Hi everyone,<P>This is the first time I've been able to get on line since Wednesday, my area was heavily affected by Hurricane Floyd.<P>I am alittle hestitate to write as things have been incredibly skrewed up with me. Last time I wrote the OM has sent me an email, it sent me spiraling down and I couldn't control it. I feel I have made absolutely no progress. I felt so much anger and my emotions have been all over the place. I did end up confronting the OM saying how angry I was at him and then I felt myself falling into the same sequence of asking him if he was sure because he did question everything, blah, blah, blah. I found myself throwing myself at him again only to be pushed away again. He confirmed he loved me, his true love, but his gut is telling him he has to do this and try at home. He said he will probably stay married solely for his child. I actually left him 16 voicemails! God, I hate myself. Why do I do this to myself! I am such a jerk and every name in the book. I have no pride left and I don't deserve anyone's pity because I did this to myself. Every song, movie, even when I go places and see couples together, I think of me & him. <P>Nothing has happened at home, my husband has been very good, and I haven't seen him much since Wednesday, because he had to work because of the storm, which has been good for me. I am unsure if I want to stay married, he will never look into my eyes and know what I'm feeling like the OM did, even in stage 1 of our relationship I never remember that. The OM could touch my soul just by a look, it was a special magic. It's hard to believe that would ever fade between us. He was perfect for me. But I know he didn't chose me and he'll willing to live without me, so I keep telling myself we can't be meant to be or destined to be together. <P>I really feel I need that connection to my spouse. I never knew about it before the affair and now I don't want to live without it. How do I continue trying at home when I'm sure I want to stay with him. Maybe there's another man out there who I'll find that connection with.<P>I starting taking sleeping pills so I could get some rest. I actually felt like running my car over a bridge into a wall to stop the pain.

OK, you guys who have been there, please step in and help out!!<P>Hummingbird, you have read too many romance novels. <P>You may be angry at OM, you may even HATE OM, but boy, are you ever addicted to those chemicals that being with him dumped into your bloodstream.<P>You are in no position to make any long-term decisions about your marriage until you detox, and you will NOT detox until you get away from this guy. <P>This guy is POISON. He gives the word "manipulativeness" an entirely new dimension. When you're aloof, he writes you that he can't live without you. Then when you throw yourself at him, he's cold and says he's going to work it out with his W, but then makes sure you know it's NOT what he wants to do...just to keep you on the string.<P>You need this? Like a second navel, you need this.<P>How do you know your H will never look into your eyes and see what you're feeling. Have you ever LET HIM KNOW what you're feeling the way you did with OM? Maybe that's the difference.<P>You still haven't told your H about the affair, have you?<P>Look, kiddo, real life is not about feeling that intense all the time. For one thing, if we felt like that all the time, we'd never get any work done. <P>The passion of a long-term marriage is DIFFERENT from that of a new relationship or an illicit affair. It's still passion, but it feels different.<P>You may yet decide that you don't want your marriage, but if that occurs, it ought to be based on something other than your addiction. What are you doing about counseling?<P>OK, folks, please help me out here.

I may not be agoo one to help bcause I'm the betrayed wife. But I agree with dazed and confused. You are totally addicted. The only thing is to do is run away form the OM. Change your email address discontinue the old one so he can't reach you. Put a block on your phone so you can't call his number and one so he can't call yours. A good book to read is "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Bettie She also has written "Codependency" and "Beyond Codependency" I haven't read the last two but the first I keep by my bed to read and reread, maybe it will help. Don't give up your H. Life with the OM will not be the way it is now. How will you deal with the everyday life with him? He tells you he won't leave his child, do you want to wait till he has time for you? Do you want to be alone waiting? How do you know you are the first? Can this be a behavior he has done before? Try to think how real life will be! So he can look in your eye and know what you are thinking but will he want to for very long? Life is not a movie things like that happen only in the movies. Life is full of days when you don't speak because he want to watch TV or be with his friends. Really take a hard look at what your life is now and what it really could be with him the reality it would probably be 70 x7 time worse. He would still be with his wife you would be alone. And can you really trust him? Please think hard. <P>------------------<BR>di<BR>

