. Let him know you did it for him because you just couldn't wait. Don't show it to him unless he asks.

L.

Great idea, ORchid! That's exactly what I will do! Thanks!

papermom my early pity-posts were so pathetic you hear the badly played Jewish fiddles in the background.

feeling a lttle sheepish about it is a good thing ! Shows that self pity is the exception, not the rule.

Go get 'em ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />