My husband of 8 years and father of my 4 children just informed me lastnight that he loves me but doesn't know how much(in love? or just love?) and is considering walking out on marriage.He stayed today for Thanksgiving dinner with me & the kids but just packed a bag and went to friends house.He said he needs time alone to sort his feelings to see if he would be doing the right thing by leaving.I am very scared that he will decide to walk out.What should I do? I really want him to come home, I love him with all my heart.The children are not even aware, he told them he had to go away for a few days for work.

I am not a pro here or even a vet, But I will tell you this, do not give up on your husband. And do not tell the children anything other then dad is out of town on business, why hurt them on a day like this when your husband very well could return home. Make sure you have a good Plan A and listen to his needs and don't be afraid to tell him yours. I wish you the best of luck and i'm sure one of the resident vets will be on shortly with better advice for your situation. It would also help if you told us what your situation is?

I agree, we the veterans around here will probably need a few more details from you. How has the marriage been up till now? Have you noticed a change in your husband?

well, there has been alot of past hurts on both sides, we have been together since he was 18 and I was 17, so we both had alot of growing up to do.we had our first child a year later.Our 4th child is now 4 years old and classified disabled, went through alot there.but he said he's been feeling this way for about 5 years now, but is just telling me which is why I am scared that he has already made the deciscion in his mind.About 5 years ago, we got into a fight at a friends house and he went home and I stayed at my friends.The night of the fight, he said it was over, he had called the cops and child services on me, basically we were seperated at that point. I ended hooking up with another guy after this, which I realize now I just did out of anger and hurt, but I was with him for 2 weeks then me and my husband got back together, he was aware of the other relationship, which was called off when hubby came home and I have only spoken to the guy twice since. Three weeks after hubby came back I found out I was pregnant with my 4th child.which could have occured during other relationship or with hubby.My husband was aware of the possability and wanted to stay anyway, now he says he's felt this way since but has tried to overcome it.

Well I also am no expert here, but it sounds like your husband was willing to come back even though he knows during your separation that you had another relationship. Seems like something is there. So are you guys still living together? I'm hoping one of the veterans comes along to give you better advice than me. You have one thing going for you though, you found MB.com this has been a great place for me.

at this point, I'm not really sure if we are still living together or not, he just left tonight.I think one of the toughest things is because he works 7 days a week, he leaves at 4am and most of the time gets home after I am asleep.How can you rebuild a relationship and try to get someone to fall back in love with you when he is never around?

What is a plan A?

1. have you been fighting alot lately?

2. did he say "I love you but am not in love with you?

What has your marriage been like lately?

Has he been distant lately? How long? How would he rate your sex life?

<small>[ November 25, 2004, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

1.No, we have not been fighting lately, which is why I was surprised to hear what he had to say.

2. Yes, he did say that he loves me but is not in love with me.

3. Lately marriage has been kinda a convenience marriage, like I said he leaves at 4am and gets home after I'm asleep on most nights, if he does get home earlier, we just both go to sleep anyway.

4. It's hard to say if he's been distant, he's barely home because of his job, if he does manage to get a day off, we both have so many errands and things we need to do that we still don't get to spend time together. This really bothers me but seems to have no effect on him.

5. What sex life? is how he would rate our sex life.again, he's rarley home, when he does come home and want sex, I am so exhausted from caring for 4 small children, and I can't get into it anyway, I feel like I'm having sex with a stranger.

atenda, he is showing many signs of a person who is in an affair. The statement "I love you but am not in love with you" is a CLASSIC statement of a spouse in an affair. So is "I need time alone to think." They almost ALWAYS need that time apart to carry on an affair unimpeded.

Your job right now is to find out if he is having an affair. You can't ask him, because he will just lie if it is true, but you need to investigate and find out what is going on. If he has a cell phone then get the bill and see who he is calling. If he has been on the computer, then start checking. Hire a P.I. to follow him.

You may find out that there is no affair, but I don't think so. Men don't just up and leave like that unless there is a powerful motivator. And an affair is a very powerful motivator.

If you will just find out what is really going on here, we can guide you through this landmine and maybe help end the affair and get your H back. But you have to be willing to do some leg work and take some risks.

MelodyLane,
Thanks for the input, I feared someone would reply to that effect. I have considered that and asked if there was someone else and as you said, he said no. I'm not sure if it's true or not. I've been with him for 11 years now and this is not the first time we have seperated or that he said he loves me but is not in love with me and he needed time away. He has always come back before and to my knowledge there has never been an affair on his part. However, he usually came back after me persuading him to and things went well for a short spell then they were the same as before he left. I have been reading alot of info on this website since I found it lastnight and also read alot of posts on the discussion boards, and I have discovered alot of truths that I wasn't even aware of.before he told me all this he asked me if I was happy and I told him yes, which I thought I was. I took the emotional needs questionere and discovered that I am not. We never spend any time alone, we have 4 small children. we barely even spend time as a family because he is always working and when he does get a day off, it seems that we both have so many things that need to get done that we just don't get around it. Example:yesterday, Thanksgiving Day,he slept late until 11:30am since it was his first day off in 3 weeks, then he got a shower and went to a friends house to invite him for dinner, was gone 2 hours, came home, ate dinner, took a nap, got up and packed a bag and left.My reaction to him needing time alone to sort feelings was that he was never home anyway and I asked him to spend time with us and see how he felt but he just shrugged that comment off and left anyway.Now, that I realize we were both neglecting each other big time, and have figured out how to resolve that issue, I just hope that he will come back home and manage to schedule time for us to meet EN's. We never dealt with alot of issues from the past, they were just swept under a carpet and we tried to forget them even though they were tearing both us up inside, they were never discussed, and we just went about our lives as usual and we have to be in a marriage of convenience. I thought I was fine with having things that way but realize differently after taking the questionere.But I do know that I want this to work out.He is supossed to come back on Sunday to see the kids and he said we could talk then and he would let me know how things are going, if he will stay, leave, or needs more time. Any suggestions on how I should handle things on Sunday? What things should I say to convince him that I realize there are problems but would like him to stay home so we can work on them?He said that I can call him anytime and I really want to, should I call him or wait to see if he will call me and how long it will take him to call me, or just wait until Sunday if he doesn't call.

atenlinda, if he had problems with the marriage, wouldn't he most likely stay there and try to work on them? At least mention them?

See, I don't think the fact that he has done this before rules out an affair. And I will tell you why. My last H said and did the very things yours is doing. The first time he left, he wasn't actively in an affair, but was contemplating one. The second time he left, he was in a full blown affair.

My point is that he has given up on your marriage here. I don't know if he has been telling you for years there was a problem but something has happened to motivate him to give up. And if that something is an affair, you must find out. He is not going to tell you, so it is up to you to rule this in or out.

If you can rule it out, then we can help you focus solely on unmet needs, etc. If there is an affair, your focus has to be on ending that affair. You simply must know the truth in order to know how to proceed. And it has to be factually based, not on speculation.

MelodyLane,
You are right, as much as it hurts to admit it.Any other suggestions on how I can find out? I can't afford a PI, mom of 4, don't work. He does have a cell phone in my name and I get the bill, but nothing outside of work calls.He does use the computer but also knows alot about computers and blocks stuff out so I can't find it due to his addiction with pornography that has also caused lots of problems so he figures if I have no proof I can't acuse and nothing is said.