I used to live near you in Jersey (that's where the OM is)...I heard about all the flooding. I just moved to North Carolina 4 months ago and we've had some flooding here as well.<P>Anyway...<BR>Is your OM and my OM the same man? What is his problem emailing you like that, making you believe he wants you back only to say he is staying for child. My OM said he is staying for the exact same reason. Your OM has to get some b*lls and stop leading you on like that...he has no right! (I'm actually shaking right now...I'm so mad...I know just how you feel!)<P>I know how difficult it must be to move on when you think deep down that your OM really loves you. You feel that you're so close...there must be some way to convince him...he'll come to his senses! <P>Well, he may love you...but, he will never leave his wife. He has made his decision, now he doesn't deserve you in his life at all. He doesn't deserve to see you at work, to hear your voice on email...nothing!<P>Wouldn't it make it so much easier if the OM said he never loved you, he loves his wife and he is moving on? Instead he is giving you mixed signals.<P>I too have done things that make me feel that I have lost all respect for myself. Don't worry about that...it's probably you're way of coping and you're not psycho or anything.<P>God, I know about the "look" the intense deep down soul look. I felt I had that with my OM too...I never remember that "look" from my husband. But, I don't think you need to have it in order to be happy with your spouse. Just remember that the "look" wouldn't last forever with the OM.<P>My OM is like yours in that they can survive on simply thinking about us or remembering the good times. I think that makes it more of a fantasy for them whereas we were looking for the real thing. I don't know maybe it's a male/female thing. My OM said he can think of me and it will make him happy whereas I think of him and all it causes is pain.<P>I too thought maybe I could find someone else besides the OM or my H...because I was so desperate to fall in love again! But, I chose to stay and work on my marriage. It is getting better, I still don't have "feelings" for him. But, I'm happy with him.<P>I also took sleeping pills to get some rest...you might want to switch to Valerian Root...it's an herb, so it won't be as addicting.<P>I don't know how to help you...but, I think it's time to accept that it's not going to happen with the OM. Now you have a choice to work on your marriage. You will never get over the OM if you continue working with him.<BR>What do you do? I'm sure you'll have no problem finding a new job...there are so many opportunities in New Jersey.<P>Pam

Dear Hummingbird,<P>Wish so much you were a next-door neighbor and I could come over and help you and give you some hugs. My situation was the same but I have made it through. <P>Please do not contact this man again. Tell yourself "I HAVE MY PRIDE". He is hurting you, the relationship is hurting you. You tried to do both (OM and husband ) but IT DOES NOT WORK. Your have to be able to get on with your life, to get your life back. You deserve to have a long happy live, this is making you suicidal. <BR>Besides, what if he DID choose you, then what. Think of that complete MESS!!!<P>Can you take anit-depressents? Can you go someplace and cry for about one half hour everyday. or (if you are like me) you are probably crying most of the day anyway. <P>Just start with this.....take a baby step.......DO NOT CONTACT HIM NO MATTER WHAT, tell yourself over and over again, "At least I have my pride." Get that far and then you can move on and do all the other things you need to do. You have a lot of work ahead of you but you need to make a start and DO NOT GO BACKWARDS!

I feel like I'm completely insane, I feel as though I'm going to lose it at times. I feel trapped, my husband is in danger of losing his job, I feel stuck at work, I've been searching but nothing yet. I feel like a caged bird. Working here is a living hell, yet I need my job. Why did I do this myself! It's been 6 weeks and when he was away for a week it was so much better, then he comes back and ****s up my head! <P>Tomorrow will be my 3rd counseling session, the counselor told me I have to commit 100% to marriage counseling if I want my marriage to work. I don't know if I want that. I feel so sad, I feel guilty and my husband thinks everything is O.K. I thought as long as my husband was trying and giving certain things at home, the feelings would start to diminish for the OM, but their not. I know I'm a born romantic, I can't help it, I cause my own misery, I know. Maybe my expectations for married life are too high. <P>My best friend had a surpise b-day party for her husband and there were all couples there with young children, newborn to 9 yrs. As I was sitting at the table with my husband and listening to the other couples talk about their children, I kept looking at them, trying to see how they interacted, if I could see the love as my husband talked to another man about his hobby. I felt so sick inside, I started sweating, I got unbelievable stomach cramps and I thought I was going to throw up right there. I had to get up and go the bathroom because I thought I was going to start screaming.<P>I really feel like I'm not stable and losing it fast.

