Geeze, are my kids mad! The oldest, in another state, wants to yell very loudly or at least send an impassioned email. The second, the strong, silent type, is simmering...well maybe close to boiling. He's a state ranked wrestler who wants to take his dad down. Our daughter hop scotches the issues. Has actually told me that maybe a divorce would make me happier. I think she's feeling a bit deserted and angry.

I'm trying not to portray WH as the bad guy but of course, they can see what's happening. I keep telling them to cool their jets. I keep telling them that we are the family that matters. If their dad cares to join us, great. But that we have to stick together. They will say that I was the main parent and the glue. While they've always loved their dad, he's never really been there for them. I love my kids. Not only that, I LIKE them too.

Any other ideas?

Carol,

Let your children put their thoughts in writing to their father. It maybe therapeutic for them. Doesn't matter if he takes it well or not, the exercise is for them to write what is on their minds. He can have it to reference when he has a better frame of mind.

My little one wrote a 4 sentence letter to his dad when he was 6 years old. In just those few words, the impact did more to shake up the A world than all my e-mails the month before.

That little letter reach right through the fog and ripped his WS heart out. It was a fake heart anyhow. But the WS remained in the fog for a while longer. Those words did plague him though, hence my stance of letting the children speak their peace.

JMHO,
L.

Carol, it sounds like you have some decent kids there. And decent people do get outraged at injustice. That is a normal, healthy reaction. Please don't tell them they are doing something wrong, because they aren't.

The one who is in the wrong here is your H, and I would not protect him from the consequences of his behavior. Let your son send him a scathing email. Your kids are SUPPOSED to be angry.

[I would not encourage your other son "taking him down" but I am assuming that is just talk.]

My kids are decent kids. I am so proud of them. They are smart, independent and directed. I don't think my wrestler would actually take WH down but he's certainly capable. He is a person I would not want angry with me. He's a kid with a strong internal value system. When he was younger, if somebody cheated during a game, he'd be very vocal about it.

It also makes me mad that WH thinks that it's all business as usual. That just because he's always been more or less absent, that all these absences don't make any difference. There is a different quality to this absence.

Thank you Orchid. I did ask my daughter to write to her dad. I can tell it was painful for her. She is a girl who can usually write pages and pages. In an hour, she managed about 5 sentences, including "I am no longer your daughter" and "Dad, don't go to work so much!" Powerful stuff. It also made me realize that we had to tell her more about the situation.

The 3 of us, me, D and S sat down and huddled together while I told her. It also filled in the blanks for my teenage son who could feel things were wrong but didn't know everything.

I expect she'll be doing some more writing today.

Thanks again. It was a great suggestion.