It has been about a week now since NC and I have to say that I am amazed at the speed things are moving. (She found out she was played by the OM, so withdrawal is limited by that)

We had a fantastic Thanksgiving with her family and things are going really well. The only thing we are dealing with is her complete lack of interest in sex.

She tells me that she loves me, that everything is going to be ok, that we are going to be better than ever, etc. etc.

She just says that she has no interest whatsoever in sex, that she never craves it and is never in the mood. Claims it has nothing to do with me. She also says it has nothing to do with the A. She says she only had it once with the OM and that was because he wanted to. It was actually at the beginning of the A (first date actually, back in early September and they didn't do it again after that. He lives with his mother and I don't think the opportunity was really there) I also have to admit that this situation existed for quite some time prior to the A. Perhaps about the same time she stopped taking Effexir..an AD.

Is this a common experience for you other BH out there? She has also been off her AD's that she normally takes and will be getting back on those soon..so it could be a symptom of the depression..just curious what others experiences have been.

<small>[ November 26, 2004, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: Hurting Hoosier ]</small>

HH, First off I would like to say that I hope everything is going well. From your post it does sound like things are progressing nicely (also be wary of that). I can only hope that my WW gets to where yours is at soon.

As for your question all I can say, as I'm sure that you know, is that women are very different than us guys. For a women to be arroused there has to be that emotional feelings/fantasy that they get about there H's, then the feelings of arousal and then the SF. At least thats what I've read and come to understand about women's feelings towards SF. So yours, and everyone else here, WS have taken a big hit to their emotions, so I don't think she would be ready for the SF. That combined with the fact that she's off her AD's may create some kind of chemical imbalance that is also throwing off her libido.

Now of course, many women have also said that they have physical needs just like men do. I also think there had been a study that women "take care of themselves" almost as much as men do. So I would think that at some point she will have that physical need, without the Emotional stuff eventually. But I'm not a women and am only guessing here! I guess I would say just keep up with the affection if she lets you and that should trigger her feelings of arousal, again I'm only guessing, since I my WW usually pulls away from me when I touch her.

HH it is not unusual for SF to be slow to return.When you think of the complex dynamics of affairs, sex is a tool of both love and betrayal. It is no wonder that WS and BS have differing needs for SF after an affair.

Until your WW isin a place where she wants to work on your needs actively thers no point trying to press her for SF. As her self worth issues work out and your plan A/EN efforts get noticed she may feel more like SF with you.

Do NOT take it personally, affairs are traumatic for WS and BS.

My own FWW Squid needed 'mechanical' SF around six weeks after d-day just as a need. Then again a week or so later, no kissing though which was horrible. GREAT sex though. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Once Squids feelings for me began to return he desire for SF knew ( and knows) no bounds.

Patience and hard work in plan A/meeting ENs, and avoiding LBs is the way to sow seeds for a physical relationship IMO.

All blessings