Hummingbird,<P>I know how you feel. Some days are good, some terrible. One day you say "I can do this" and the next, "why bother". I understand because I've been there and AM there right now. The OM in my case works with me and I see him daily, as you know. He gives me those "meaningful glances" we know about so well. I don't know what he really wants, and it shouldn't matter, BUT IT DOES MATTER. I understand that too. I also understand feeling completely out of control and letting your heart and soul (or at least what you think is your heart and soul) do the thinking for you. <P>One difference between you and me is the most difficult for you, I think. My H knows about the OM and who he is. That's good and bad. Good, because the complete honesty is intact, and bad, because he has to deal with me working with the guy. I feel for your H because he seems to have no clue of the depth of your unhappiness. YOU MUST TELL HIM! Do it in counseling where you feel safe!<P>As far as what everyone else has said, I agree. You have to sever contact with the OM if you wish to work on your marriage. You have to choose between the two, and I hope it will be your H. Your OM is NOT gonna leave his W, just as mine is not gonna leave his SO. It hurts to hear, doesn't it? I know. But the truth is that they used us. Maybe they really loved us, maybe they still do. But it isn't real love. Real love doesn't hurt the one you love. Real love is truthful, doesn't live in the dark recesses of life (how many places did you hide to kiss him... I've got a million of 'em). Real love is pure and lives in the light. And that is the truth of it. Please beleive me. I know what I'm talking about. <P>Hun, I know how you feel. More than anything else I want you to understand that. My marriage is teetering on the brink, and who better than to fall back on than the OM who already loves me? I won't go there though. I can't go there. And neither can you. We've GOT to be strong... for OURSELVES.<P>Hugs, n_b

OK, Hummingbird, I'm going to get brutal now, so if you don't want to hear this, STOP READING!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I know I'm a born romantic, I can't help it<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This is a load of horses**t, dear. Define "romantic." It sounds like "romantic" means "passionate doomed love." If that's the case, then maybe you need to stop reading so many Janet Dailey novels and other bodice rippers and learn about what "love" is.<P>Love is not butterflies and jumping into bed. (Sheesh, I'm quoting my own fictional characters now!) Love is not "soulful looks." Love makes you feel GOOD, and PEACEFUL and HAPPY, not anxious and guilty.<P>To say that you NEED that sort of feeling because you're a ROMANTIC is sick, sick, sick. <P>PAIN AND GUILT ARE NOT ROMANTIC!!! UNDERSTAND???<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I cause my own misery, I know. Maybe my expectations for married life are too high. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes, you do. And no, your expectations for married life are not "too high", they are "not healthy."<P>Now, it sure does seem like you and your H have some serious communication problems. He does not know about your affair, and that's problem #1. He either does not know, or does not care, about your feelings about the amount of time he spends on his hobby, and that's problem #2. You have issues about having children, and that's problem #3.<P>The first thing you have to do is open up those lines of communication. If your H is a conflict avoider, then you'll have to do it -- either on your own or in counseling. But the first thing you have to realize is that long-term marriages don't feel like new, illicit relationships. They can't.<P>Yeah, we call cut our teeth on romance novels and we think that's what life is supposed to be like. But it's not. There's a lot of gray area between marital doldrums and what you get from affairs. That middle ground is called "love."<P>Now, it may yet be that you and your H are unsuited. I can't know that, all we know is your story, and there's enough problems that I can see based on that. But even if that's the case, that doesn't mean that you and your OM are "love's young dream and soulmates."<P>I would love to send you some chapters of something I've written on this topic. If you'd like to read, e-mail me at filmgeek55@hotmail.com.<P>

