Rather than make Pep's thread even longer, I'll start another one. Thanks Pep for bringing up conflict avoiding, it's so important for recovery.
First I realised I was a conflict avoider (CA).
Then I wondered... why?
Then I wondered... how to fix this.
My conclusion is that understanding the WHY helps with the "fixing".
I'm a true CA. I don't do it temporarily for convenience, or just in certain circumstances, it's a way of life. I became so good at it that I even forgot who I really was, what my goals in life were. I set everything aside to do whatever my partners or friends or relatives wanted (or what I THOUGHT they wanted).
My experience in life and therapy has made me come to the conclusion that we are "moulded" emotionally when we are in our mom's womb and then for the first 1-2 years of our life. It's like being in an hypnotic state, having to accept our parents/siblings view of life as a reality.
How our mother looks at life, her emotions, is very important because she is our #1 contact with life. In the womb it's a 24/7 connection with how SHE perceives life. Her feelings, her reactions mould us to a great extend.
Because we started our life in this "mould", this mould will also be something we will have to protect no matter what, because it gave life to us. Even if this means living a life of unfullfillment, self-denial, pain, loneliness. Weird? Perhaps.
But that's the only way I can explain why I (and several other posters) would endure so much pain and loss of self-respect to avoid conflicts. My guess is CA is so much a part of my mould that not-CA would also mean "dying" to me. That's exactly what I feel like when I try to speak up for what I feel or think - I'm scared to death to do it. Any excuse NOT to express my real feelings is a good excuse. It's too late, it's too soon, my H is in a good mood so let's not spoil it, my H is in a bad mood so let's not make it worse.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
How to fix it?
The key is taking back the power we gave others to control us. We depended on them for our very life, so that's a lot of control. They had to take care of us, feed us, keep us warm, or we'd die. We put up with almost anything to survive. But by the time we don't need others anymore for mere survival, our "mould" has been formed with a lot of surviving-related stuff that we're not even aware of.
We don't have to know all about it.
Merely realising that such a mechanism exists, that it will make us do things we don't even like, makes us accept ourselves more.
And self-acceptance is a major key to healing.
There are many therapies available to further this healing.
But to me, the basis is realising we have such a mould. The E.R.M. (Emotional Response Mould). Don't bother looking it up, I just evented the term. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