Dazed is so right...although I'm sure it is painful to here and does not fit into what your current thoughts and beliefs.<P>If you can clarify reality and make some goals and move toward them, it will help you move through your pain which is encompassing you right now.<P>Have you read the thread Holly M started on love? It is interesting. It may be page 2 or three now.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

I love the OM so much, I just spend my lunch hour crying. I never felt this love for my husband, this aching inside. I felt peace and happiness in his arms, like it where I belonged. I feel like I would do anything for him, I need him even though he's hurt me so badly.<P>Me & my husband don't communicate well, I've tried so many times to tell him what I need, I've tried over the past 8 years to tell him what bothers me, how he hurts my feelings, I feel second to his hobby, and even though he trys and tells me he loves me and I am the most important thing in his life, it doesn't help. He doesn't know about the OM, I know it's not fair. He doesn't understand why I'm not happy, he feels as long as we don't have any blowups, he gives me affection and attention, everything will be O.K. <P>The issue of children has been brought up with my counselor, she feels it is O.K. for one spouse to be "neutral" on the subject. She said some people feel that way. But he is not definitely against it and open it which means alot. He doesn't want to lose me over it. I told her how I do feel he would be a wonderful father and he has told me that even though his life doesn't feel it's missing something, sometimes you never know what you were missing until you find it.<P>However, this issue has taken a back burner with me, as I know it should. <P>I feel like going home tonight and telling my husband I want a divorce. I feel I can never be truly happy with him. It's not his fault, it's me. I know he's trying and would stay married to me forever but I feel he will never make me happy and I will always be trying to change him and that's not fair to him, I should love him for what he is.

DON'T ASK YOUR HUSBAND FOR A DIVORCE UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES!! DON'T GIVE INTO THE ROMANTICIZED CRAP. IT ISN'T REAL!!<P>THE OM WILL STAY WITH HIS W AND FAMILY. CAN YOU LIVE WITH THAT? THE OM WILL SAY HE LOVES YOU BUT YOU WON'T BE WITH HIM ON CHRISTMAS, YOUR BIRTHDAY OR HIS. CAN YOU LIVE WITH THAT?<P>I'M SORRY IF I SEEM LIKE I'M YELLING AT YOU. I GUESS I AM A BIT! <P>PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, QUIT LOOKING AT THE OM AS YOUR SAVIOR! HE IS JUST A MAN! <P>AND PLEASE, AT LEAST TELL YOUR H WHAT'S GOING ON. IT IS *SO* UNFAIR THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT THE OM. <P>HUMMINGBIRD, YOU'VE GOT TO GET A GRIP HONEY! <P><P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Hummingbird,<P>The reason the OM "touched your soul" is because you showed him how and then you let him. Have you done this for your H? I'm willing to bet that you haven't. Your H probably is clueless about how to touch your soul, and even if he did know how, you have this big ole wall up that he couldn't possibly permeate: the OM. So, okay, the OM touched your soul, and then what? He stomped all over it, and continues to stomp on it!!! He sends you these mixed signals because he wants to keep you in the wings while he so-called "tries things" with his W. He is stilllying to her (and so are you, by the way) by not committing 100% to his marriage, which means NO CONTACT with you whatsoever! <P>Your H does not stand a fair chance without knowing the true gravity of the situation. I'm sorry to be the bearer of any bad news, but the likelihood of both you and OM having more affairs is much higher if you don't come clean and let your spouses know exactly how close they are to losing you. <P>Holly, you said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wouldn't it make it so much easier if the OM said he never loved you, he loves his wife and he is moving on? Instead he is giving you mixed signals.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Yes, that's what they do. They give mixed signals so that we, like lovesick teenagers, will be there for them in case they need us. Don't you think we deserve better than that?<P>What you are going through is pretty typical, actually, and it is going to take some strength and determination to pull yourself away from OM. Get mad about it. Empower yourself with anger if you have to. Don't let him have this control over you. You can pull yourself out of this, but it's going to take strength like you never thought you had.<P>It can be done. There's lots of us who've walked this road before you, and it ain't easy. But it can be done. <P>I'm sorry, but he doesn't love you like you love him. If he did, he'd be with you right now like you are willing to be with him. Doesn't that make you mad? Use that anger and pull away. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Love is meant to heal. Love is meant to renew. Love is meant to oust all fear. Love is meant to harmonize differences. Love is meant to bring us closer to God.

Whoa! Stop! Don't move!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I love the OM so much, I just spend my lunch hour crying<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Uh...do you see a bit of a contradiction here? Love is supposed to be a GOOD thing. So why do you spend your lunch hour crying? What happened to all that good progress made while OM was on vacation?<P>OM is yanking your strings as if you were a marionette. You are allowing him to manipulate your feelings, hoping that there will still be something there when and if he tires of trying to work things out in his marriage.<P>Why do you love such a man?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I never felt this love for my<BR> husband, this aching inside.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey! Throw out the romance novels, will ya? This is NOT love.<P>LOVE DOES NOT HURT! LOVE HEALS! LOVE AFFIRMS! LOVE DOES NOT DESTROY! THAT WHICH DESTROYS IS NOT LOVE! GET IT?<P>Yes, I'm being flippant. No, I'm not trying to minimize your pain. I understand. I really do. We're all susceptible to that "doomed love" thing, especially women. We cut our teeth on it in fairy tales when we were kids and we never quite stop.<P>Why do you think TITANIC made $1.2 billion? DOOMED LOVE. It's sick, but it's entrenched in our society.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I feel like I would do anything for him, I need him even though he's hurt me<BR> so badly.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>So what's wrong with you that you would do anything for someone who's hurt you so badly? No, I don't mean you're a bad person. What I mean is that you think so little of yourself that you think this is all you deserve. That's a lie. I don't know who told you that lie (Mom? Dad?) but it's a lie.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Me & my husband don't communicate well, I've tried so many times to tell him what I need, I've tried over the past 8 years to tell him what bothers me, how he hurts my<BR> feelings, I feel second to his hobby, and even though he trys and tells me he loves me<BR> and I am the most important thing in his life, it doesn't help.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just a thought: Do you think you could accept that your H does love you IN HIS WAY? I really do think that men and women have different ways of communicating. Two weeks ago I gave my H a 2-page letter detailing why his friendship with OW/"friend" bothers me. I edited it six times and ran it by three friends (and this group). He was very angry with me at the time, but since then, when we were at a party where she was, she treated us as a couple for the first time. He did NOT go to her house to meet his guy friend for drinks. And today he interviewed for another job. My point is that IN HIS OWN WAY, I think he's addressing his concerns. Not saying I was right, or even that my concerns were legitimate.<P>Your H's hobby is a concern. He probably plows himself into that to escape dealing with issues. The two of you ought to go into counseling so you can express your needs in a safe enviornment.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I feel like going home tonight and telling my husband I want a divorce. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Why? What does that buy you?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I feel I can never be truly happy with him. It's not his fault, it's me.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oy. "It's not you, it's me." How many times have I heard that? Didn't you ever see DANGEROUS LIAISONS, where John Malkovich keeps reciting "It's beyond my control"? Believe me, that's no comfort. And remember, you take yourself with you.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I feel he will never make me happy <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>YOU have to make YOURSELF happy first. I know it's a cliche, but it's TRUE. If you are happy with yourself, your partner can ADD to it. But if there's a big gaping hole in your psyche, no one can fill it -- not OM, not your H, not some shadowy guy you think is "out there" -- no one.<P>New woman is dead on right...you LET OM touch your soul and you haven't LET your H. The first thing you have to do (after getting away from OM, of course) is change the way you interact with your H. Go out and buy a copy of Susan Page's book, HOW ONE OF YOU CAN BRING BOTH OF YOU TOGETHER. I told my therapist about it and now she recommends it to all her marriage counseling patients. <P>I'm not convinced that you've done all you can in this marriage. Yes, your H has communication issues. So does mine. I am trying to change our relationship by being more communicative myself, and letting our marriage be a "safe" place for him to communicate. Like when he told me he doesn't like my hair curly -- I didn't get upset...I went to the hairdresser and said, "Let's do something different -- something softer, easy to care for, but not as curly." And H noticed.<P>But you have communication problems too. If you didn't, you wouldn't have had this affair and you wouldn't be still hiding OM from your H while you're going through this. In your case, your affair is a mammoth cry for help to your H. Let him help you. Tell him of the pain you're going through. Tell him what drove you to OM. Tell him that you want that kind of relationship with him, not with someone else.<P>Hummingbird, I'm not trying to be cruel. But this "love=pain" stuff just chaps my butt. Love is not masochism. There's a difference.

All the progress made the week he was gone is out the window. <P>I love the OM so much because he made me feel so special, beautiful, was so kind, caring, touched me like I've never known before, kissed me like I've never experienced before, when I held his hand or he had his arm around my waist it felt so perfect like we belonged together. We are so compatible, I can't imagine us ever really disagreeing, he doesn't have a temper, he loves children and wants more. Everything would be so natural with us, he wouldn't have to try to make me happy, he just would. He loves to talk and communicate. Even though I know his flaws, it doesn't matter. I picture everyday life with him, going food shopping, paying bills, everything. It doesn't help. We often talked about buying a house together, fixing it up and stuff. During the storm this weekend I thought of how we used to talk about making love in a storm, I think it's great and my husband doesn't really care either way. My husband is not romantic at all, I know he loves me in his own way.<P>I've tried to let my husband in, I've tried to look into his eyes and feel something, it's like all the passion is gone, I don't have the desire to be with him, I don't care if he doesn't touch me but yet as long as I sleep with him when he wants, everything is O.K. with him. <P>I'm not happy with myself, I have a very low self esteem, I don't know what I need to be happy but I know I'm not getting it at home. <P>I feel I need to escape from everything, I feel trapped at home, trapped at work, maybe if I move out or get my family involved and move there for alittle while to get my head straight. I feel enormous pressure. <P>I know everyone's is trying to help and I really thank god your all here.

Someone who is in an UNHEALTHY addiction, gets to feel good - really good - for a moment, and then the down is bad - really really bad.<P>I would imagine you do not have those highs and lows with your husband? Why? Because your husband and you do not have an unhealthy addiction! <P>Quit LABELING your illicit affair with the other man as love. Start naming it your unhealthy addiction. This is exactly what this is. And the addiction is like a person that is OUT TO GET YOU. AN ENEMY!<P>This ENEMY - is bad bad bad bad. It is bad because it deceives you so bad, and is determined to remove what is left of the core of your being! Your innerself you have exposed yourself to - this enemy.<P>This has to be the most damaging thing a person can do to themselves. With Cigarettes, it is a nasty habit, but it does not attack the inner core of yourself - your self respect. Cocaine and heroin and alcohol probably can almost get there, but I would imagine that the addiction has tapped into the most vulnerable part of your body.<P>You can get a new kidney - your liver can repair itself, they have drugs to kill bacteria, I mean - if it were medical it would be so much easier to defeat than the core of your being. <P>Can you see that you have opened your arms up for a failure? When you fall, and you will, I mean, when you REALIZE that this is bad bad bad, I mean REALLY BAD, for your own self worth - maybe then you will realize and hate this enemy - this UNHEALTHY ADDICTION?<P>I will not call it an affair. Sounds to romantic. I will call this the ENEMY UNHEALTHY ADDICTION.

Hummingbird...remember writing this a few days ago? I think you need to snap back into this mindset. <P>Plus he wants to be married for whatever reason. Things could not go as you are describing. Think about it....<P>This was your post Sept. 10th....<P>I've been thinking about all the imperfections with the OM all week. Some are superficial but every little thing helps, baby steps right now.<BR>1. His hair is always slicked back with lots of mouse, it always looks wet. I asked him to wear it naturally and he did, but then it sticks up straight like a porcupine.<P>2. He's about 30lbs. overweight. Never bothered me, but my husband has a very good body.<P>3. Though he is very intelligent, he knows it and not liked personally by many at work. Comes across as being arogant,pushy, and a brown-noser. I never agreed and really saw that side.<P>4. Very aggressive.<P>5. Cheap, or as he always says, frugal. Counts every penny and has to be the best price around. My husband is very open in this regard, never have to worry about how much I spend, as long as it makes me happy, he's fine with it.<P>6. Sexually (I know I have explain this). We actually did not make love until just recently and it was only a few times. Although the chemistry was unbelievable in everything else, when we actually decided to make love, maybe because my expectations were so high, it was not was I had dreamed. He had difficulty staying aroused, this had never happened to me, and I was shocked. He blamed it on the places (not very convenient),time constraints and the whole situation. My husband and I (up until the affair started) had a satisfying sex life. I keep thinking about when we first met 14 yrs ago, still living at with our parent's, the places we went just to be together still makes me giggle. We were crazy and he was always ready to please and still knows exactly what I like.<P>Anyway, I just wanted to share and thanks for listening.<P>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited September 10, 1999).]<BR><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hummingbird, can you get in touch with your therapist to get through this?<P>Promise me: DO NOT ASK FOR A DIVORCE RIGHT NOW. You are in no shape to be making decisions of that magnitude. You are not rational, you are not thinking straight. (Thank you, FHL, for posting Hummingbird's words right back at her.)<P>Throw away those bodice-rippers, girl, and get on the phone!

Thanks that did help.<P>I will try to call the counselor. I am hopeless right now and I'm very afraid to go home. <P>God, today has been a day from hell. I want to be strong like I was on Sept. 10, I will pray really hard tonight for some peace and I hope God forgives me and is listening.<P>

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for yesterday. It was a terrible day. <P>I know I will experience ups and downs, but the downs are so depressing. I spoke with my husband last night, he could tell how sad I was when I got home. <P>He still doesn't know about OM, but I kindof opened the door alittle by telling him I don't feel the desire, passion to be with him, I find myself being attracted to other men. I thought he would blow up but he didn't. I think he was in shock, then he just started asking questions, who, men I work with, etc. Then he said he knows he treats me bad sometimes and takes me forgranted, that I'm too good for him and I could find someone else in a minute who made more money, was maybe better matched for me. <P>He said "don't you think I know we have alot of problems, I know, I try not to think about it, I know we're not that capable, I feel sometimes we've grown apart, I think there might be a woman out there more suitable for me too. Someone who likes the outdoors, isn't so sensitive, always wants her way, doesn't demand so much attention, is more outgoing, etc. He would live out West if it wasn't for me. He hates New Jersey, he's only here for me. He's not close to his family. But I love you and I would do anything for you."<P>He said "don't you love me anymore"? I said "I do but I feel it's fading, it's not the same". He said "to leave if I'm so unhappy". He said "I told you I'll go to counseling".<P>I told him I didn't want to leave, and I repeated some things to him. I felt really bad, so terrible, the night ended quietly and this morning was quiet.<p>[This message has been edited by Hummingbird (edited September 21, 1999).]

Okay, Hummingbird - you got something great to work with here...<P>Can you copy off the emotional needs questionaire, 2 of them, one for you and one for him, and go over it with him?<P>He's willing it seems. Oh, I wish that my husband would have done this. Let him help you. I know, as the betrayed, I would do anything to help our marriage. And I would've taken the ball and ran with it if I only knew what he was feeling.<P>That is a really wonderful thing that you shared a little of what you were feeling.<P>Pass him the ball.